2nd doc

gettin more sick when i woke up this mornin. actually last nite oso.

last nite, aft take med, & slowly tidy up to go sleep, felt v 反胃 again. d stomach acid kept purgin up again n my head so heavy n blurry. it was only better if i laid down & it was hard to stay upright w/o feeling worse n worse so i quickly laid on my bed n sleep hopin today b better.

end up, still had d terrible painful throat, my throat is still swollen, i totally no voice. had to clear n clear throat n tried a couple of times b4 i can say something but in a v soft n coarse voice. n best part. i got terrible headache on my right side which spread to d eye thr & even movin my eye will hurt too. my body oso achin once a while here n thr fr within like fever but today my temp is within d norm range unlike ytd nite.

manage to go to sch in such state n ctrl not to cough too much in bus cos ltr ppl scare or not happy. n guess wat, in school i felt 反胃 again. esp worse if i stand. n my headache oso worse if i stand or made sudden movement. it's terrible.

like i said, certain experiment once started, had to cont'd till certain step. n since d experiment will take d whole day, i nvr listen to dear to see doc in d mornin which i really regret. yet cos of d experiment, i forced myself to finish till certain steps before i left to see doc cos i really cant take it. at times, i really wish to run to d washroom to vomit but d washroom is quite a distance away. can i last tt way for d whole day? n i oso can blackout for brief sec when i suddenly stand up. so i noe i cant cont'd n tot of gg sch medical ctr to see doc but surely got queue at tt time le. n it's a distance away too. n thinkin of gg back hm also make me 不知所措... i noe i can sleep but mum b worried n b thr niam-in... but sch oso no place for me to rest.

end up, luckily dear could go back early & so he came to pick me on d way & send me back to d clinic near home. n he was ard to accompany me n so mum nvr come niam so much. phew... tt's y i like it when he's ard. 耳根轻静.

anw, my 反胃 is due to d antibiotic given to me earlier by doc fr another clinic. i shall note down d name of d med cos it don suit me. given an almost full new set of medications n took after reach home. n aft a disturbin nap fr my cough, i felt much better. but initially, i could still experience d brief blackout when i suddenly stood up. n i got my voice back or at last it's so much better.

getting worse

my illness gettin worse each day.

last week dry & slight discomfort throat for 2-3 days so took med
den green phlegm/mucus tt deposited over d night.
den even got blood n swollen throat so went see doc cos believed need antibiotic le.
den, jus minutes aft took med fr d doc, vomited.
1 day aft seein doc, woke up w v v painful throat. see it's more swollen.

today, still woke up w d v v painful throat. n s d time passed, sometime my nose block or bit harder to breathe thru nose so use mouth n it irritate my throat makin it drier & wanted to clear it & ended up coughin. n den i oso no voice. had to clear my throat to talk but most often w cough too. & jus nw when i reach hm, took temp & realized i was slight feverish oso... no energy to go buy or cook or even eat. after bath jus lie on bed.

initially today, not much to do so tot can leave earlier but end up, thks lor... cos i got experience n can multi-task, i end up dealin w a couple of experiments at d same time. gotta rmbr this time & tt timin. prof not ard & 1 graduate student went for class, another went to b teachin assistant, & another takin a nap while me, jus a fyp student busy like hell in d lab w/o time for me to even go drink some water so needless to say, cant take cough syrup oso.

& tml mornin i doubt i can go see doc again. got things to do oso. haiz...

burden

today, went to d career fair. not tt beneficial at all. potential employers actually lookin for non sci students actually. WTH!!! wat career fair is this... anw, i alrdy said i open to more options. thus, still submit application to like TTSH though it's non-sci based job.

tt apart, if no 'accident', i guess i would ve 1 more stone relieved fr my shoulder but thr r still many. at least d relievin of 1 is better than nothing. & hopefully i not so stress up s days pass ba.

but i'm still sick. ytd see doc den vomit aft den today d sorethraot got worse n even my cough too. even my voice not really same in afternoon. kinda worried d nvr endin cough haunt me again. it's been quite long since it came back le. so pls cont'd to stay away fr me. thks...

sick

it'd been quite some time since i got ill enough till i vomited... my 老毛病 is nose & throat which end up w bloody phlegm/mucus & oso long-duration cough tt takes months to recover. always managed to ctrl to prevent cough cos i noe i cant afford to.

anw, last week, my throat started givin way. dry till irritated till can cough once a while. took duro-tuss dry cough lozenges cos cough syrup running out. & past 2-3 days ago started to have green phelgm/mucus when wake up but today worse cos got spots of blood again.

