acknowledgement or demanding???

recently, prof seemed to wanna start a series of lab mtg aft mtg... jus last fri, i'd my 1st ever lab mtg in my life & is oso d 1st ever i noe of since i'd been w his lab for ~4 mth attachment in mid 2010; den ~4 mth FYP in early 2011 & den ~2 mth s his PO.

b4 tt, s i was waitin for d 2nd ab, my proj + another co-operated w a Ph.D student had been stagnant & think he saw me quite free den & gave me another proj. well, he did ask politely if he can add on but i noe cant reject la. but tt's sort of my 1st proj tt aft he told me more than jus briefly, i did my own research n plannin n discussed w him rather than i'm bein spoon-fed cos usually, he'll talk w me n d Ph.D student so she'll explain to me or advice me wat to do. anw, haven really start tt proj yet. more or less still at plannin stage but once sequencin results is back n ok, i'm ready to proceed.

today, thr is an interviewee. not sure for student or staff but like usual, prof will intro to each of us n wat we r doin. in d office when he came out w d interviewee, thr is only 3 staff includin me. he intro to d only guy staff 1st n jus said v briefin on a proj tt he's doin. den when my turn, he said tt i'm currently doin quite a few things. to research on dis n blah blah blah. said till i got numerous things on hand n v busy.

well, currently still not exactly busy cos was waitin for my cells to grow so i can lyse them. will have to do numerous lysis & run numerous gel & den western blots... so i bet i can oso get super busy. but while waitin for d cells, i can sit almost whole day in office n do d necessary purchasin la. so when he said so, i sort of felt quite guilty cos nw not productive in lab work.

but tt doesn't mean i no do work. i got my asset. my past experience n memories of purchasin & so in jus a while, i can source like 9 co sellin d item which prof is lookin at... plus, i'm thinkin beyond d current step on wat i shoudl proceed on eventually. till d Ph.D student told me tt i can think s time goes cos d mutation i gonna do might take quite a while.

on d other hand, i felt tt actually, it seemed like other than pushin me to b more 'productive' in lab work, i oso felt tt actually he do noe tt i'd all these projects on hand n tt he 'recognized' my effort? so i guess, it's still a gd thing tt he noe & hopefully if i can get d hypothesized results, den will do gd for my 'career', resume, ...

Stunned

I noe tt my prof likes to ask, 'hw's thing?' n he's referring to experiment. He ESP like to ask when he sees tt we seemed to b in office for too long. But ytd morning I was stunned by his questions...

While running my sds-page, I was back to d office n serve net awhile n then prof came in w his mac coffee cup. When he was taking key to open his office. He turned to face me n ask his fav line. Aft answering him, he turned back n I cont'd wat I was doin.

Den he suddenly turned back n blurt out, 'J, r u married?'
Me: *stunned* 'no'
Me: *thinking* (huh? Y he ask? Tot he should noe? He hire me so should ve seen my profile. Plus he oso noe I jus graduated so hw possible?)
Prof then asked something like 'y not?', or 'when?'
Me became super stunned n blur cos I totally nvr expect to get tt kinda questions at this time when I been working here for 2 mths le so not s if i'm applying for a job... Thus hw can I not b stunned...

complicated humans

while on d journey home today, thoughts flash thru my mind. thinkin of this, thinkin of tt, wonderin if it work, wonderin when is d best time... humans r really a complicated species... if can, i wish i can don grow up, or rather i hope in this world thr is no $$, no tradin, & tt d world won't progress so fast...

well, i don exactly like research but i don mind doin experiments... yet, i'm in a research lab now. though i'm jus a project officer, i'm hired under research grant & so, i must & ve to do research which will affect my PB & increment. & PB is my only bonus cos thr r none others for this contract. at least i'm glad i got a job immediately aft the endin of my FYP & graduation trips. at least i'm paid though not exactly well-paid cos overall, not much diff fr my previous full-time job.

tt made me think of jumpin out, findin another job but i feel bad if i search & leave nw cos my prof is nice enough to take me in. so i tot to give myself more time. but jus nw, i ponder to myself. is it a wise decision? which is d best decision?

