fail

i failed to do what i wanted to again... i wanted to try creating paranomic photos & heard that photoshop can.

only my cpu have photoshop so i had been wantin to create. my thumbdrive not big enough to transfer all photos & so i tot i would use my ext hdd. end up, cant detect. i had uploaded d photos in skydrive but in d end cant access keep askin me to log in.

so... today i transfer those photos to create into my thumbdrive. in d end, found out tt only photoshop element den can create paranomic photos. haiz... if i noe, den i wont bother to take so many shots le. haiz...

tired

dis wk had been a pretty relaxin wk in d lab for me aft i come back fr d short getaway trip. cos 2 of d graduate students got presentation dis wk & 1 of them is d one i'm under.

furthermore, my lab is shiftin due to an un-told-able reason & they wld b shiftin tml. so tml no lab work for me to do & i ask if i need go back. i don mind gg back but thinkin tt i'll b gg thr jus to help them shift... bit crazy for me. i'll b doin much too much. i'm an unpaid attachment student & not a mover. so i shld do watever i suppose to do ba.

i no need d experience as a mover. i alrdy experience it b4 when my sch shifted to our buildin yrs ago fr d temp location den. furthermore, my office oso shifted once again so i don need more of tt kind of experience.

my main skill is lab skill but i had done admin work, purchasin work HR work, d mover work, ... so enough of those for nw.

anw, not sure if i really not enough slp... for past few days... i got prob tahan beyond afternoon. esp at dis time at nite. i can jus doze off while i stare at d screen for brief moment. but... i nvr go to slp... got things do ma. settle most of wat i wanna do ytd ba.

well, d graduate student told me tt i can don go back. she'll at most help me tell prof tt i not well in case d other fyp student & d 'proud' guy is not happy if they came in & end up being a mover. she said tt if i come, i wld end up helpin them shift. she oso noe. lol. but... she got presentation tml mornin.. & i actually wished to go see hw it's like. but i scare i'll sleep instead too.

today, b4 gg to rehearse w d prof, she asked me listen & check. many times, i almost doze off. i cant bear listenin to presentation, talks, seminar, lectures, tutorials, etc. if d topic is dry, i'll sure get ko. + i super tired so super enhanced d fact tt will make me sleep.

but thinkin of stayin hm... i oso super sian. i duno wat shld i do la. hw... but it'll b a gd chance for me slp in... cant rmbr when was d last time i slp till 10 like tt le. mayb got 1-2 yrs le ba... i noe my body need d rest. but can i rest at ease at hm alone w my mum or will i end up in trouble?

holidays

d trip should help me recharge but however, on last day, my mind sub-consiously rmbr tt i wld come back & so ended up 'dreamin' & think i heard noise outside & tt was dad who had woken up. think i really too stress at hm... & tt short getaway didn't help change much. haiz...

anw, heard of 'gd' news. mum checked w aunt & tot of gg a few days trip in d beginnin of dec since aunt is on leaves. she tot of gg penang, desaru, genting, phuket or cruise. she asked if i wanna go but i cant... i got sch. haha. at 1st i tot d chances might b less than 40% since i cant go. in d end, jus nw she told dear. so i suppose d chances wld b slightly higher.

she said tt she worried my safety esp since d ITE opp is up. well, even b4 tt, they wld think of other reasons to say but jus nw, she said if she gg, she told dear to come accompany me. if they really go then, den mayb if i gg sch, mayb i can take dad's car. i oso got evil tots. to go out & stay out late since hard to get d chance but i guess i wont unless necessary & unless it's w dear. exams wld b near anw & furthermore, it wld also be a rare chance for me to really rest but hopefully i had not been too conditioned with the fear of stayin at hm. i hope i can unconditioned myself by then.

i hope i can hear a confirmation of such 'gd' news. at least i wld noe tt my parents r independent & not so dependent & reliant on me & my presence. esp when plannin & gg holi w them was a tough chore for me.