went doc in morning & tt doc usually don give antibiotic but he gave today. awhile aft took med, out of d blue, i felt v bad. stomach purging d acidic fluid up my mouth till i cant take it & dash to d toilet to vomit. den i took d only sweet i'd left. s i suck d sweet, was still manageable but once d sweet ran out, a while later, i 1/2 ran to d toilet to vomit again. think at tt time, my stomach isn't hungry but had already digested my breakfast so no solid came out. vomit till even my upper abdomen cramp up & it jus felt so terrible tt tears flow again.

at tt time, when i felt so terrible, my thoughts oso ran wild again. was askin myself y i cant rest all these while, y parents like tt, i'm really tired n need rest, n y i'm d one who always had to think for others & put myself in other's shoes & push myself further. y when i needed d care n concern n ppl to dote me & sayang me, i still have to ask for it? y it seemed no one will automatic come to me?

luckily today, cos of my throat, decided to see doctor n nvr went lab. wonder hw i can work tt way. dear was ard n he gave me warm water & asked me to nap so tt i'll feel better cos sleepin. but b4 i nap, was sortin some docu & could feel my head getting heavy n spinning. but scare d docu will fly away, i forced myself to finish sortin & almost ran to d toilet to vomit again.

for lunch, dear went to pack for me but i could only finish 1/2 of d noodle soup. at least i felt much better in d afternoon. prob cos i got take d anti-dizzy cum anti-vomit med. luckily i had tt med oso. it's supposed to be taken 3 times a day but i only took in d late mornin cos i vomited. but a while ago, i jus took it again cos my 胃doesnt feel tt gd again.

in fact, i not sure y but i oso easily felt head spinnin. i cant bend my head low for even a short while inside movin car to search for something inside my bag & oso not for long even if jus sittin down on my bed. i tot was d cough syrup but seemed like not cos even my 胃 started to b not gd oso. it's really not a gd timing to b sick la.

& best part, a big ant dropped on my in d lift & back hm, a tiny 小强 crawled around in front of me & a mosquito challenged my speed for 3 times. thks... wat a day.

it's dear's bday & i so blur till i forget to get him a bday cake. n i oso nvr wish him happy bday d moment he SMS me in morning or 1st thing in fb. at least managed to treat him for dinner. today it's oso my friend's bday n i oso cant rmbr to wish her too. haiz... sorry dear, sorry cecilia! i really didn't mean to forget.

scary & eerie nightmare or???

last nite had a scary & eerie nightmare or is it not?

i always squeezed to a corner of my bed to slp & place bolster & pillow on my other side. fr young, i always like small space cos it made me more secure.

fr my memory, i sense something at d bolster & pillow side. it's like someone is thr but either i cant see or i cant even turn to see. but i really 抗拒 tt presence which seemed to wanna pull me towards it. it tugged & pulled my hand which i resist.

den i suddenly felt s if someone wanna carry me fr below my knee & back. & it's trying to carry me off & out of my bed. i cant moved still but i managed to move my hand & grab on my mattress cover & so it failed to get me out of my bed again.

failing to do so, i suddenly felt something pressing on my throat & chest s if trying to suffocate me. i can feel out of breath. esp due to d pressure on my neck. i tot this time, i gonna die but somehw, d presence left.

i guess i'm still scare of dying. scare of leavin. but wat is d purpose of tt something? who or wat is it? d only someone who i can associate w is my grandma whom i always cried to bring me away when i'm really low? is it her? did she come to prove to me tt i actually didn't wanna die? if not her, then who else? *shivered*

shag

wah sey... since last week, been really busy in lab esp esp early in mornin. can start a couple of experiments almost at 1 time, 1 aft another during d waiting time in btw & runnin ard like crazy fr lab to core area. in & out, in & out numerous times within minutes till my feet (esp heels & thighs) hurts & my back oso tensed up. though got a place to sit in office oso like nvr sit for long. 1st time reach at 8.30 +/-, is to tie hair, change shoes & go lab n start work.

shag shag shag aft all these... & today, i really cannot take it but took another 5 min slp b4 i head to sch & in bus really k/o. but d moment i reach, start work again cos i need to spin down d bacteria aft growin them for 6-7 hours. i wished i can sleep more n rest more at hm but i guess it's gonna b hard. n my feet nw hurts quite bad even when not standing & worse when i stood up but den still will have hsework to do esp on weekends.

i started this rabbit yr w prob at hm n ended d cny w tonnes of works. jus great... but at least d cny ended off w a pcs of gd news ba. it's something tt give me more reason to cont'd work hard to look forward to. 1 of d things i had to settle & thr r many others tt i'm tryin to settle or r awaitin me to settle.

n this yr i'll b graduatin, so i guess this yr will b a yr of changes for me ba. hopefully it's changes for d better. shall not look back on all d unhappiness no matter hw bad i'd started off this rabbit yr. tt day, my friend gave me 兔肉干. mayb i shall eat it up to conquer this yr. if i dare to eat it...

