whr is d comfort of home???

haiz... y do i have to 叹气 so freq recently...

jus nw in d evenin, dad asked me to try my thumbdrive (which does contain mp3s) to d new portable player they bought in d afternoon. when it cant work, i brought it to my rm & test & try w my mp3 player.

after tryin a few times, brought back to him & told him tt thumbdrive don work except mp3 player. he was not convinced & say tt d person plug in a small device like thumbdrive. tt doesn't mean it it's thumbdrive drive ma...

i showed him many times & oso did tried to pull more mp3 to d 'front' rather than hidden oso cannot wor... but he was not happy w d outcome. i told him earlier tt i wanna see d new player & test b4 i go buy a new thumbdrive for mum. but nw, though it cant work, i think i'll still go get... if it work, den me suay... if it cant work, den i waste $$. cos i no need another thumbdrive s i alrdy have 1 & an ext hdd. so no matter wat it would be a disadvantage for me...

no wonder i always hard to save $$... thr r so many things to take care of... & thr is oso a price to pay to get parents to be convinced... argh... $$ don come fr d sky leh... it's hard earn $$... i had to study & work at same time somemore wor...

dad always get 'high tech' stuffs. like my hp which is suppose to be a smart phone but i don find it really tt smart... & many functions i still duno when i'm usin it for more than a yr...

yet dad jus upgrade his singtel line to get nokia n97 mini... yes. he got it & not to trade it his phone when it now shld still ve pretty high value... & whenever he got all these stuffs, he expect me to noe hw to use, etc. to him, he thinks tt i uni student. i shld noe all... -.-''' told him many many times le i duno everything. esp those not in my field of study. but he still unhappy when i could not figure out or satisfied what he wanted...

anw, aft d player incident, he not happy again... i got a new jeans fr dear today & it was slightly too long. dear oso got a new pair of jeans & oso need alteration in length too. passed to dad's friend's wife to alter & she did it for us in less than 2 hr. dad told us & so we said mayb we collect ltr. but he was alrdy prep go out w mum.

overheard tt they gg meet his friend & wife so tot they would collect for us. somemroe, he alrdy went out & lock d door. in d end, he was unhappy again & shouted for us to go when he alrdy saw tt we busy. -.-'''

in d end, aft collectin d pants, we left while parents stayed on to chat. so silly... cant he jus collect? sighed... & cant he jus asked us to go along b4 he went out & 'happily' locked d door? he go out alrdy den unhappy. & i nvr get d chance to change & was wearin d sloppish-ly to d coffeeshop...

i noe i'm bad... but i had enough of all these unreasonable-ness, temper changed, over-protectiveness, etc... they r my parents so i had to tolerate. but i really scare of havin to face these again for the 2nd half of my life. i got phobia. i'll go crazy. i might end up in IMH. so i'll rather b alone. at least i need not need to ans back to anybody. so i told this straight to my bf.

jus nw, he had experience wat always happened to me... he said he oso dun like it & asked me not to be like them & would 'ki siao' if i'm like my parents in future but he would rather 'ki siao' then leave me.

hearin tt, i felt really bad tt i said i would leave him immediately no matter wat but d phobia i had would make me repel further. i would b afraid & reluctant to go hm. d fear in me was too overwhelmin. sry dear dear...

my friend always said she envy me. she said i always look strong. in fact, i'm not s strong s i may look like... it's jus a brave front to show show only. i fear of loneliness yet i fear of all these nonsenses...

these always make me feel like cryin & in fact, would cry (in my heart or if i get to have a lonely corner like d bathrm) when these sort of things happened... i always wished i got d gut to run out of hse. to run away & get away fr all these. sometimes i even think of leavin this place but i wont desert my parents completely.

i have an imaginary virtual world. in my virtual world, i would run away fr hm. i would 'visit' & see them fr far. makin sure they r fine. i would transfer them $$ monthly for their survival. but all this wont happen & would never happen. so i can only tolerate & swollow all these nonsense.

like i said. i no need high tech stuffs... i no need tv, vcr recorder, dvd recorder, camera, camcorder, smart phone, air con, spring mattress, comforter set, mp3 player, etc. so long s my clothes r wearable, my bags r usable, etc, i could wear or use them s long s they can last. i no need materialistic ways of satisfication. i jus want a simple & cosy hm. a place whr wont cos me to wanna cry. a place whr i always looked forward to go back to. a place whr i can rest & relax fr d harsh external environment.

