haiz... y do i have to 叹气 so freq recently...
jus nw in d evenin, dad asked me to try my thumbdrive (which does contain mp3s) to d new portable player they bought in d afternoon. when it cant work, i brought it to my rm & test & try w my mp3 player.
after tryin a few times, brought back to him & told him tt thumbdrive don work except mp3 player. he was not convinced & say tt d person plug in a small device like thumbdrive. tt doesn't mean it it's thumbdrive drive ma...
i showed him many times & oso did tried to pull more mp3 to d 'front' rather than hidden oso cannot wor... but he was not happy w d outcome. i told him earlier tt i wanna see d new player & test b4 i go buy a new thumbdrive for mum. but nw, though it cant work, i think i'll still go get... if it work, den me suay... if it cant work, den i waste $$. cos i no need another thumbdrive s i alrdy have 1 & an ext hdd. so no matter wat it would be a disadvantage for me...
no wonder i always hard to save $$... thr r so many things to take care of... & thr is oso a price to pay to get parents to be convinced... argh... $$ don come fr d sky leh... it's hard earn $$... i had to study & work at same time somemore wor...
dad always get 'high tech' stuffs. like my hp which is suppose to be a smart phone but i don find it really tt smart... & many functions i still duno when i'm usin it for more than a yr...
yet dad jus upgrade his singtel line to get nokia n97 mini... yes. he got it & not to trade it his phone when it now shld still ve pretty high value... & whenever he got all these stuffs, he expect me to noe hw to use, etc. to him, he thinks tt i uni student. i shld noe all... -.-''' told him many many times le i duno everything. esp those not in my field of study. but he still unhappy when i could not figure out or satisfied what he wanted...
anw, aft d player incident, he not happy again... i got a new jeans fr dear today & it was slightly too long. dear oso got a new pair of jeans & oso need alteration in length too. passed to dad's friend's wife to alter & she did it for us in less than 2 hr. dad told us & so we said mayb we collect ltr. but he was alrdy prep go out w mum.
overheard tt they gg meet his friend & wife so tot they would collect for us. somemroe, he alrdy went out & lock d door. in d end, he was unhappy again & shouted for us to go when he alrdy saw tt we busy. -.-'''
in d end, aft collectin d pants, we left while parents stayed on to chat. so silly... cant he jus collect? sighed... & cant he jus asked us to go along b4 he went out & 'happily' locked d door? he go out alrdy den unhappy. & i nvr get d chance to change & was wearin d sloppish-ly to d coffeeshop...
i noe i'm bad... but i had enough of all these unreasonable-ness, temper changed, over-protectiveness, etc... they r my parents so i had to tolerate. but i really scare of havin to face these again for the 2nd half of my life. i got phobia. i'll go crazy. i might end up in IMH. so i'll rather b alone. at least i need not need to ans back to anybody. so i told this straight to my bf.
jus nw, he had experience wat always happened to me... he said he oso dun like it & asked me not to be like them & would 'ki siao' if i'm like my parents in future but he would rather 'ki siao' then leave me.
hearin tt, i felt really bad tt i said i would leave him immediately no matter wat but d phobia i had would make me repel further. i would b afraid & reluctant to go hm. d fear in me was too overwhelmin. sry dear dear...
my friend always said she envy me. she said i always look strong. in fact, i'm not s strong s i may look like... it's jus a brave front to show show only. i fear of loneliness yet i fear of all these nonsenses...
these always make me feel like cryin & in fact, would cry (in my heart or if i get to have a lonely corner like d bathrm) when these sort of things happened... i always wished i got d gut to run out of hse. to run away & get away fr all these. sometimes i even think of leavin this place but i wont desert my parents completely.
i have an imaginary virtual world. in my virtual world, i would run away fr hm. i would 'visit' & see them fr far. makin sure they r fine. i would transfer them $$ monthly for their survival. but all this wont happen & would never happen. so i can only tolerate & swollow all these nonsense.
like i said. i no need high tech stuffs... i no need tv, vcr recorder, dvd recorder, camera, camcorder, smart phone, air con, spring mattress, comforter set, mp3 player, etc. so long s my clothes r wearable, my bags r usable, etc, i could wear or use them s long s they can last. i no need materialistic ways of satisfication. i jus want a simple & cosy hm. a place whr wont cos me to wanna cry. a place whr i always looked forward to go back to. a place whr i can rest & relax fr d harsh external environment.
i would rather go sch early. study in sch even w/o lunch durin exam period. go work esp durin holi than to stay hm. & i had been draggin myself hm most of d time. & if i noe dad hm, i oso dare not nap even if i got d chance when i tired. it's a hm but i cant do much to comfort me... yet i cant go elsewhere...
anw, i'm oso apologetic to my dad... i got so 'pissed' off tt i do ans him but i noe my tone must not b tt gd. i alrdy tried to ctrl & curb my tone. mayb i'm not tryin hard enough... mayb my tone make things worst. but wat can i do to make things better???
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