20110214 - Valentine's Day Surprise

Got a Valentine's Day surprise from Dear. I know he this year never agreed to order flower from his friend but apparently he ordered fr his cousin & asked his cousin to send to sch. i duno hw he got d add cos i tot he jus noe hw to come but oh well, it we send to d GO.

& my colleague called me near noon & said thr was a delivery for me which was weird. if thr is lab delivery, should be call d lab staff & not me wat. but i tot tt mayb line engage or so. end up saw his cousin at d counter whr i work b4.

& i sign d DO & it was correctly stated 60 Nanyang Drive. wow... & students r sellin/deliverin pre-ordered flowers & mine was so much bigger. at d lift lobby, saw a friend & enterin d lift, thr is a student w many bouquet of small small flowers to deliver but d size of mine was like similar to wat she was holdin & she kept starin at mine till i duno wat or hw to react.

but it was a pleasant surprise for me. thanks dear!

pure smiles?

today went to a family friends hse for cny gatherin. 1st time i went thr durin cny. i think so. anw, i was invited tgt w my bf cos he's d sec sch friend of d younger son & it was their family gatherin plus sch friends gatherin.

since d family were a long friends of mine, d auntie was d friend whom my mum been talkin to all these while & so i had a long talk w her. i really envy their family. so happy & can joke ard & d auntie is really understandin & talked w me & encourage me to b happier fr nw on. i'll try but easier said than done.

anw, aft tellin d auntie d whole story, when she asked mon hw i gonna celebrate cos it's valentine's day plus oso sort of d day dear n i noe each other. told d auntie tt i duno cos 1) duno wat time dear workin & till wat time he'll end & 2) i oso duno wat time my lab work will end too though dinner might b possible but if busy den might b v late. 3) even if got time, hw much energy will we have or rather will i have? & oso wat is d possible time? at least d auntie understand unlike my mum who kept thinkin tt i kept gg to his place to eat & dun wan her. i seldom go over nw le wor.

well, though i really seldom talk w d auntie, when i did, i always felt more relax & at ease after chattin w her. she is 1 of those ppl whom i would confide in esp since last yr but seldom cos she is afterall a 长辈. & though tt day i wished to call her, i nvr cos i noe she oso must b busy for cny & oso takin care of 2 grandsons. her 2 grandsons r really adorable.

d auntie treat me like a daughter & her 2 sons treat me like sis though we weren't in much contact in d past. & so it made me d 姑姑 of her 2 grandsons but i only see d elder 1 for 2 time & d other 1 time since they were born. thus, today was either d 3rd or d 2nd time i see them. & i'm surprised tt d elder one who was in d walker actually opened up his arms wantin me to carry him. & i oso managed to make d younger one smile so widely till he got hiccups.

i really loved to see their smile & hear their laughter. it's so pure, so innocent, so 单纯, so bright, so true, so energetic, etc. it glow inside my darken heart tt i wished i could smile like them ever again. recently, even if i laugh or smile, it'll soon be embraced by d darkness fr deep within me. it's like d death eaters or watsoever fr harry potter story were hauntin me, following me ard but d smile & laughter fr my 2 nephews give me some hope to wan to get a chance to smile like them too. will i ever?

Technology

technology is forever advancin. can 1 catch up w d forever advancin technology? can 1 b so up to date to have all d latest technology? n is all these technology so gd? r thr any flaws? will they fail u?

long time ago, hw do ppl rmbr other ppl's contact no or address esp those u usually keep in ocntact like families, relatives & friends? esp for contact no, most ppl rmbr it w their brain unless ppl don mind bringin d handwritten phone book but rather than flipping manually, i guess it's so much faster to browse thru fr d brain.

so nw hw ppl rmbr? or did they even rmbr or bother to rmbr? almost everyone got hp nw. & hp can save contact no. so most ppl don bother rmbr d no ba. jus type d person's name & d no would come out. hw many ppl can rmbr all ur immediately families no, relatives no & close friends' no? i cant. i can only rmbr my parents no & dear's no. so hw much u usin ur brain?

so wat bout address? unless u got keep gg to d place, if not u oso wont rmbr & tt is cos of d conditioning of one's brain. u may noe hw to go but if ask u to write out d add, can u? so wat happen if don rmbr, jus call or sms d person right?

wat if phone no batt, no reception, or phone dead for wat so ever reasons? human had become too dependent & rely too much on such technology. when phone or contact lost, oh, nvm, got fb, got email.

months ago, i lost all my email contacts cos i deleted off fr my old phone cos it sync n mess up my contact book in my phone & somehw, it got sync back to my email acc. so thks ah. i noe i had lost some impt email contact which till nw i cant rmbr who. s for friends constantly being contacted, can get back their email add by sms, by fb or even when meetup.

den if u usin a norm old model phone & d batt weak le. batt dead den will u rmbr d no u need to call if u r meetin tt someone?

even if u got d newest model phone, a really popular phone. does it meant tt this wont happen, i got friend whose phone batt guage isn't accurate & her phone can went dead. den hw? even iphone oso got flaws.

recently, went to service ctr cos reception weak & got sms late or got incident tt i nvr received. plus phone oso got many background noise tt cant make out wat other party is trying to say. den hw? luckily got a replacement set & they transfer all my contact for me. if not, den i would have to use email (which i don ve a full list) or else thru facebook to get back all my contact le.