anw, i think i got in love w tourin... w right ppl, it can really let me relax & forget every other things. i hope i can get a getaway again soon. not sure how much possible if durin d term break fr 16 oct to 24 oct but i hope can at least get another at d end of d yr or latest beginning beginning next yr b4 d commencement of my fyp. i bet aft fyp started, d next possible timin for trip would be aft my fyp & tt is if i didn't get a job by then. otherwise... d other chances wld be short getaway durin weekends or long weekends (r thr any?)

holiday

back fr a 3d2n trip to melaka - a'famosa.

for d trip, we were provided w 2 breakfast, 2 dinners, 1 lunch, tickets to cowboy town with carnival & 4d show, tickets to animal safari & tickets to water world.

d lunch was in animal safari & 1 of d dinner was in the cowboy town. d dinner date was fixed on d 1st night so we die die have to go that on d 1st night though d entrance to cowboy town was valid till d next day. it would be crazy to go on d 2nd night but pay for d 2nd entrance fee of RM65.

anw, d cost to go to d animal safari + a meal cost RM85. same s d cowboy town with d carnival + 4d show + a dinner. we had 2 buffet breakfast at d hotel clubhse which cost RM25 each & 1 buffet dinner tt cost RM48. s for d waterworld, i'm not sure of d price cos we nvr go thr but based on d above, it would ve cost RM 268 already & tt exclude d transport thr & back & accomodation so i guess d money spend is still worthy in dis sense.

but... d drawback was tt d hotel was badly maintained... d bathtub & basin was dirty when we check in. d pencil in d room was broken. thr were blackout twice on 1st nite. d electric supply werent tt stable. d water supply was super low on d last mornin & so d water was terribly cold. den... d water become muddy. anw, d water had a bad smell, similar to chlorinated smell but worst than swimmin pool water & so d water syrup & some soup at d restaurant in d club hse got tt weird smell.

but i shld say tt we were lucky tt d water only turn muddy on d last day & only occur after i had my shower. when d water was so small, i was so worried tt thr will b no water at all or wld turn muddy & it was like i expected, turned muddy.

anw, not sure if it's cos we went in low peak period or d service was really tt gd. when we arrived d rm is ready & we could go in immediately. guess tt was d only plus pt. other than tt, their service was really slow. taking own sweet time. even for d f&b room service.

well, after gg thr, i shld say tt singaporean shld not complain bout havin so much work to do. d ppl thr r so much worst. work super long hr & really a multi-tasker...

y do i say so...

after reach thr, we went to d safari though shld take more than 1/2 a day but since got lunch, we go thr 1st or we wld ve to settle it somewhr & tt place shld b exp. since we also wanna go back to d old town, we tot of gg d followin day & eat thr w cheaper lunch & so went to d safari.

we watched all d show in d animal safari & d emcee, actor, trainer & animals were all reused in d cowboy town carnival, red indian show, etc. even d waiter & waitresses. prob tt's y their openin hr don clash. d animal safari opened till 5 pm while d cowboy town opened at 6 pm.

d staffs at d game stall also ended up dancin in d carnival & all of them duno walk or dance how many laps around durin d whole carnival. a few guys even dressed like d females w big boops & butts & thier makeup was terrible. d way they dress & dance was bringin down d image of d malay females thr & i felt tt if i'm a malaysian, i would find it a disgrace. even d 'ah gua' in thai looks so much prettier & like real female.

even d animals which performed at d animal shows in d safari came & performed in d carnival in d cowboy town & at d end of d day, i could feel tt wat d animal show in their eyes were tiredness. d eyes can closed any moment.

as for d waitresses & waiters, they not only worked at a particular restaurant. there are few which we saw in d safari & at d cowboy town workin in d restaurant in d club hse in d morning. mind you. it's d followin mornin.

i was tellin dear tt in sg, i bet workers would complain to d MOM alrdy. & if i d boss, i wld nvr let my employees b so multi-tasker or i nvr noe when they strike rich & build another 'empire' to counter me. dear's reply: if he's a employee, he would get everybody to stop workin & build another 'empire' to counter back. tt way, tt boss got no workers den another empire will strive... so don ever complain bout too much work in sg...

anw, d food thr are not fantastic. tom yam soup oso jus like a normal veg soup... sugar cane drink taste & look more like diluted honey dew syrup. i shant say bout others. d food is not worth d price to pay esp for d buffet.