s i'm workin, i'm gainin more insights & knowledge of workin in a research environment. dis fri i'll ve my 1st ever lab meetin whr we need to present. i'm assigned projects to do s though i'm 1 of d Ph.D student, i'm expected to find some source of information myself. & if gg well, my name be added in published papers. tt'll b gd for me, for my resume if i wanna stay in dis field esp when my paper qualification sucks. so for dis reason, i shoudl stay on right? furthermore, so far here aint s bad yet cos i may b v busy runnin ard at times but den at least more or less i can go back on time. can even meet dear for lunch if he workin late in d afternoon cos he stay not tt far away. & so all in all, i feel i'm gettin quite used to it here.

on d other hand, mainly cos of d pay, i feel tt i should venture out. but tt'll b a bold step out. i'd been in d same environment for more than 8 yrs. it'll b steppin out of my comfort zone. but i felt tt i should cos i can't possibly stay on here forever right? though thr r many familiar faces.

but surely i noe i wont venture out to research anymore. mayb sales or purchasin? & tt bring bout another Qs. though i got experience in purchasin b it d SAP or d GeBIZ, is it really enough to bring me out? Is it really worth to venture out oso? like d give n take, will i end up spend more though i may earn more? hw much more can i earn? savin will b more or less aft removin all changed expenditure?

& i oso ended up wonderin if i shouldn't ve taken my degree. mayb i should ve tried others like biz mgmt or so den mayb tt way i'll b on better stand to venture out. & tt actually made me think back. if i had not taken my degree, whr would i b? if i'd not taken my 1st job wantin & hopin to further studies, i guess i would had become a paramedic. if i had not taken biotech in poly, i guess i might b in nursin sch in NYP then. if i'd chosen to change sec sch, would i still take d same path s now?

but if i'm given a 2nd chance, i guess i might not ve choosen sci s my path cos it's like w jus a degree, u r jus hangin in mid air w extreme low chance to climb up at all cos w tt qualification, cant even manage ppl. it's like u r stuck in btw.

feelin stuck, & yet feelin in comfort zone, if not cos of $$ & location factor, i guess i might end up stayin on for life. guess tt's y my friend told me tt actually i shoudl leave ASAP if not cos i felt bad if i do so.

i'd been tellin myself tt i shoudl work for mayb 6 mth to 1 yr den leave but den jus nw, i wonder if tt's a gd time. cos wat my next job would b is still unknown. is it really a pay jump or a pay cut? my savin & CPF income would become uncertain which is not gd. well, esp when i'd jus sign up for more insurance policy cos i'm not covered totally in case of anything happen. though wat i sign up nw is jus coverin a little, at least better than none. hear case of accident & become paralyse, etc. jus too scary. plus, i oso need to save up too... so based on dis, it seemed like it's best to source out nw but i still feel bad leh.

well, nw, my current decision is sort of to try find job mayb in nov cos tt might b a mth whr ppl might tender aft gettin their yr end bonus. & yet i hope i can only start mayb aft 1Q 2012. & yet i oso hope tt btw d 2 job, i can get a break aka holiday too. but i oso noe tt i can't stay unemployed for long due to many reasons. gosh... tt's y i say humans r complicated... haiz

to their benefits & to our disadvantages

to summarize, things been fine when i started work. purchasin etc is fine w me cos i got past experience. & i like to keep track of my purchasin so i noe d status. so since my colleague (Y) was leavin, i'd been chasin aft her, volunteerin to take over all her present purchase. best part is she left everything hangin in mid air. expectin me to noe everything.

1) a requester (F) ask me status of an item den realize i got no info & so FC check my email & den no choice, she go source again & pass me info. even prof worried tt actually Y purchase & he was hesitatin when cfm-in to get me to buy.

2) d microscope servicin status. totally no idea hw. no contact, no service contract no, etc. was chased aft by prof for status twice 2 weeks ago. den finally got a name fr Y which she only rmbr & all her info she oso cant access cos she no longer can. & yet d main company couldn't find d guy & so no ans. end up prof dig out a useful email w d guy's full name & contact no. found out Y gave him wrong contact no of mine & forward to wrong ppl. + she gave away my HP no (though wrong) jus like tt.

