i'm not a tech savvy person la... can jus take away all these gaghet? i see le i more irritated... i regret... really regret... regret wantin to pick up better photography usin decent pro cam like dslr, etc... but this is a wish deep in my heart... & i nvr voice out. cos i'm cool w jus norm digi cam... d ease of use, d simplicity, is so much better... mayb i wont feel so terrible nw...
previously i said tt dad got a worthy deal for a nikon d3000. however, it's nightmare for me. 3 short nites to figure out yet not successful. actually, ytd, alrdy give up & wanted to pass back to dad but he don't wanna take back. his reason previously was tt he was unsure wat time he finish work & so today celebrate grandma's bday so he passed me. but d cam language understand me but i don understand them...
den... today, he could reach home by 5 pm. it's consider early... yet, d cam still w me. nvm... s it was gettin late & i had nothing to do, went to d corridor to try takin pic of d BPP w lightings. den cousin found out i newbie to d cam & he said he got full set at hm & noe hw to use. so asked him teach. only tell me bit bout d 'F' thingy but didn't really get to try... den gotta get back in to take family pic. i even ask him wat to use durin those settings.
in d end, i cant figure out d timer thingy. didn't managed to figure out much for past few nites. den dad unhappy. say 'feng liang hua'. say alrdy passed me but i nvr figure out. i was thr, feelin hot & wanna figure out how but he still like tt. he used d cam longer than me yet he oso duno leh. he oso nvr come to help figure out. my cousin oso stand thr nvr come forward. got pissed off... got pek chek... esp aft hearin my dad's comment. wat? he think speak hokkien den i don understand? even my other cousin, JT, understood & 替我不值 loh... dear oso try came forward to volunteer to take pic for everybody.
at 1st, i tot of takin pic of everybody den take pic of d cake. cos cake come out last since it's ice cream cake. but end up no mood. luckily got my old digi cam so tt one set timer to take everybody. but either 1 took or my dad took d pic usin d d3000.
not only i no mood, i feel hot, angry, upset, pek chek, annoyed, etc. & i feel like say back & even cried but i hold back. i don wanna a celebration to become a 'battle ground'. grandma alrdy angry my uncle who listen to wife & went to gentin these few days. i don wan grandma to sad sad. plus if i say back, parents sure hoppin mad & i'm gonna get it. but holdin back to say or cry is really terrible. i really cant take it. so i end up drownin myself w d fruit syrup to try to cool down. durin my 2nd cup, i alrdy v bloated but i force myself to finish up. yet i still terrible but i noe my stomach oso feel bad. yet i cont'd d 3rd cup till JT asked me to stop. but i still finished up. if can, i woudl take d 4th cup or more but i was alrdy sufferin physically too...
actually drinking water is oso a way to get myself out of d rm & to stand at d corridor thr. JT noe hw i feel & keep stickin to me askin me to calm down & 'shh-ing' me when she saw ppl approachin. really thks to her. but at times, she say something which she shldn't cos it wld make me feel more like crying. she asked if i 'ok' but i'm not so i had to hold back further & not cry.
s i drank too much till i in pain, my relatives didn't notice d earlier event & worried for me but i believed d pain wont last long cos it due to water & not food. but tt time i oso wish to run away but of course cant. & it's gettin late & i oso no whr go.
on way hm, i tot of possible hang out place & if i shld ask dear or check w my friend. i don mind watchin mid-night & get back v v v late. in fact, if can, i don wanna get back but i noe dear v v tired le. told dear tt i got 阴影 on gg home.
well, end up, ya. got hm but i really cant tahan. i cried. i cant stay hm so i asked dear go opps thr w me. sat thr & chat w him & of course really let it out & cry. hiddin & swollowing all d pride & etc is really terrible. cant say even facts even if i right. still gotta act & smile in front of ppl. wanna run away oso cant.
told dear tt in past, i wish i could say back or ran away when such things happen but i nvr & nw even more cant cos they would think tt dear teach me bad things but dear say he don care cos he oso feel they too much. he said tt if i contd swollow, i will more unhappy esp when i swollow in. & it's accumulatin deep inside. tt's y i cried even more often nw. he said he wanted me to be happier & he said tt if i contd swollow, it's a vicious cycle & i shld ve my rights to say wat is right & i ve d rights to b happier too. i noe wat he meant but... too much to consider... mayb tt's d traits of virgo. 'think too much'.
but i really wanna run away but no whr to go... told my friend & dear tt actually, at this pt of time, i don mind research cos tt way, even if i can go earlier, i can still stay in lab & say ot. i don wanna ve fixed hour job anymore. actually, mayb in d 1st place, yrs ago, i shld jus take up d paramedic job. odd hr. even if i no chance to study oso nvm. mayb i happier. mayb i can go drink w colleagues. i don fancy alcoholic drink but i wish i could get drunk nw. even if jus a temp measures... i wanna drink & get drunk & forget everything. mayb even vomit. incurred d sufferin physically so as to minimize d pain deep in my heart.
told dear oso tt i got think of dyin when i was in pri sch... to give up everything. told him tt if it contd & i contd to swollow in, i not sure if i could take it. i seemed to have reach my peak. i not sure if when i would get mad & den attempt suicide again. but if this cont'd i really cant promise tt wont happen... i really feel like givin up. i'm tired... mentally & physically. i'm under too much pressure.
alarm rang at usual time oso can make me wonder if i late when it's a sat. hm is not like hm. anytime can get in parents' way. religion side oso got pressure le. studies oso cannot make it. i'm like such a failure. jus something small tt happen jus nw & cos i swollow in + i not well, parents like treat nothing happen, yet oso affect me so much & cry.
yet, wanna die oso not tt easy. so irony... still wonder wat will happen to them if i die, etc. wat will i leave behind to all those who really care & concern for me, etc. virgo ah virgo... u think & think & even wanna die oso think of consequences... but at least tt kept me w my 理智... or mayb u might end up seein me in d newspaper in d u noe wat section...
No comments:
Post a Comment