nvm bout all these, on d trip over, it started off bad alrdy. d slip we were given & we seeked confirmation when we got tt slip. it was printed sayin bus 7am & must check in an hr b4. so... we booked cab at 5.30 am & reach by 6 only to find tt d transport company opened at 7 & d bus is 7.30 am. -.-"

den, dear & i were d only 2 gg to a'famosa & so when almost reachin, they got a cab to take us in. d cab uncle was a chinese & v friendly. he advices us & when we asked bout d cost to go to old town, he give us a cheaper quote than d hotel (we did check though only check after) & he advice us to walk out & board so tt it's cheaper.

thus, d 2nd mornin, we engage him & he made a big round & brought us to d old town & show us whr to meet him at d end of d day when we wanna go back. it was only aft tt den he dropped us off whr we wanted to. d uncle even brought his wife to pick us back (he told us b4hand) & they gave us 2 big bags of rambutans & another fruits which i dono wat it's called. they grew d fruits themselves & selflessly share w us though we were a strangers to them. made me feel so paiseh.

we finally tried d chicken rice ball. it's indeed nicer than d 'gu cheng' but nothing really special but it's cheap. less than RM14 for 2 pax w 2 glass of lemon barley. we still miss d chance to try d teochew bak kut teh... haiz... stomach not tt big lah... can only eat thr 1 meal wor...

well, for 3d2n, we actually did many things. we played a game of bowlin, a game of pool, 2hr of karoake, go to d safari & watched 4 shows, go cowboy town watch red indian show & carnival & fireworks & a ghost show 'the haunted office' in 4D, drink a bottle of carlsberg, made a pair of wax hands (our hands), etc. & d amt of money spent in total w some goodies for mum, etc + a few other meals was at most slightly beyond 250 for both of us.

d drinkin part was a hush hush... cant let u noe who noe. d pool game was my 2nd game after d 1st yrs ago. anw, we spend till both of us left w only less than RM1. haha. we jus nvr bother. d kaorake was cheap too. RM35 for 3 hrs actually for 2 pax. cheap loh.

i love it when i can simply don care & do watever i want, walk whrever i want but dear angry when he was nappin while waiting for our transport back & i walked away twice. once was to explore & he said tt wat if ppl stole away d exp & impt items since i left by his side. d 2nd was tt he could not find me but inside d lobby was really too hot to bear & i'm bored. cant possibly sit thr see him sleep ma & torture myself s it's so hot. cant oso wake him up since he's so tired so i went outside to stand & eventually sat at d stairs.

anw, i seemed to find out tt seemed liek d weather was like crying for me for my past few trips. gg bkk w parents & fam; melaka w parents & dear & HK w parents & dear; all rained... but... these 3 days, esp 1st 2 day, d weather was nice & not too hot except d last day. i actually check d weather b4 & it's supposed to be raining... but it didn't

actually, b4 comin back, on last mornin b4 waking up, heard ppl talkin & walking outside & i suddenly tot it was my dad who had woken up. scare me sia. guess, i'm not ready to come back. not fully recharged to come back. comin back is still a torture, a nightmare, a phobia to me. but i'd to come back no matter wat.

& dad came out w stunt. asked wat time reach & which custom & nvr cfm anything & waited at a place den asked us to check w d drive see if can drop us thr or nearby. when not possible, end up we dropped off & decided to take public transport. got 160 which could come back home but dad don't wan. insist take 170 go kranji den he pick us up. 170 mroe ppl but most left alrdy. den we got a seat aft d 1st stop outside. at least meet kranji easier than somewhr 'nearby' ltr we wait here, he wait thr even more mafan.

wat he did actually made me wish i didn't need to come back loh... wish i could stay thr 4ever even though d maintenance is so poor. but i'm so carefree thr... i can b myself. i no need to hide, no need to act. i cant wait for d chance for a next trip. hopefully not w my parents. & so far, it may seem like a higher chance of mayb 60%... but it's subjected to changes

mum jus nw said aunt on leave on 3/12 to 6/12 & so she tot of gg penang/ desaru/ genting/ take cruise to penang. she will go w dad & asked if i interested but i cfm cant. still havin sch. haha. gd excuse. but might end up they don go but wait for me... hopefully not. den i can get d chance for d whole hse to myself. haha. d quiet & peace... wohoo... but better not b too happy too early.