i would rather go sch early. study in sch even w/o lunch durin exam period. go work esp durin holi than to stay hm. & i had been draggin myself hm most of d time. & if i noe dad hm, i oso dare not nap even if i got d chance when i tired. it's a hm but i cant do much to comfort me... yet i cant go elsewhere...

anw, i'm oso apologetic to my dad... i got so 'pissed' off tt i do ans him but i noe my tone must not b tt gd. i alrdy tried to ctrl & curb my tone. mayb i'm not tryin hard enough... mayb my tone make things worst. but wat can i do to make things better???

tired day

today, i finally realized d power of sunscreen lotion... previous 2 time when i go east coast park cycle w friends, i applied and at d end of d day, i was ok. not red, not tan...

but... today go sg airshow. forget bout sunscreen. under d sun for less than 2 hr... nw face, neck, shoulder, arms red red like 叉烧 le. so i guess i'm gonna b tanned for this CNY... oopsss... lol... luckily i wore sleeveless or my arms will have 2 tone... but still obvious cos i wore tank top today...

tt aside... a wk had passed since i kanna stiff neck on d right side... it still hurt... i shld say ytd was much better aft d 推拿 on thurs...

i alrdy got shaky hands usually but today, worst of cos d neck prob... so even though i video down d air display show, it was v shaky... :X

i dun understand y my neck till nw still hurts... i had seen western doc & chinese physician. had 'salonpas' stick on d sore part ytd oso. mum last nite said it looked bit swollen...

jus nw, mum stick 'salonpas' for me again & said d more painful part looked 'shiner' like those swollen part... mum ask if i sprained it. it's not exactly neck part but rather shoulder part near neck so i oso no idea hw can i sprain it... but it does coz me dis-comfort... even when i sleep oso.

i decided to go for 推拿 again tml... if still not gettin any better, i'll go clinic see doc again.

i jus don understand wat happen. i could assume tt aft i see doc, it got better but after stop med, it got worst was cos of d effect of d pain killer. wat bout aft chinese physician.

ytd d pain was more exterior cos of d 推拿 & neck was pretty alright. is it cos d exterior pain overwhelm d original pain?? i cant even tilt my head left & right, esp right. i cant really turn my head left or right, esp right again. i cant really look down or up. so meaning to say, i cant rotate my head much.

jus hope it'll get well by cny... haiz... anw, i did took d med for muscle relaxin & unlike precious, i took with pain killer complement w med for gastric. so i realized d med had a weird side effect on me.

i took d med around 5pm. ate dinner ard 6pm. bout 1 hr ltr, my stomach seemed hungry but i still 'burp' of feelin full... last time (yrs ago), i oso same. keep feelin hungry. in fact, can get hungry till i feel weak or gastric acid came up to my mouth. so i quickly took d gastric med. luckily manage to suppress it.

i oso duno if it's cos wakin early today or d trip at d air show tire me out or was it cos of d original side effect of d med which is to cos drowsy-ness... felt tired & felt asleep till dad called & ask me go downstair to carry things up. luckily dear was still around cos i realize it was quite strainin to carry slightly heavier load. thank dear...

today, i oso kanna 'electrocuted' for a couple of times, when i fiddle w my dvd camcorder when it was connected to d power & my tv. effect was pretty strong. i could still feel d 'electricity' on my palm even seconds aft i 'jerk' off my hand fr d camcorder. oso got numb numb, pins & needles feelin aft tt. actually, even till nw, still got d feelin but v faint nw...

anw, it's not d 1st time i got myself 'electrocuted'. once i trigger a spark fr d power switch tt my finger got a lobang. oso when d water heater for d aquarium went faulty. & many other minor times oso. i seemed to b able to attract so much electricity to me which is not gd... v dangerous leh... must 'siam' away esp if got lightning...

stomach too much acid le???

did i staved myself too much ytd???

ytd, breakfast 6+ am. lunch had 2 slices of plain bread (1 of which is d 'skin' part). tt's d only 2 slices left at hm for me to 'steal'... den delay dinner to go for 推拿... only had dinner at 8++ pm last nite. was v hungry by then...