& tt time, mum kisiao cos dad nvr pick up her call & y? cos phone's prob + volume somehw got turn to minimum. & oso tt time my mio down & esp when durin time when i need d web for research. so?

i guess i'm startin to hate d ever advancin technology. technology can make ur life so much simpler. so much till u'll feel handicapped w/o it. i think i'm better of livin in d old old era whr communication is so much harder. den i wont ve to face prob of havin many miss call fr hm, etc.

anw, all these jus a tot cos today my friend told me bout her trip w her husband to japan. 1 of a place on d hill (resort or so). cos it's was d only time she managed to spend quality time w her husband cos usually ppl would b glued to d tv, d cpu, d laptop, game, hp, etc.

like dad, when he's watchin tv, u tell him things he oso wont notice. happened w dear b4 oso. & apparently my friend oso experience too. i wonder oso if it's cos ppl nwadays find leisure fr all these gadgets & end up throwin out all d negative things on ppl & 发泄 on them? i wish things aint like this. it's really sad.

afterall, we r all human. human ve our own needs. we aint robort. we need genuine care & concern fr d bottom of d heart. we need encouragment & support. n sorry but i ve to say this tt human r oso selfish & didn't like to share ppl or things. so mayb tt's oso y mum not happy cos thr is another person sharin my time w her. n at times, i dislike sharin dear's time w his ipod touch or internet too esp if i feelin down cos i cant find any comfort fr all these gadgets.

面子

什么是面子？为什么那么多人都死爱面子？面子能带来健康与财富吗？面子能当饭吃吗？如果为了面子但是会伤害自己或身边的人，你还会选择面子吗？为什么人往往都把面子看得那么的重呢？

有时候我会想，是面子的问题还是人的自尊心在作祟？是自卑吗？是好胜吗？可是赢了又怎样？输了又怎样？会死吗？

考试拿第一名又怎样？工资领很多又怎样？家里很有钱又怎样？驾大汽车又怎样？住大房子又怎样？很能喝又怎样？每个人都是独一无二的。要怎么比？行就是行，可以就是可以，是就是是，不就是不。

为什么人就不能知足常乐？为什么人不能学者爱惜自己和他人呢？为什么人不能接受他人的优和缺点呢？

有句话说：不管是什么车，只要能带你到目的地的就是好车。而且，不管是什么车，就算是跑车，遇到塞车，还不是一样不能冲？所以就算你有面子，如果没健康，没真正关心你的人在的活还不是很孤独很没用？

我真的对这面子这事而觉得好厌烦啊！

almost self-medicated

had & found a few slpin pills at hm. almost self-medicate hopin for a better rest though i noe side effect not so gd. jus wanna forget everything for nw den plan for next when time come but read up on depression & it stated tt one shouldn't self-medicate cos it is extremely dangerous & can b fatal. so shall forgo d slpin pill le.

anw, will drinkin help to relieve d tension nw? i nvr drink till get drunk b4. wat's d feelin like? i wish i can try esp if it can help even if jus temporary measure...

i oso think of loud music w strong bass so it can muffle d noise inside my mind. but dear don like me blastin my earpiece though i don ve those blasting type of music in my phone.

drink + loud music, mayb 1 day if mine at home explode again, i should go to 1 of d pub, etc to get d music + drink since i oso curious on wat it looked like & hw it was like. can kill many birds w jus a move wor. since alrdy exploded, jus let it cont'd to explode lor.

anw, not all d time when i feel low tt i need loud music. sometimes i wan soothin music while sometimes i wanna b in quiet & peaceful environmant away fr ppl & eevrything & b embrace by d nature. so i guess if ever 1 day i went mia, it wont b easy to track me since i don ve any fixed preference on wat i like to do when i'm feelin down.

depression

i think i'm fallin apart... can get really siao at times... d phobia n nightmare n past bad experiences r tearin me apart... i not sure but i'm afraid i'm walkin d path of depression nw... esp w d suicidal tot whenever i felt like thrown into d valley...