anw, if asked me go, if i go w them alone, i rather not go gentin. mayb wld choose cruise instead so to avoid all d walkin ard & etc. gentin bit no pt. go thr w them, cant do anything. desaru, heard got nice water but oso hard explore & b more adventurous...

but... jus nw, mum said grandma tot i go w friends, colleagues, so i take tt opportunities to say tt my current colleagues got asked me go gentin, melaka, kota tinggi, etc w them & her reply was if my bf allow. lol... shld b her not him lah. he ok one. mayb he would even go w me loh... lol... she said if he ok, she ok. -.-" watever lah. i take it s a yes le. mayb like wat dear said... no need think of behind meaning. haha...

i wan go holi. i wan d break. i love it... but w right company. gosh... it's an expensive investment leh... & i no income. oops... if can, i wish to try snoking or scuba. if can, i wanna do many others. i noe myself is not those unadventurous type of gal yet not v adventurous type. i jus need d correct company to make me do d right thing at d right time. i wanna see snow esp if it's snowin though i noe i more scare of cold nw...

i wanna explore s much s i can b4 my energy ran out, b4 i get old, b4 i get tied down w own family. i don wanna regret in future. i wan a colourful life at least a few yrs even though not fr a kid.

& so, if can, i hope not to revisit a certain place more than twice. if can, i wish to go new places everytime. i went kluang, muar, batam, KL, HK once, genting, BKK & melaka twice. desaru actually oso went once for d fruit farm. any other suggestions? mayb those tt can explore & have fun for youth, etc & not those for family (old or young). those can go in future.

i got think of gg find my filippine sis & visit them but think her place like nothing to explore/see. i oso got think of mayb go france & mayb (find my teacher) for some nice cool place to visit. think near her place thr can ski... hee... i oso got think of japan b4 but all these place exp sia... nw whr got so much $$$... can only earn & save up b4 gg ba. so any nice place & yet not so exp? i suddenly no urge for places like taiwan cos duno wat's thr except mayb shoppin? tell me if i wrong. i wan more adventure. =x

actually, in a'famosa, suppose to ve a flight ride (microlight) but they no licence. or i wld try loh... i noe it'll b exp but hard to get a chance beyond parents ctrl leh... only like tt den can try new things. previously i told my friend b4 tt actually when i got so pek chek & fed up w everything mths ago, i wish to even try d bungee in macau cos i noe i wanna jus jump & forget everything & yet i cant die & so bungee is a gd choice. i was only worried bout my hip & d price cos it's not cheap & oso cos my aprents r ard. i'll nvr forget d experience i had when i went kayakin w friends when i totally duno hw to swim at all. not a teeny tiny bit of frog style then but i jus went out into d sea. d adrenaline rush was gd...

ah ma

我从来都没见过我的ah ma。可我却记得以前从我有记忆到可能念poly时，每当我觉得受气受冤时都会哭着叫ah ma。有的时候是在心里喊。我也不知为什么。可能觉得她很慈祥，也和蔼可亲吧。。。又或者是一种亲情的联系吧。不过我好久都没哭到这么样了。上回可能到了西海岸吧。地点不同。可我今天却又在好想喊着叫她。好想问她为什么。其实也想她把我带走。我想我可能有到了极限吧。希望能撑个两三天，然后去马六甲走走透透气散散心吧。。。ah ma... 请你给我一些力量吧。我求求你了。。。

super upset...

i'm not a tech savvy person la... can jus take away all these gaghet? i see le i more irritated... i regret... really regret... regret wantin to pick up better photography usin decent pro cam like dslr, etc... but this is a wish deep in my heart... & i nvr voice out. cos i'm cool w jus norm digi cam... d ease of use, d simplicity, is so much better... mayb i wont feel so terrible nw...

previously i said tt dad got a worthy deal for a nikon d3000. however, it's nightmare for me. 3 short nites to figure out yet not successful. actually, ytd, alrdy give up & wanted to pass back to dad but he don't wanna take back. his reason previously was tt he was unsure wat time he finish work & so today celebrate grandma's bday so he passed me. but d cam language understand me but i don understand them...