today, mornin, s usual breakfast at 6+ am. went hm aft tutorial & prep d dough for d pineapple 'tarts' & teach cousin, his maths hmwork. by 12 noon, i alrdy hungry. delayed till 12.30++ pm den lunch. when i go back sch & gonna have lecture at 5.30 pm, started to feel hungry again... i ended up eatin a no of sweets but doesn't help. so i decided to left early.

i usually seldom feel really hungry den eat one but today for lunch & dinner, all feel hungry... friend said mayb stomach too much acid le... oopsss... & she said i diet on every thurs... lol... no choice la... lesson fr 10.30 straight to 5.30. breakfast at 6+ so 9+ hw to eat??? so can only survive on bread la & i don eat much one wor...

eventually go for 推拿... hope it get better...

eventually give up... go see chinese physician for 推拿... whole afternoon in class v 辛苦... d neck, d shoulder, d upper back.

i oso cant decided if i really got better last 2 days or was it d pain killer suppressin d release of substance P (meanin suppressin d pain)... but i refused to take even panadol today.

d only advantage was tt it does help keep me fr dozin off cos when i nodded off, i felt pain & woke up but... i cant stay focus most of d time...

it only felt better if i use my hand to apply pressure on the sore part but i cant possibly b holdin on to it all d time. d chair oso had no support for my upper back and head and so my head seemed to b straining my neck s time passed...

thus, though today, gg grandma's hse for dinner & ytd, my leader told me today got a soka mtg, i decided to give all a miss & go see d chinese physician.

i was alrdy hungry after class s i only had 2 pcs of plain bread for lunch due to 7 hrs straight of lessons. & 1 of d bread was d last pcs meanin d 'skin' part... but i still decide to go ahead for my neck. it's more impt than my stomach. i would still get to eat eventually but i don wan my neck to drag further.

usually i alrdy hard to stay awake all d time in class but it's making it worst. & tml gonna end late and so tt would mean i could only go on sun. if i get better, den gd for me. if not, i would suffer a few more days.

aft d 推拿 was much loosen but nw it seemed to tighten again... jus hope tml will get better. or i dunno wat i can do le... see doctor only get pain killers. sighed.

WTH is gg on???

i really wanna curse & swear le lah... wat is wrong w me this yr? i may easily caught flu, cough & sorethroat in d past but this is ridiculous leh...

since jan, i been on med (not full 7 days, etc...) but for d flu, sorethroat, & on & off headache, & stiff neck... my hip not to d extent of needin pain killer...

ytd, my neck was much much better & yet... today when i woke up... it was more stiff than ytd... not to d extent like sun but can feel d muscle tighten... WTH is gg on??? sighed...

neck still pain pain

eventually decided to go see doc... but i sort of regretted cos really give me pain killer which is wat i expected so. furthermore i got d pain killer at hm...

anw, i oso got d med for muscle relaxin. d one which made me go hungry by an hr yr back till i dare not eat. nw no choice. jus try d med again loh.

doc said tt med will cos drowsiness. advice say if cannot den take at night will do. think no diff on me nw. too slpy le. w/o it alrdy cannot make it. w it, don think will ve much effect. so i gave up & took it.

i usually would avoid drowsy med at all course. no matter wat time cos i think d half-life in my body is longer than usual s d drowsy effect nvr go off so quickly.

jus hope i'll survive today. anw, think today only got med cost. cos total less than $10. shld ve asked asked for my hip prob since it's a female doc. anw, since i had gotten pain killer & had taken it, think hip shldn't ve much prob ba... shall see hw...

neck still pain pain...

darn... neck still pain... pain since sat. though not s stiff s ytd mornin but still not really tt gd...

yet... nw, i oso feel v slpy... actually ytd whole day oso slpy le...jus nw ko in bus but v jialat... cos neck pain. when i doze off (d was 'noddin' my head here & thr), woke up almost immediately cos of neck pain. wanna slp oso cant really slp... but i still overslept. luckily friend & 'boss' wake me up...

'boss' advice me go see doc b4 my neck got worst. shld i? but think mayb doc jus prescribe pain killer? wat shld i do? go see doc? go see chinese physician? or simply jus ignore?