wat i'm experiencin nw...
bad childhood memories of being blamed
bad memories of being scolded for thousand & 1 reason
bad memories of being over protected
bad memories of being restricted
bad memories of being a 'sandbag'
feelin of being trapped cos cant go out much
feelin really drained out mentally & physically yet cant & dare not rest
stress financially
worry bout findin a job
scare of being alone yet cant go out
scare to stay in a home filled with mines & yet no whr else to go

cry over small things

cry easily even when jus tryin to talk out

stress to always b in a fully equiped & geared up mode

losin interest in everything

losin d ability to smile & laugh fr d heart

wishin so much to b freed even if tt means death
wantin to let go of everything
wantin to hack care everything
wantin to hurt myself

& mum's mood swing & grumpyness & negativity r makin me feelin worse. it's prob due to pms for her but it's not doin gd for me cos i even more afraid to face her & b at hm. furthermore, she oso like 2 headed snake. i oso duno if i should believe & listen or not

& dad not in same frequency s me. he don understand tt study & workin is not any easier than jus workin. n so all he sees is jus d surface. tt i nap or wat & feel i so eng & wan me do more & unhappy if i nap. hw many hr did i slp s compare to him? each day on ave, i only slp 4-5 hr leh.

& all these while, i kept pushin myself to d limit but think d eve of cny eve eruption had gone beyond my limit. since then, i had been cryin everyday & every night. i'm scare. i got phobia & ended up i not scare of death cos once no breathe, no heartbeat, i wont feel anything anymore. i wont feel d pain deep inside. i no need to cry, i no need to ctrl & not to scream out.

all these while, i got dear & an old friend who noe me & d prob since more than a decade ago. so i'm so much at ease w them & i could find them even if not immediately but maximum would be 1 day ba. but my friend is busy w study & work & knowin tt dear b away for ~10 days. tt made me really scare & had to hold back n not to cry for d whole day today.

i wonder if 1 day, if i lose all these supports & encouragement & if i had to go thru all d unhappiness, hw long can i endure? will i go mia & hid fr everyone or mia totally fr dis world?

nw i can only wish time would pass faster. at least nw, i no need scare of test & exams. & aft i clear my fyp & found a job, at least another 2 big stones r thrown away & thus less worries.

losing my 避风港

haiz... 1 aft another... nvr endin prob... nvr endin trouble... nvr endin bad news...

mum still s grumpy s ever. if she like she will ans back if not only got silence. but even if she ans back, oso v grumpy tone. so tt made me so much wanna get away fr hm. wish for a short break, a short weekend getaway so i can get out of my hse even for a day.

anw, all these while, i can still sms dear when i really upset & when possible he will call me & chat w me. & come to accompany me but jus heard of a bad news. he'll b attached overseas soon. initially it was jus rumor so i chose not to believe & hope for miracle but looks like i'm really down on my luck when d rabbit starts to hop over to chase the tiger away.

jus nw, he gave me a cfm dates on when he would b away n it's end of d mth. he will b away fr 28 feb to 8 mar. i'm scare actually. i'm scare tt if things r not s smooth at hm again which i doubt in short term will, i not sure hw my heart can take it alone. n i doubt my friend would b free to meet up too cos she busy w work n study too. all these while, i either look for dear or tt friend but den soon i'll ve none.

d only thing i can 安慰 myself is tt he wont b away for months which was what he said he might ve to b away for. tt time, tt news came when i was gg into my exam hall for my exam. haiz... anw, i doubt i can 安慰 myself n say d sooner it's over, d better cos surely thr will ve such cases in future. but when he's away, i'll really ve no other 避风港... really hope can bury myself w tonnes of lab work or to read up & start my report ba. if only hm can b whr i enjoy to b at. den i wont feel so jialet nw.

i'm losin a 避风港 so whr is my real 避风港???

weird dreams

Not sure if it's cos of all d tensions/stress which i'd been gg thru. i had a really weird n eerie dream last nite.

dreamt tt i dreamt tt thr is some spirits/something not fr this world or so in my study rm & whichever corner i turned to or stand at in my study rm, i would b reminded of d dream w spirits & i would get d creep down my spine so i ended up quickly got out of d rm.

den i was at a place i not sure. a place which i had another family. i even had a bro. i ain't see dad. anw, mum was unhappy cos another plant had grown on her plant which she called 人字树. wat a weird name. & it was grown right in front of a fence. she went mad & chop off d whole plan. mum & i sense something not right & so we got bro out & somehw thr is a courtyard or garden right outside my hse.

n i can hear d eerie screechie sound fr 1 of d trees. s we passed by d tree to wanna get away fr d place, i saw & realized whr d sound came fr. it apparently came out fr a water sprinkler somewhr right at d top of d tree. so seein tt it was leaky, i was so relieved to know whr d sound came fr. cos it's not fr some spirit.

