hostel is my backup plan nw...

history always repeat itself... i'd to go thru d process of feelin 怨望 & angry yet cant do anything bout it...

jus nw, dad had a failed attempt to get me to eat d curry puff he bought.

dad: i bought 3 curry puffs. 1 each per person. i don care
me: i don wan. i full
dad: i don care. 1 each per person
me: i eat as breakfast tml
dad: cannot. alrdy bought
me (pissed off but still remain calm): i oso don care. either i eat as breakfast or jus throw away cos i full nw
mum: y you so fierce
me: (thinkin, facts don always sound gd) it's true cos if i full nw, hw can i eat. so either i eat as breakfast or i don. (thinkin: since i noe eat too full will uncomfortable, hw can i force them eat, anw, if so, they will oso angry).

dad was ok then while i go shower . tot at most they jus not really tt happy... but... ~1 hr ltr when mum was jus in my rm tokin to me, dad came over my doorway & angrily say me

dad: you cant take jokes recently. next time don tok to u alrdy...
me: ???? (puzzled, 怨望, angry + got urge to counter back but i held back).

is forcin ppl eat a joke? somemroe, it's not d 1st time he forcin me le. & oso if he treat s a joke, thr shld ve a limit cos he shld noe thr is 2 outcome, either 1 eat or i don. if i eat, i may end up uncomfortable which he shld understand. somemore, i give alternative say i eat next mornin. so he shld jus stop thr for a joke but he nvr... he oso cannot accept tt i eat next day. so is tt still a joke? do i still laugh it off? wat sense of humor is tt? hw will he feel if i force him eat?

somemore, i oso not feelin tt quite well. throat givin way & while nappin, feelin me not really tt well. actually, i dare not nap for today one cos i alrdy napped for 2 days. i scare even mum oso not happy.

they r givin me more stress. they wan me accompany them yet wat they do make me repell more. wantin to stay out more. i tot of a backup decision which is to stay in hostel for my fyp. say inconsistent time. but... it's not easy get a hostel plus i may not ve d money & i may not ve d time esp if need cca pt.

b4 i got into uni, i did tot of takin up d dance or d wushu cca but aft i got intensive pain in my hip aft i join my dance gp since 2005, i oso give up d idea so wat else can i join s cca if i got d time... but i shall find out more bout stayin in hostel.

i really had enough of swallowin my pride, etc. i got a feelin tt it's enhancin them to cont'd d way they r. but w d ponderin, it's not right to counter back s it will worsen d situation. it's really hard to b a filial daughter & yet a happy gal at d same time if they cont'd like this. so i'm serious bout my hostel backup plan...

cos jus nw tt situation, even explain to mum oso no use. she'll still end up complainin to her friend. say i fierce, say i no gd, say i made her in difficult position, etc... prob even say she wanna run away fr hm when i shld b d one doin so...

i'm really losin myself... losin my ability to smile... losin faith... losin d fightin spirit... i need a backup plan like d hostel plan b4 i give up totally... at least b4 i was thrown & fallen to d valley w a black hole, i got a rope to hang on to pull myself up slowly & yet steadily...