Term had started for a week. Was busy as usual or I should said much more busier. I don't seemed to ever had the chance to slow down. This can be good or bad depending on how you thing. Anyway, many things will look differently from different point of view. Trust me.
Managed to meet 1 of my old friend on my 2nd day of school as there was no lesson that day. Was fun to shop around even though my feet were blistered by my new shoes. Both of us were also crazy. Our final destination was at the TOTO counter. Both of us bought quick picks and came out with a few numbers to buy. But too bad, I think we didn't win any. Sob Sob! I really missed those carefree days. Those days without thinking about school. Those days with stable job and salary but that was a year ago. Yes! It was already a year ago. I rmbr my last day or carefree life was exactly the same day I met with my friend last Tuesday.
And for the 2nd subsequent years, I missed the National Day Fireworks. Some people might say, 'So what!' But I love seeing the bright spots, bright patterns in the dark background. That's why I would always look up at night to look for stars. It seemed to give me some lights, some hope, memories & etc. Maybe I think too much ba.
Actually I didn't have the energy to blog. I'm just too tired. I can fall asleep anywhere. I believed I can even fall asleep while standing. No joke. That is why I didn't blog at all for so long. Guess I will only blog once in a blue moon but might have so much to write for stopping a long time.
My parents don't seemed to understand well. Since last week or the week before, actually can say a month ago, they keep trying to talk to me and getting me to quit my weekend part-time job. I know they are concerned about me. They know I had many modules this semester. They know I haven't had time to go out. And they even didn't get a chance to go out with me. I am also very upset, tired and stress but why do I have to do this?
I was hoping I could quit piano after I pass my piano exam but chances were extremely slim, maybe even 0%. So every month, with piano lesson, for mobile bills, for food, for transport, for books, etc, the amount I need was not small. It is not something I can just get from them like in primary or secondary school. And since the incident that happened when I was in my Poly, I could no longer have the strenght to go through it again. I might quit school or even go mad. So no matter how tired I am now, I'll just have to hang on. What I need was not discouragement, not demoralizing comment from them. I need their understanding and support but I can't let them know the actual reason for working. Of course 1 of the reason was because it was also something that I had thought of working before when I was very young but that is not the most important reason.
Working and studying at the same time was tough. My studies was pretty weak. I also wish for more time. I also wish I don't have to work. But with no money, it was very difficult. That is why when my friend wanted to buy TOTO, I also bought. I was pinning on a hope, a miracle that could somehow get me the money I need to survive but there is no such things as 'bu lao er huo'.
Buddhism teaches that the most important is the 'Treasures of the heart'. Not treasures like money, jewellery, etc. These kind of happiness won't last and can't be brought over to the next world when one die. But sometimes, it's really not easy to understand and feel that kind of happiness from within the heart. But I am still glad I had a religion. At least even though I am so busy that I may not get a chance to meet up with friends, I still had a religion, a belief to hang on with me. But still I am still praying for more wisdom - wisdom for studies, and to overcome all obstacles to come (life is never smooth or one won't grow and learn). I also need a healthy body to be able to withstand all the challenges.
I always assured others that I am getting into the momentem of studying but in actual fact, I am not convinced myself. Just hope I can get through this semester better than last semester so that I can really convinced myself.
Right now, I am just trying to hang in till I think I really cannot make it. Then I know that will be the time I need to quit my part-time job. By then, I know at least I can confort myself that I had managed to work till then & earn that bit of money to allow myself to get through for somemore time. And maybe by the time my money is dried up, the time left unemployed will be very short and hopefully the financial condition of my family improved.
Actually frankly speaking, till the end of my last job, I never really fancy shopping. I would once in a while go walk around be it alone or with friends even if it was just a nearby shopping centre when I took halfday leave, etc. But now, I feel differently. I guess it was because it's really hard to find that kind of time to walk around without thinking of anything, to shop around and see different things from the robotic yet stressful life-style. My feet will hurt but it seemed like it no longer bother me when I shopped around unless the company I am with was wrong as it would spoilt the mood. I am now looking forward to the next trip out but I do not know when I'll have that kind of spare time. SIghed...
So much weight on me and it's so good to let it out like this once in a while. I wish I could let it all out but my eyes and mind are failing me. I shall go and sleep now. Must use tomorrow to recharge further for tml might be the last chance to rest till my exams are over at the end of November. I am not 'kua zhang' and I may not be able to rest really well tomorrow as I am still trying to swop class for 1 of the tutorial. The time I got was very bad as I was delayed from the course registration due to my piano exam. Wishing for a miracle!
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