i was so relieved tt i nvr bother anything but since bro n i had to go somewhr (sch or wat), we asked if mum wanna drive us thr & she agreed immediately like wantin so much to get away fr d hse. in d end, s bro n i sat at d backseat while mum drove, she became really weird like being possessed. it was really scary but we can only stay inside d movin car.

i cant rmbr wat happened next but i noe soon aft, i was woken up by my 1st alarm. n i really duno hw to decipher my weird n eerie dream. mayb i too stress w study till in my mind it seemed like a monster to me. den d fence is like i'm being caged up w no freedom. n d possessed mum is like hw much i scare of my mum nw n a bro is mayb wat i'd been hopin for to protect me & share all d burden w me? & it oso seemed so coincidentally similar w my feelin for hm. wantin to get out yet wanna go back if it's safe.

though i cant decipher my dream, i still can managed to find link w my reality. so mayb it's really cos by my subconscious mind. it oso showed hw much i'm affected by d cold hard reality tt even in my dream, i can make up such a weird story.

i'm a maid

aft i confess to parents tt i oso worry for $$, told them wat i busy bout like work, sch, FYP, info research, lab research, report, etc so end up nvr oso help much at hm cos i'm really tired oso. end up, i'm still ask to sweep d floor on weekend (actually i noe oso include p. holi la). fine w me. not a v heavy choir anw but i don think i could get s much rest s b4 like takin a nap for a while esp when dear's ard.

n though i nvr get s much ang bao $ s last yr, d amt is still within wat i tot i would get n so $$ wise is still under control. jus when i tot everything under ctrl, everything should b gg on ok, i can b more at ease at hm, dad jus nw give me some $$ n say tt i should ve told them tt i oso worry for $$. wat for i say? i should ve enough unless i nvr work all these while. if i no work n get $$ fr them, i think i b more stress.

n soon aft tt pushin of $$ ard, i finally accepted it but a while ltr, dad talk talk n den say tt when i'm hm on weekend, i should help to wash d toilet too. -.-" great. i suddenly feel like i'm paid to wash d toilet. another part-time job when i didn't wanna work cos i wanna focus on my FYP!!!

wa kao... i tot i alrdy told them i wanna focus on my FYP. n i alrdy said it's not jus 1-2 day effort. everyday i duno wat time end. n weekend or p. holi oso may kanna. n not jus doin FYP in lab leh. i oso need to find paper, read up more, n write my thesis & do up my poster at d end. n i cant jus read up late late leh. i alrdy told them my grades sucks n FYP is my last chance. yet... they don seemed to understand. still wan me do this n tt. den i may s well jus cont'd workin lah.

n oso, though i had graduated fr my dance, i still ve soka meetings leh. jus tt haven really start cos cny. n b startin real soon. i oso duno if i got time go for d plannin n rehearsal for d actual meetin every mth n if i gotta go back lab on d sun when thr is d meetin. n oso thr r other meetings oso leh.


wat for i had been wishin tt i graduated from my dance? so i can put more focus on study n rest more.

y i quit fr my clinic job? so i can put more focus on study n rest more oso.

y i choose attachment than work when i noe i need $$ oso? cos i need a more recent related work experiences to fight for job w those who got 3rd class honor n above.

y i seldom go dance n mtg for last sem? so i can put more effort on my studies cos i'm scare i fail any module n oso hopin to try to bring up to at least a 3rd class honor which i fail to get but i managed to pass everything.

y i choose not to take up my last dance proj in d dance grp which probably might b my last major performance? cos study is more impt.

y i actually wish to choose not to work in jan? cos i'm drained n i hope to rest but cos i was given high rate n cos i cant rest much at hm, so decided to push myself again n work.


i noe, it's impossible to get a 3rd class anymore but i still wanna aim for an 'A' for my FYP to tell my future employee tt though my acad is poor, my hands-on is good cos i'm experience. i'm trained fr poly, i'm trained s a technician, i'm trained in attachment, i'm trained n had done well in my FYP. at least chances of securin a job is slightly higher. so this FYP is really impt.

i'm drained n i noe i can't n dare not nap at hm unless dear ard cos parents wont say anything but looks like they still 看不爽... still wanna find things for me to do. d f* up thing is tt, mum can say, 'oh, i oso heart pain u so tired, i oso duno wan u to b so tired. i noe u oso 辛苦'. yet still ask me to sweep d floor n den nw dad still ask me wash d toilet.

for him, aft work means aft work. me aft lab, still ve things to do. all he noe is slp or go out take pic. den wat bout me? seein me slp so eye sore? in lab, may b busy till no chance to do any read up leh. n i cant absorb when i'm tired. i can get ko w/o completin a para leh. when can i get all d rest tt i had lost?