den... today, he could reach home by 5 pm. it's consider early... yet, d cam still w me. nvm... s it was gettin late & i had nothing to do, went to d corridor to try takin pic of d BPP w lightings. den cousin found out i newbie to d cam & he said he got full set at hm & noe hw to use. so asked him teach. only tell me bit bout d 'F' thingy but didn't really get to try... den gotta get back in to take family pic. i even ask him wat to use durin those settings.

in d end, i cant figure out d timer thingy. didn't managed to figure out much for past few nites. den dad unhappy. say 'feng liang hua'. say alrdy passed me but i nvr figure out. i was thr, feelin hot & wanna figure out how but he still like tt. he used d cam longer than me yet he oso duno leh. he oso nvr come to help figure out. my cousin oso stand thr nvr come forward. got pissed off... got pek chek... esp aft hearin my dad's comment. wat? he think speak hokkien den i don understand? even my other cousin, JT, understood & 替我不值 loh... dear oso try came forward to volunteer to take pic for everybody.

at 1st, i tot of takin pic of everybody den take pic of d cake. cos cake come out last since it's ice cream cake. but end up no mood. luckily got my old digi cam so tt one set timer to take everybody. but either 1 took or my dad took d pic usin d d3000.

not only i no mood, i feel hot, angry, upset, pek chek, annoyed, etc. & i feel like say back & even cried but i hold back. i don wanna a celebration to become a 'battle ground'. grandma alrdy angry my uncle who listen to wife & went to gentin these few days. i don wan grandma to sad sad. plus if i say back, parents sure hoppin mad & i'm gonna get it. but holdin back to say or cry is really terrible. i really cant take it. so i end up drownin myself w d fruit syrup to try to cool down. durin my 2nd cup, i alrdy v bloated but i force myself to finish up. yet i still terrible but i noe my stomach oso feel bad. yet i cont'd d 3rd cup till JT asked me to stop. but i still finished up. if can, i woudl take d 4th cup or more but i was alrdy sufferin physically too...

actually drinking water is oso a way to get myself out of d rm & to stand at d corridor thr. JT noe hw i feel & keep stickin to me askin me to calm down & 'shh-ing' me when she saw ppl approachin. really thks to her. but at times, she say something which she shldn't cos it wld make me feel more like crying. she asked if i 'ok' but i'm not so i had to hold back further & not cry.

s i drank too much till i in pain, my relatives didn't notice d earlier event & worried for me but i believed d pain wont last long cos it due to water & not food. but tt time i oso wish to run away but of course cant. & it's gettin late & i oso no whr go.

on way hm, i tot of possible hang out place & if i shld ask dear or check w my friend. i don mind watchin mid-night & get back v v v late. in fact, if can, i don wanna get back but i noe dear v v tired le. told dear tt i got 阴影 on gg home.

well, end up, ya. got hm but i really cant tahan. i cried. i cant stay hm so i asked dear go opps thr w me. sat thr & chat w him & of course really let it out & cry. hiddin & swollowing all d pride & etc is really terrible. cant say even facts even if i right. still gotta act & smile in front of ppl. wanna run away oso cant.

told dear tt in past, i wish i could say back or ran away when such things happen but i nvr & nw even more cant cos they would think tt dear teach me bad things but dear say he don care cos he oso feel they too much. he said tt if i contd swollow, i will more unhappy esp when i swollow in. & it's accumulatin deep inside. tt's y i cried even more often nw. he said he wanted me to be happier & he said tt if i contd swollow, it's a vicious cycle & i shld ve my rights to say wat is right & i ve d rights to b happier too. i noe wat he meant but... too much to consider... mayb tt's d traits of virgo. 'think too much'.

but i really wanna run away but no whr to go... told my friend & dear tt actually, at this pt of time, i don mind research cos tt way, even if i can go earlier, i can still stay in lab & say ot. i don wanna ve fixed hour job anymore. actually, mayb in d 1st place, yrs ago, i shld jus take up d paramedic job. odd hr. even if i no chance to study oso nvm. mayb i happier. mayb i can go drink w colleagues. i don fancy alcoholic drink but i wish i could get drunk nw. even if jus a temp measures... i wanna drink & get drunk & forget everything. mayb even vomit. incurred d sufferin physically so as to minimize d pain deep in my heart.

