faking smile is tough...

today had a bad start den a long day.

if i say wat happened don affect me, i'm seriously 睁着眼睛说瞎话...

at 1st begin my day being v enthusiatic w d proj & sendin out email at 6+ am aft readin an article which could be relevant to d proj. ya. readin & sendin out email at tt time. crazy right. jus happened i saw d online article dated jus ytd ma. not on purpose one lah.

anw, i end up bringin jus 2 pcs of plain bread for lunch. i could ve brought 3 pcs, i could ve brought packet drink along or even take a can of crysanthemum tt i left in office but i no appetite. i no mood to eat. if can, i wld skip. but i wont. so max 2 pcs of bread is all i could take...

had proj discussion for a while b4 gg for classes. managed to stay pretty much focus in class but i cant really b bother w other things. jus wanna get over & done w d more serious stuffs.

went back to d resource rm for a while aft class & found an ext hdd & thumbdrive on d comp on next table. got a feelin they wer my friends one. so i sms to check. luckily i was thr. both were my friends so i ended up safe-keepin for them for d nite.

went back hm aft tt & though dear came over after we went to get dinner, i was still quite affected by d silent mine explosion sort of this mornin esp aft seein mum come back fr grandma's place.

ya. i nvr go grandma's place. cos in case i need comp w internet to do more research for proj. thus, early mornin, alrdy told mum i not gg over even when she ignore me. anw, another reason was so tt i can avoid her s much s i could. i really duno hw to face her. wat to say. hw to react.

i die die wanna go work or somehw stay away fr hm s much s i could for term break & d may to aug holi. i noe i may work & get tired but i don care. stay hm may not rest oso & it's mine at hm.

i can only say tt whenever this happened, i can only stay in my rm, hide in a corner if can, huggin my soft toy, pillow or bolster. if i cant tahan wanna tear & hm got ppl, i wld go to d bathrm. go shower or wat so i can on water & let it my frustration out.

i shld say... i wld only feel much better aft d whole situation get better... mayb like wat chinese say 结铃环 xu xi ling 人... (sry. i chinese not v strong). pro arise fr mum & it will only get better if she is ok. so even aft till nw, i'm still feelin rather down.

only told dear vaguely in d afternoon. jus nw got say la. he told me not to be sad or cry but actually it made me feel more like cryin. i noe he's concern but it's hard to ctrl my emotion. it's really tough.

think i'm too harsh on myself. makes me really feel like runnin away. runnin away fr everything. i'm still thinkin. thinkin if i wanna skip d late afternoon lecture. it'll most prob b last time i gonna skip. prob go escape fr everything for at least a couple of hr & hopin to recharge at least mentally to allow myself to push myself further. & i don think i wanna go back hm. even if can get chance to sleep i oso wont get to 安心的睡...

today while gg to sch, d sea came to my mind. d quietness, d scenary, d surroundin, d atmosphere, d breeze, being away fr s many ppl s possible, etc is all so diff fr my present life. actually, d sea always come to my mind when i feel so down & today west coast park came to my mind prob due to gd memories...

well, mayb bout a decade ago, i wld even end up pressin my teared face in d basin filled w water. cos d coolness, d diff feelin in d water makes me feel better oso. i oso duno y i like 'd water' so much. anw, tml see hw... if really still feelin down, mayb i wld really skip class. tml den decide ba... if not, mayb can go west coast sit sit a while. since i figured out hw to go thr le...

hope tml i dun ve to fake smile anymore when i see ppl. it's not easy to do tt oso...