Tuesday, 31 August 2010

sch start le. no time to lose

sch started ytd & saw d crazyness of the queue outside d library & d rushin in to get seats & d big crowds at d printin rm.

& lecture notes out too late when i gotta go back lab. & cpu d/l so slowly. haiz. anw, i gave up & went to lab instead & borrow friend's cpu to print d notes.

cells didn't grow well so aft i do a set, decided to stop & check w prof since afternoon no class. so no need rush. so went back aft lunch. spent much longer time than expected aft checkin w prof & discussin another results w him. but i stayed on since dear ask me wait in sch & use friend's cpu to print past yr papers. can save $$ ma. haha.

anw, when dear came over, i went to get dinner & after dinner, went w him to ktv w his friends. i noe will b late but i no sch on today ma. turned out to be a gatherin so i'm d odd one but oh well, i saw his friends for a couple of times b4 so not tt unfamilar but oso not to d extend of being v familiar.

hw shld i say, hmm, let's call him boss. their boss was there & he paid $100 alrdy & asked us to settle d rest of d bills ourselves & he seemed quite close to d ppl thr & guess wat... total for 8 of us only $128 & we had ordered 2 honey drink, at least 5 mug of beer & a bottle of Remy Martin which comes with free flow of mixer (coke & green tea). i feel like a village girl thr. duno bout alcoholic drink & duno wat mixer was until then.

& oops... i drank 2 cup of d Remy Martin. 1 w coke & 1 w green tea. 1st time drinkin tt but i still sober aft tt. anw, Remy martin alchol content is 40%. so much higher than beer? & my record in d past was 2 glass of red wine durin weddin dinner or a can of beer when i was really down at hm mths ago & prob 3/4 of whiskey on d rock durin dear's friend's weddin in aug. this shld b d most amt of alcohol content flowin into my blood veins.

anw, we were thr at ard mayb 8 or 8+ & stayed till almost 1am when d place closed & dear sent me back before going home. he gotta work today jus tt not tt early so he don stay over.

today, since i noe mum b out, i slept till later but nw i can feel tt it's still not enough. it's not cos of jus 1 nite but due to accumulation of many late nites since d start of d sch holi. my ave lights off is 1+ am but might hit 2+ & ytd's record was 3+am. & afternoon i nvr nap le. cos mum's back.

jus nw purposely miss d call fr my contact i/c fr my dance gp but i called back or she'll bug me further. heard a news. not sure gd or bad but i would prefer not. i'm really drained le.

usually we will b in d gp for 5 yrs & usually 'graduation' is in sept. so by right soon. yet, i had been doubtin & i bet it's really true cos dec will ve a major performance & d sian thing is, it's on x'mas day. & thr r 3 other dates to block. x'mas eve & another 2 other dates, 1 of which was my friend's weddin day.

though i don really enjoy d family gatherin on x'mas eve, i suddenly feel tt it's so much better than d rehearsal, etc. i'd lost d interest & passion for d dance & performin. bein in d limelight (though in a v big gp no longer can push me further in d gp). i guess i'm too tired for anything nw. wat i need is a break. in d past, i'd thought tt so long s i strive on till sep this yr, i would feel better w 1 lesser activity & can concentrate in my studies but den thr seemed to ve this major challenge.

if i can breakthrough, i would b able to show ppl & probably my future employer. but... it's really a thin line btw make it or break it. it's my final sem to get As. really As if i really want at least a 3rd class honor. shit...

but, tt might b a final performance i would get & it's a major one at indoor stadium. if i don ve d commitment of study & was jus workin as a lab tech like d past, i would sure b able to enjoy & put in more than 100% effort. it would be fun but nw, i don ve d passion & yearnin to go. i cant perform like d past where i can draw out each step in my note book aft trg so tt i can practice & refer to when i forget. i cant practice till i can go by the song, the lyric, d music anymore. even gg by d beat count was also a problem for me.

ytd, durin d ktv, dear's friend sang d song which was 1 of d song for d last song which i enjoyed performin. aft tt, i had 2 or 3 more other performance but i don enjoy. it's different feelin. so if i commit myself, tt means i would have to give up my friend's weddin, my family gatherin, my extra study time & rest time. i noe i had reach beyond my limit. tt's y i really wonder if i wanna work part time. if not cos i got long break, i would not agreed to work. & i refused to take other timin. & tt was why i had grow to love short getaway like d melaka trip i went w dear. it's away fr everything, all d responsibilities, all d early mornin wake up, all d stress, etc etc.

anw, decided to give up though it would be my final chance to performance. will say friend's weddin on actual date. don care le. & will try escape trg s much s i can. since oso no pt i go cos i not performin. go thr mayb jus learn d technique but wateevr it is, i shld graduate this yr though seemed like might be in dec or aft. furthermore, trg is startin fr mornin 8.30 till 3. which means breakfast at 7+ den go w/o food till 3++. is tt lunch or is tt tea break? trainin leh. not lesson whr use brain only. trainin, 11+ alrdy hungry loh. den dinner hw? time all screw up. tt's y i so want to escape fr it if possible.

i don wanna sacrifice my studies anymore. in sec sch, in poly, i'd been doin well. not v well but acceptable w majority Bs. at least still let me go into uni. but those day, i only got studies. in sec sch, due to cca, i had sacrifice my o lvl results. but in poly, no other commitment. nw, i think i wanna give up everything oso. totally focus & i'm sure i can do it tt way if no other mtg, no other trg, no other work, & if best, no stress at hm. tt's y i wish to move out. mayb if i'm out of hm, i will oso feel better. anw, i can still use d time study in sch or at dear's place if he not workin or finish worrk early. i still ve sch & his place to study. jus need to focus rather than those mtg or trg.

i noe they will say, take it s a challenge but haven i been challengin for d past 3 yrs? & i failed a module too & had been gettin all Cs & Ds. i noe it's tough but if i can focus, i should at least get Bs & Cs one loh. s long s i can focus & not so tired, tense up & stress up & constantly put an armor or shield. luckily i got my sch friends & esp dear or i bet i should ve given up long ago.

anw, rmbr last time, when i go talk to d prof whom i'm attached to, he said ppl outside looked at grades & surely, my friend who jus seek for attachment alrdy been through tt acad selection process.

& ytd, dear's 'boss' oso asked me a question. w my results, hw can i b sure to get to whr i wanted? ya. i ans him back tt i'd experience but i oso noe d reality. it'll b a tough road ahead. at 1st, i still ve a glimpse of hope aft my attachment but his qs hit me hard again. slap me back to reality but my firm ans sayin i got experience seemed to convince him but not myself. i jus hope i can get d interview to show my determination.

but b4 tt, shall focus on studies & try my best. no time to lose. no time for those serious stuffs like mtg & trg.

watever it is, conclusion is to focus on study!!!

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