i alrdy ask for few more mths of understandin. if i'm workin s a technician like last time, i wont mind helpin on weekend. weekdays is oso tough cos i help out b4. i was oso v drained then. mum's arm pain, leg pain n yet she still wanna go out, shop, etc. den end up wanna throw evrything to me? den i drain who i throw all d choir to? nw all i'm askin is a few more mths till i finish my fyp, is it tt much tt i'm askin?

last time, w dear, we still go out movies n eat like almost every mth or so. he brought me watch countless of movies then but then nw? can u ask urself, when is d last time i went for a movie w dear? i alrdy no such leisure le leh n stayin hm more le leh. y still unhappy?

i really feel like i had no place to go. no place for real rest. i cant nap in lab/office, i cant nap at hm, i don feel gd to nap at dear's place esp when his mom ard n esp when she busy. i basically had no place for rest. unless sleep at nite. n i oso cant slp till late liek for weekend.

i'm thinkin n wonderin if i don get d $$, can i don get all the choirs? mayb they should use d money to get a maid instead. since mum 'can't' do, dad don wanna help, me oso really drained. at most aft i found a job, i pay for d maid lor. at least i'm relieved fr all these wor.

but still, d prob of me restin n they seem eye sore is not solved. hw can i solve tt prob lah. even if stayin in hostel oso cant solve cos i still have d cleanin to do wor. haiz...

i need a 避风港, a place whr i can rest n relax n allow me to focus on wat i had to do for at least these few months. i wan a place whr, if i'm tired, i can slp n den wake up afresh to cont'd wat i'd to. i wan a place w/o any prob to add on to mine. i oso need ppl to understand my needs rather than wantin me to do wat u needs. i really really REALLY REGRET takin this degree course. i don feel i gain any knowledge at all.

mayb i'll b better off workin s a paramedic last time. cos work is unpredictable. parents wont b able to ctrl me. i b more free. aft work, if day time, if i wanna slp they oso cant say anything. if not, i stay in a bunker n slp loh. at least i wont b so miserable like nw.

terrible terrible 1st Feb

1st day of d mth ended up really really bad... i wish i could simply jus dump everything n ignorin everything but i cant...

after dinner, reach home to find mum alrdy hm. she apparently had done many things during d day. she went to take care of my cousins in mornin den went to her youngest sis's place to clean up & den she still tidy at hm & rearrange d sofa & her massage chair.

anw, she seemed fine then. & she still went to cook agar agar as she said my cousins wanted. well, she had sprained her ankle recently & was jus recoverin fr serious flu & yet she still did so many unnecessary things esp like d agar agar so i commented tt she could do another time. she was still alright then. she even warn me tt it's milk agar agar den cos i cant take milk smell & after she added almond essence, i went back to d kitchen to joke a bit too.

well, even gg to her sis's place oso not necessary. knowin tt she wanna tidy own house w her recoverin ankle, etc, since it's gonna ve long holiday, she can jus let her sis to tidy herself wat. so i guess eventually prob set in.

at d end of d day, think her ankle hurts terribly & she kept dad wantin him to drive her to get ankle guard or so but dad nvr pick up & knowin my parents stupid habit, they would call non-stop n surely it'll make u frustrated. anw, i only noe these details aft d whole hoo haa...

fr wat i know fr d beginnin, i jus noe she suddenly go out. i tot she was gg to open letterbox w dad like usual & so i nvr bother. when dad call, i tot they bought something n needed me to go down n take but i cant make out wat dad was sayin w a v disrupted background. so i hang up & call him. in d end, he haven call mum n he suspected w determination tt mum was unhappy cos of numerous miss calls. dad said tt something is wrong w his phone cos he also had many other miss calls for d whole day.

dad den call mum's phone & she nvr brought out again. & dad asked y i nvr ask whr she go. hw i noe? it's norm tt she went out ard tt time esp when dad not back yet to accompany him to sing post to open d letterbox. & she don always have to report to me tt she gg thr. so i assume she went out w him so i nvr ask but my dad is unhappy about it.

when dad reached home, mum wasn't back yet. dad haven even shower n he was really grumpy n mad tt mum must b gg crazy again n felt tt she don understand him. he was further determined tt she called n cant get him & left d hse when he saw whr he placed her phone.

aft shower, w/o even appearin fr his rm, dad alrdy blamed tt i nvr help at hm anymore. did he ever help? y must it b me only? cos i'm a gal? cos i'm their daughter? i not a maid oso wor. n i not playin in sch leh. i work i study. my work oso not jus sit thr doin nothin wor. so wat if i'm an undergrads? i oso work in store, movin cartons of things. n nw, i'm doin fyp. do research is not like d usual 8-5 or 9-6 job. cant go on d dot one leh. n aft gg back still ve other things to do. hw to help so much s compare to last time when i was workin a 8.30-5.45 job only to ve OT once a while.