told dear oso tt i got think of dyin when i was in pri sch... to give up everything. told him tt if it contd & i contd to swollow in, i not sure if i could take it. i seemed to have reach my peak. i not sure if when i would get mad & den attempt suicide again. but if this cont'd i really cant promise tt wont happen... i really feel like givin up. i'm tired... mentally & physically. i'm under too much pressure.

alarm rang at usual time oso can make me wonder if i late when it's a sat. hm is not like hm. anytime can get in parents' way. religion side oso got pressure le. studies oso cannot make it. i'm like such a failure. jus something small tt happen jus nw & cos i swollow in + i not well, parents like treat nothing happen, yet oso affect me so much & cry.

yet, wanna die oso not tt easy. so irony... still wonder wat will happen to them if i die, etc. wat will i leave behind to all those who really care & concern for me, etc. virgo ah virgo... u think & think & even wanna die oso think of consequences... but at least tt kept me w my 理智... or mayb u might end up seein me in d newspaper in d u noe wat section...

too stress...

did i ve too much of lab work... my alarm happened to ring at d time i was usually in the bathroom & i jerked up thinkin i was late. den i wonder if i forgot to ask dear d time he need for mornin call & was thinkin wat time he needs to get back.

d pro is, today, both of us no need to get to work... shit... when i get too serious... dis is wat will happen... damn... tut, exams, etc oso like tt. stress le... cant enjoy like tt... *slap slap*, Jess wake up...

nose bleed

if i not wrong... i 'nose bleed' again. in d middle of d night ba... no flow out. no messy-ness... but got when i clear d back of my nose when i went to brush up, d mucus was 80% red... den i use tissue to dap my nose, thr were some blood stain but d blood had clotted... wat happened??? long time no like tt le leh... & i nvr had dis prob or history in yrs ago. only started last yr...

anw, luckily nvr messed up d bedsheet cos mum just changed ytd. & she will freak out again. today shall monitor & see hw... haiz...

nikon d3000

did i mention tt my dad bought a nikon d3000 camera b4? he bought it bout 1-2 weeks b4 we went HK. he sort of buy on purpose & he oso nvr tell me even aft he bought. i was like
-.-"

anw, nw i find d cam really worth it... haha... cos it's 1/2 price nw... cos got a promo to guess d winner of d WC... & not sure y my dad guess spain...

well, in d past, i do think of buyin & learnin & playin w it since i love snappin esp candid shots... but... i think i need advices... tutorials... cos it's too chim for me... like my dad's nokia phone which i don rmbr d model...

HELP!!! my dad been usin d cam & ytd he passed me cos he's not sure wat time he'll reach grandma's place on sat. celebratin grandma's bday then & usually we would take fam pic... too short time to try & practice la... ytd try try but duno y sometimes, jus refused to capture. today check out d web & note some spec settin & try... still sometimes, cant capture... why??? i'm really stuck lah... i suddenly feel my norm digi cam much better. easier to use...

anw, dad got d norm lens + a wide angle lens tt comes attached w d macro lens. so can detach & use s macro lens... but i dono hw to use. in afternoon i still think tt if i could learn, den mayb i shld get photoshop to learn too... haiz...

anw, photoshop oso had been 1 of d thing i wanna try but no time... & yet i'm still bug by some ppl who woudl say, 'hey, i worry for u. u look more tired... yet bug me do this do tt, go here go thr'... F*** $#%#%$ (sorry, jus think of them made me really mad)

dad oso pass me d cam so tt i could bring to melaka - a'famosa next wed to take pic... gosh... i dono hw to use lah... & d cam is heavy & bulky too...

day time, i oso tot of gg somewhr try d night shots since d cam is w me these few days so that i can try out b4 i go melaka but normal shots w light oso got pro leh... & d cam language understand me but i dun understand them... i only noe certain names like a for aperture & can focus on diff location, etc... i noe s is for shutter speed & it can control to take nice pic like waterfall, etc... but hw to set i oso duno. i noe d 'f' thingy is d focus but use wat w wat? & d iso thingy leh...

