Sunday, 18 December, 2011
end of last week, i received my 1st x'mas card fr 1 of my uni xiao mei. it's not exactly much of a surprise since she had asked me for my add jus recently but receiving it reminds me of myself long long time ago.
like her, i used to send greeting cards to my grandma, godma, uncles, aunts, teachers, & friends. it's a practice tt my mum trained me since young & I jus cont'd after. I used to spend efforts in searching for nice & pretty greeting cards but subsequently I slowly stopped doing so esp in recent yrs. thr had been so much of other things for me to take care of. studies & work had been draining off my energy & nw another sets of stuffs for me to take care of.
sometimes, i really wished i had more than 24/7. i oso wished i m a robot so i no need to slp but then robot oso would need servicing & lubricating & robot would oso breakdown. i oso wished i don ve a heart so i can b 铁石心肠. i oso wished i don ve a brain so my head would b v light n not ve d constant tightness feel tt sometimes felt like it can explode any moment. n if i can choose, i rather not b a virgo & not ve d virgo traits of being a perfectionist & keep thinking & worrying. i really wished i can ignore everything. i wished i could chop off my head. indeed crying out will help slightly but it doesn't really help much when everything came clashing in.
so it actually reflected back to me if i m suitable for sales kinda job w datelines & target to hit kinda stress even if d ease of meetin & tokin to diff ppl can b trained. so wat worries me most is d ability to cope w tt kinda stress. i jus noe tt i cant stay in NTU forever. i had been here for 8.5 yrs. but d ultimate reason for me is tt i'd gotta a new flat at Sengkang. tt's jus too far fr NTU. so i need to get out of NTU, out of my comfort zone. anw, d other reason is d pay cos it will jus allow me to get thru my basic needs, givin min to my parents. i'm afraid. i'm scared of rainy days. ppl will nvr understand wat i had been thru & i hate it when parents jus spend on rolex, massage chair, etc w/o worryin of rainy days. so until nw, i don quite fancy branded products. those r luxury items & unless necessary, if not i won't get.
friends would also asked me to buy things if we went out tgt, they would say they feel stress seeing tt i m empty-handed while they had their hands full but if nothing catches my eyes & nothing is necessary or if thr r reasons for me to buy, i won't buy at all. even my colleagues who kept shoppin said tt they can influence me n i should go out w them but i nvr go out w them & i don wanna get influence. in fact, recently i had spend quite alot fr online shopping but it's on for necessary items. items tt i need & r much cheaper than outside.
w d new house comin, savin of $ is impt. reno, furnishin, electric appliances, basic necessities, basic essential items, misc items all can mark up to a significant amt even if gettin only those necessary.
d things to do lists r also increasin b it at work or at home. lab can b busy till i had to bring back log book home to write or sequencin results to check. while at home, thr r so many things to check & research on with diff 'datelines'. plus to add on, dad would come to me for mio, iphone, ipad 2, etc prob. so can anybody understand how pack & heavy my brain can b? i only ve 2 hands & i only got 24/7 like everybody else & like everyone, i oso need sufficient rest. i kept workin my brain till every night, i only go to bed at ave 2-3 am & wakin up on ave 7 am & mostly i got trouble sleepin & i noe d main reason is tt i worked my brain too hard. if not b'cos when dear's ard, tt i'll ve limited things to do s he's usin d laptop plus, he wouldn't slp late, i oso wont b able to slp earlier when he's ard.
& i had already gone to d extent tt i need assistant fr my iphone reminder to remind me of all my bills date, etc. i can easily forget things tt i had been doin if i'm jus being distracted for a while & tt happened quite a few times in d lab. i can feel lost on wat i wanna do. my body & soul can even b out of sync. i can b tired but when i wanna slp i jus cant & got insomnia.
& w all these gg on in my head, my mood & temper is oso affected & i noe it too but i cant help it. i wanna laugh whole-heartedly. i wanna enjoy my life, enjoy every process. but i'm stress. i can say i don wanna care & try to slp but end up, my mind is still thinkin till i can't help but cry. i don wan it to b like tt. it made me feel like maybe i should take a break fr my usual routine, maybe to go to d beach or simply jus westcoast park to get my body, mind & eyes off d usual tasks & to simply cry it out like last time when i couldn't stand it further. but den, i oso wanted to save my leave for better things. life is such a dilemma. it's so contradicting & complicated.
if can, i wanna go back to d past. i noe bein a kid is impossible but at least can i ve sufficient rest & balance out everything? i cant wait till d time tt i can jus laze at home on weekends/PH. if not b'cos of all d things to accomplish by these few weekends, i oso wished i could jus stay home but can i?
MeMoRieS
10:38 PM