3) in 1 of Y's last email, she jus say tt she did purchase secondary anti-mouse & will get back to us once she got d status. den, d other purchaser (L) was chased twice for d status last week & then L come & chase aft me. thanks lor. found thr is a purchase in jun but tt's bit too long for delivery. today finally can contact Y & yet she forget wat name & company. WTH... but managed to figure out d brand & name for her to check & asked for her to get me her updated status record too.

3) aft much delay, i finally received d record fr Y & best part of all. her last purchase was 'passed' to me but i totally got no idea. she den say mayb she email wrong ppl again & ask me get quotation again 'tml'. diao. tml sat leh. not working leh. so i tot can do it on mon. but decided to check on d web since can get quotation online. well, y i did cos d name seem incomplete again. den to be nice, i asked her to let me noe who requested for it so i can cfm w d person & yet, tt person is F, d one gg to India tgt w Y in tonight flight. peng. tried calling d F but HP off so i had to calm down den call Y. cos i really need d info cos if not den hw i purchase? end up F oso cant rmbr exactly & so no choice gotta put off lor. can only pray hard tt prof wont not happy w me cos it's really really not my fault.

i really cant wait to get over this crazy period cos dealin w d mess is really crazy. but in a way, i'm lucky tt i got her record today so at least i found out tt thr is such a 'pendin' purchase. at least if d prof really not happy, i can say i only got to noe today & tt i totally got no detailed info to proceed for d purchasin.

on d other side, dear's OL for Krabi in Oct w me seemed to b drawn out by duno who. thr seemed to have a ghost at his workplace swoppin his shift & cancelin his OL cos no 1 wanna admit. so i super duper pissed off w all these black sheep.

y cant ppl do wat they suppose to do? y for their benefit & yet to our disadvantage? Today is fri, i got many things i planna do & yet thanks to such ppl, i spend lots of time tryin to find d item, tryin to clear ppl's mess. i'm really really angry tt i really don wish to see d person again. she still ve d cheek to say she will come back & visit us b4 leavin for her further studies. i really don wish to see her at this pt of time.

BIG MESS

it's almost 2 mth since i started work. & nw, i'm felt i'm dump w mess again like d time when i started my 1st perm job. however, it's much diff than last time. at least thr is no on-going purchasin, servicin, etc to track & at least d mess ain't tt much cos it was a relatively much newer lab than now.

well, i sort of concluded tt actually i prefer to work in a new lab, startin off everything afresh & keepin clear record of everything esp since i'd got d template to track d purchasin & could spend much lesser time to source rather than flip thru d piles of doc manually like searchin needles in d sea. if not possible, at least work in a much newer lab ba. w 4 yrs of workin experiences w d 1st yr tryin to settle & get all d records, i felt tt subsequent yrs seemed to b much easier.

durin my 4 yrs break for studies, i oso continued doin diff part time. & oso in d purchasin dept too. i really don understand y ppl can jus pat their backside & leave a big mess for d next person. esp w missin records or info. hw do they expect ppl to source out? & nw, i felt d mess pilin on me.

anw, 1 question, hw to differentiate btw friends/colleagues?

yes. i'm in a place tt i'm familiar w. i noe d prof for more than 8 yrs. i prep d prac for d prof for 4 yrs, i did my attachment in his lab more than a yr ago, i did my FYP thr & nw i cont'd workin in his lab. i noe most of d ppl well & we're closed. so i bet we're friends & i wished to believe so. but i'm not so sure now. will a friend leave a mess for his/her friends? or is it cos of d age gap? or differences in d seriousness lvl? i rmbr i updated everything properly before leaving for my studies last time. i even track d time & reminded my friend when she should do certain things. i forwarded all impt emails to my yahoo mail cos i noe d work mail will be inactivated. tt's for sure. hw can anyone not noe? tt's common sense right?