if really cant, den guess have to simply use auto throughout ba... but i think there r still times tt image is not capture when i hit d capture button leh... advice fr anyone???

no sound no color

ytd, dear somehw didn't received my sms sayin i gg back. den he say i 'no sound no color'. i get wat he meant but i keep thinkin 无声无息 & wonder y 'no color'... but i finally got it at d end of d day when i suddenly think of d chinese term in hokkien... 'bo siah bo seh'... lol...

meet up with friend

sun, my feelings went thru ups & down for which details i don wanna say anymore & mon had a borin evening but i think today, it make up for all that le.

managed to meet a close friend for dinner but she ended up spendin lots of money... thanks to me... lol... she went to courts to get an ext HDD cos she wanna d/l something fr me...

s thr is a new sch openin near my hse & open to public, we decided to explore d place but my friend oso wanna get the things fr me & tt might take time. so i suggested & we went to my place & leave it to d/l while we went opp to walk walk.

d space thr was big. d shop & save thr oso like usual. anything oso ve. next time, if i need anything, can jus go opp can le. no need walk to market thr le. hee... & we end up buying an ice cream to eat on our way back to my hse. we alrdy got ice cream s dessert aft dinner at ajisen actually but jus wanna enjoy & relax. & end up my parents saw us... 2 big gals walking back w ice creams in their hand. lol... anw, it was nice to chat up w my friend.

anw, gd luck my friend on ur job hunt. may u have gd news soon though tt might oso means it's much harder to meet up le. i still hope for d best for u...

btw, jus ytd, on way hm, passin by the stadium at pioneer, i wondered to myself, 'hw gd if thr is a runnin track near me & if i could still run esp if i really bored.' end up... so coincidently, thr is a runnin track in d new sch & it's opened to public. wow... cool leh... but i oso duno hw much my hip & knee could take d pressure fr runnin... haiz... long long time no run le... i miss my stamina i had ages ago... anw, if got free time, den see hw... mayb jus slow jog ba...

over eat again

eat too full jus nw... eat mixed veg rice... jus my parents & i & my 3 cousins & parents order steam fish, sweet & sour pork, broccoli w fishball, fried beancurd skin, fried egg w turnip, stew potato, wanton soup & fried egg w oyster...

anw, luckily i give some rice to dad. by right d portion i could finish cos not tt much but i give him in case he don ve enough. but... still eat till quite full.

den mum cook d 'ba zhen' soup cos she go ask d chinese med stall ppl about me feelin cold & shiverin aft i bath (not all d time but mayb 60%). i noe d reason... cos i don ve as much fats s before since i lost liek mayb 5kg... but she still want to ask.

well, aft d full dinner, go hm have d soup... gosh... feelin awful loh... bloated & pain at upper abdominal. even forcin to burp don help though not v 淑女... at least nw feel better le. & i still got a 'fish' pancake which mum bought at BPP.

long long ago, when thr was still yohan at PS, i quite like d fish pancake but many years don ve le. even mum oso miss it but unlike me, she cant tahan but to buy it when she already full. if i full, i wont feel like buying food. so tt pancake it still in my room. shall see hw ltr... if not, keep till tml... but... chances of eatin it v v slim. s tml a long day.

mornin will ve breakfast, den ard 11++ gotta lunch. den got bbq at d graduate student's hse. d one i was under. think alrdy oso sian. like whole day eat eat eat... & no rest though it's a sun.

2nd attempt fail again

2nd attempt failed again...

tired

tired... slept mayb for 30 min, see sms, den slp anoth 30 min, den watch 2nd 1/2 of wc match, den slp for another 2.5 hr...

anw, was it coincident or wat? ytd got match at 2.30 am but decided to wake up & watch 2nd 1/2 only so i noe d final results. in d end, 1st 1/2 no score but spain score in 2nd 1/2. lol... but d match like nothing big happen...

shall give d 2nd last match a miss & try see if can wake up see d final big match. den d followin day gonna suffer like nw again. haha...

hungry already

oops... stomach growling... eatin bread really don last v long... & duno got wat can be dig out to eat... cant dig nw... mum's still awake... hope she don come in & end up hearin... if, so, guess i'll say i eat v early dinner in sch ba... haiz... y always have to lie



i noe she concern but her over concern at times make herself unhappy den she black black face den i stress stress. if i no confident tt she not hm & it's late & i haven eat, i'll choose not to eat or grab a bun or so. but it's really ridiculous...



& nw... i'm hungry... argh...

讽刺又矛盾

真是讽刺。。。人家想早点回尤其是在星期五，可我却希望能加班，然后迟点回家。。。 回家而已嘛，干吗弄得好像好痛苦一样。。。

或许是阴影吧。。。从很小的时候就想逃离。。。现在更可以的话就越迟回越好。。。现在能用实验来找借口。可我没地方可去啊。因为我没逛街购物的习惯，我的习惯就是没事就回家。真的好矛盾哦。。。

学校，图书馆，公司，实验室，等，都已变成了我另外一个家了。可我却终究得回家，尤其到了一定的时间。

我甚至想或许一个人去看场电影才回家。可我也没一人去过。只要是一个人的时候，我连吃都不想，尤其在外头。一粒面包就这样解决一餐。就算是白面包也行。我想我真的怕孤独吧。我真的好想就留在实验室里不回家了。。。真的好想。至少我是自由的，也少了哪些不愉快的回忆与压力。。。

我对research又爱又恨

not fully recovered but mayb more than 90% ba. at times throat will itch & cough other wise, i'm ok. nvr took d dhasedyl since ytd afternoon though it's in my bag nw & i think i more or less recovered fr d knock-out state...

but... sian... don feel like gg back early yet my friend on course... no place to go... esp carryin heavy laptop even more no mood to shop. i actually wish to OT late today... i don mind. mayb i shld... jus tt heard of d graduate student's encounter w 2 weird guys in a car jus weeks ago... wat shld i do...

cant go back early or mum will really get used to it & always assume... don wish to go shoppin... no place to chill... no one to accompany... go hm oso borin... too tired to even enjoy & practice my piano... d best is to OT late... so i can have things to do yet can serve d net & have d peace & quietness & calmness... mayb research is not tt bad afterall... at least if i wan, i can stay late late.. but no life.. like workaholic. holi or weekend may b burnt...

我对research又爱又恨... mayb i do things slow ba... den stay back... mayb 7 like tt den go? cos i really don wanna go hm... my office is like my hm nw... when sch term, lib is my hm. nw is office & lab...

death...

life is short & extremely fragile... dis afternoon, while busy w lab experiments, doin a couple of experiments at 1 time, heard a sad news. dear's coursemate passed away. usually when we heard of news on unrelated ppl who passed away, we would most often jus brush off & forget soon aft. however, when it happened to someone closed by, it may knock some sense into us...

it's really scarely to hear such sad news, of friends/relatives, esp love ones. all these yrs, had relatives or even someone whom i know passed away. even my previous family doctor had passed away for maybe a decade or more.

i wont get nightmare or wat but seeing their cold & stiff body lying in d coffin will make me upset & wished that all these are just a bad nightmare. i always wonder, hw can a person be livin & talking & den d next moment went to d other world, leavin behind all d loves ones. don't they feel sad to leave them? i think if it's me, i will 舍不得...

a death tt made me rmbr till nw was my dad's cousin. we heard of d news when we were in KL 2 yrs back. her death left behind her elder sis, all alone in d world without any closest kins. their dad had passed away long ago tt i don even noe if i see him b4. their mum was a very nice lady who always welcome us to her house esp even CNY but she passed away almost similar time s my family doc. anw, i do try to keep in contact w my dad's cousin so tt she noe tt we are also her families.

well, i'm not afraid of death but more worried & scared of wat i would left behind. sadness for those who care & even d regrets for not fulfillin our own wishes... mayb tt's wat had kept me gg all these while even when i'm down. at least i got my 理智... if i don, i guess i duno die hw many times le...

life is also unpredictable & you never noe when exactly wat will happen. so do cherish everybody ard you before everything is too late...