currently, i'm sort of taking over a friend or rather ex-colleague who is leaving for studies oso. much b4 she left, i reminded her many times to update me & pass me everything. day b4 shee left, i still check w her even for d servcing, i found out she had an excel file which she will sort of update for purchasin, though not s comprehensive than mine, at least min she shoudl send a final copy to me b4 she left but she didnt.

is it cos d lab is too lenient? prof allow ppl to come in by 10am & didn't really comment much bout disappearance so i admit once a while i took longer lunch when i meet dear. but mostly i don leave tt early like near 1 & i try get back by slightly aft 2. but i see tt ppl took chances to go to JP, to go to service ctr, to go to ambassy.

on d last day of my ex-colleague, she went to d ambassy to get her visa. k. fine. i treat s if i dono. however, when she got back, i still check w her even till i die die wanna leave. cos i alrdy miss my bus cos i was waiting for her updates. i waited till i give up but i trusted her to pass me all items. guess it's bad move. but do i ve to chase aft her & till wat time? if it's my experiment or cos of prof i accept but cos of an irresponsible colleague who keep delayin? hw can i accept tt?

& thanks to her, last week, i was asked twice by my prof on status of d microscope servicing, w d only info tt she called Nikon directly, i ve no other info. this kinda matter is best either u got d service contract no or at least d DID of d person in-charge but i'd none. a PhD student can contact her so i seek her help & was told tt my colleague emailed me. i swear i nvr receive it. & true enough after d student search my email acc. den i was told tt my ex-colleague could no longer access her email. great. but she got a name w no surname so i call d company but i couldn't find d person in-charge. & then my prof check w me for d status for d 3rd time. F*** luckily d prof got d mail & printed for me.

guess wat. i found tt she had given my HP & email to d guy but gave him 9 digit HP no instead of 8. i'm not happy tt she jus give my HP no away jus like tt. i super don like it like tt. she should ve d courtesy to check w me if not den give d lab no la. & d email add is oso wrong. she had search for a student instead of a staff & happily said she forward me d mail. it's not even my undergrad email add lor. i really 'pei fu' her. whr is her heart s she work? photoshop? photography? friends? fun?

today, i was asked by another student on d delivery of another item. & best part. d only info i got fr her excel file is tt thr is a similar or same item bought in june & supposely pending delivery but d file update is till mid of jul only. so is it really pending delivery? is it tt item? so i can jus try contact d company? or had it been delieved & thr is another item from same or diff company aft mid jul? she did send me an email w regards to tt matter. she said she will check w d company via email & get back to me & she nvr forward me d details of her conversation. & nw, i guess she can say tt cos her email acc is locked, she could n't check le lor. wah lan eh. hw many more mess had she left behind? hw many more do i ve to clear?

best part. for purchasin, i'm not d only one doing, thr is another gal & both of us had d acc to purchase fr GS. however, ppl in d lab only keep tellin me they need this they need tt. helo! thr is 1 more person when i'm busy lor. & even best part. ytd, tt gal w d acc came & tell me tt 1 of d item is finishin & she was gg to rest at her desk then. seein so, though i free then, i felt tt i shouldn't 'zhong rong' them. i told her bluntly, 'then buy lor'. y did she have to tell me? if i need something & i'm free, instead of tellin her, i would rather ask if she had anything to buy den i consolidat & get tgt ma. so wat? she is expectin me to buy when she is free? if tt's d case, she can b free fr d duty le la.

previously, before d risk assessment audit, b4 d long weekend, prof wanted someone to volunteer to update d MSDS but no 1 did & so i did. i noe surely many things r missing & true enough. I need to search, print & update in jus 1 day & i couldn't finish. Luckily thr r ppl who volunteer to help me. if not, i cant even finish if auditor really came in. i guess they noe all these r messy stuff so no one wanna b d one in charge ba.

tt's y i say, it's really gd if i can help start of a new lab or at least a realatively new lab so things ain't tt messy. & can really c d true color of ppl when such things happen. i'm really disappointed w tt so call friend who jus pat her backside & leave.

weird dreams/nightmares

wat is it tt will cos ppl to dream? y do ppl dream? though dreamin may b common, & wakin up cant rmbring any dream is oso v common. but once a blue moon, i would tend to get weird dreams or mayb u can call it nightmares.

previously, i dreamt of scratches tt open up into open wounds; escapin fr war scene; of my late grandma being trapped & i unlock her & she came back to find me; & oso finding weird eggs while fishin out in d sea tt become worms then evolved to diff forms of large creatures which is illegal to rear, etc.

last nite, i had weird & eerie dreams again. & i not sure if it's 2 or actually it's linked up cos their is a common character which is my grandma. however, it's jus weird. cos my grandma don ve long curly hair.

let us say it's 2 diff dreams.

1)
i was out somewhr w my grandma. it's like a open space carpark whr i saw a man smashing a big box of cigarette & a young lady got really mad (think it's hers ba). den aft i walk 1 round around d place, i found another big pack of cigarette. somehow, for duno wat reasons, d lady's anger become mine, as if i'm her & i started to throw d cigarette out & up but i didn't throw in 1 location but walked ard & throw. then d place evolved. d place had more trees ard. in d middle area whr d carpark is was rows of trees. s i throw, it was s though i was givin d cigarette to d underworld ppl. some of d cigarette even got stuck on d tree brunches. at tt time, d sky got darker & d wind got stronger. d place started to become misty/foggy too. it's s though it is getting more & more eerie & d eerie-ness creep into me. but knowing i had nothing to b afraid of, this time i started finding my grandma & thr is a landmark for me to locate d spot whr is left her. (i was at d back of d place actually) & as i move forward to find d spot, it seemed like i was at a cemetry w tombstone. when i reach, i couldn't find her but thr is a young girl who call me 'jie jie'. s we looked ard, we spotted 'our' grandma. she is at d front corner squatin down trying to lit joss sticks. s we approached her, she managed to lit 4 joss sticks & said something like to ask d evil spirit to go away as tt is not d place for them & asked all of us to apologise. we did & at tt point of time, d sky started to clear & only then in front of me, i saw an unconsious boy waking up & wat's more weird is tt he's my bro.

2)
in memory, i was told by my mum tt grandma wanted someone to accompany her for shopping. in d 'reality' i was bringin my grandma w dear to a supermarket whr it sell diff kinda deep frozen fishes, etc. 1st round, grandma picked her items. den duno y, we walked ard den i sense tt her leg hurts. so i asked if she needs to rest before continuing or does she wanted to go back. well, she doesn't seem to wanna go back. so i carried her bags of 'loot' & walked another round w her. this time, i even see frozen sharks. & in her bags, it's mixtures of raw stuffs like frog legs, weird looking fishes, etc. it looked so yucky but had no choice but to carry for her. & for duno wat reasons, thr is a point whr i'm all alone, s though i'm lost in a big shopping mall. a place i nvr being before. den wat i rmbr next is tt i'm w my grandma & my mum was lookin at clothes at a pushcart stall & then think we all left to take bus back. it's only 1/2 way along d journey tt i realized & wonder y we taking bus cos dear's ard & he jus said to me tt he's not driving to my place. y is he not driving? he gonna take public transport back fr my place? s all these questions flashed in my head, i woke up.

in btw both dreams, i woke up. so i'm not sure if thr is any link btw both but it's jus weird. really weird. my 'grandma' don seemed like mine, i got a 'bro' & 'sis', y i got mad over d cigarette? y i throw d other found box of cigarette, y d place can suddenly become so eerie & then gone aft 'grandma' burn joss stick & ask d evil spirit to go away & aft we apologize, my 'bro' wake up? & whr is d mall tt i went to when i nvr see tt place b4? & d supermarket inside is so big & thr r deep frozen meats & even sharks? if it's not real, den y r there real characters like my mum & dear? & y he didn't wanna drive? & y i nvr notice in d 1st place tt we r taking bus instead of his car?

well, in my dreams thr is much more details but hard to explain out totally. like my friend said, weird dreams oso mean bad quality sleep esp to start of d week but i'm jus more puzzled now than to think of quality sleep. & somemore, actually think thr is more weird dreams tt i can't rmbr even for a short trip s i dozed of btw home & work. wat's d meaning?