i think he'd d mentality tt i should be doin easy job w my edu lvl. so he always cant take it tt i'm sittin in front of my laptop at hm thinkin tt i'm playin n when he sees me slpin. does he know tt i go to sleep really late? n i don sleep till tt late even on weekends. w him ard, i oso scare to take nap. y? cos he's not happy. n nw i not usin laptop for fun oso. i doin research, findin papers, updatin resume, n oso checkin n monitorin my finance.

think i don ve stress? think everything so simple? if my fam is rich, do i ve to work part-time? do i ve to use my savings for all my expenses? do i ve to worry bout money? even when i in poly, i alrdy tot of quittin sch. when admitted to ntu, i was really scare. if not cos my friends encourage me, i wont even take up d offer n i really regret. i'm strugglin.

i'm strugglin w my study, to catch up but i nvr did. yet i'd to work to be financially stable & tt take off my study/rest time too. it made sudyin more difficult but i nvr complain. all my grades r mainly Cs n Ds. i can't even get a 3rd class honor. & i failed a module b4 jus tt i nvr say. i was so scare when i was getting my most recent results. i was so scare i fail again or fail others or i cant graduate on time. den i would ve to declare 'bankrupt' le. my $$ is runnin low. i cant afford to delay graduation. i need job almost s immediately s when i graduate but think so easy find meh?

w my grades, compare to those w 1st class or 2nd class honor, wat is my stand? even 3rd class honor student oso might not find tt easily so wat bout me? think i might b better of applyin for a job for diploma rather than a degree. n seein my cert, i'm alrdy demoralized. i don ve much of a mastery. i'm a master of none. so?

n i'm really gettin insufficient sleep. it's hard to get up & i can drift off even if i'm standin. n yet i cant really nap at hm. wat's is all this? i'm physically n mentally stressed n drained but i'm still pushin myself forward. w all d stupid hoo haa... it's makin things worse. i really wish to dump everything, & thought tt though death cant change anything or make things better, at least i wont noe anymore.

last time when i was workin, aft work means no more work. i can go back. i can learn piano, music theory, cookery class, go meet friend, practice piano, cook, wash, clean but now is diff. can he put himself in my shoe b4 blamin tt i nvr help?

cos of feelin so 'yuan wan' & all d stress is eruptin out, i cant control n started cryin. i need to release n cool down but seein tt i was cryin, dad was unhappy again & throw his phone down n said angrily tt he may s well jus die cos 1 angry cos of miss call, another cry jus cos he say i nvr help at hm but i cry not cos of tt only.

he den went out (to search for mum) but nvr brought his phone along. so i pass to him timidly. i oso wish to go out but i was cryin even worse then so i nvr. luckily dear noe i upset & so he called & ask me to calm down & advice me to stay home so tt if mum's back, i can inform dad.

& truly, mum came back alone. & so i called dad. tried to tell mum tt dad's phone got prob, purposely say loudly over d phone tt i'll check dad's phone when he come back. but it nvr help. not even when i check dad's phone & ask him wat d prob n advice him to go to PS to change his phone n confessed tt i did change b4. mum was still angry & so i ask her to calm down cos dad didn't do it on purpose but she still angry.

say she's in pain n wanted dad to bring her to buy something but dad don pick up n ignore her. dad said tt she could call another no but she nvr & still she was unhappy. told her tt i was hm & she could ve asked me to get for her but she said till like both of us don wan her. wat is this? did i say i don wan her? i was hm most of d time oso leh.

to make things worse, she didn't want dad to go into d rm n hit him to get him out n say she didn't want him anymore. she hit so hard on dad's chest n face tt he usually had high tolerance of pain n yet he shouted 'ouch' n kept backin out.

dad kept tryin to explain n she didn't want to listen n she threw both of her hp on d floor sayin tt since he didn't want to pick up, she also didn't want any phone any form of contact. & she sat in d kitchen floor. n kept shoutin for dad to get out.

dad sat thr to accompany her she also shouted for him to get out. she even throw glass container, she also smashed down d plastic rack filled with things. but when dad wanted to go out, which is suspect he said tt life is meaningless again, mum shouted & scream for him to come back.

i was in study rm den writin notes for them n so i end up sittin at d gate to prevent dad fr gg out. actually, if he insisted, i think in d end, i would be d one runnin out. i wanna get out, to run away fr everything. b uncontactable. n let them had d feel of wat it's like.

anw, last week aft sprainin her leg, mum said tt this week she didn't want to look aft my cousins sayin tt their dad isn't workin so mon aft my fyp, i called back to see if she wanted dinner but she wasn't home. n she still denied sayin tt she wont b lookin aft cousins cos she still went over when uncle is around. if i wanna ignore her, i wont even bother to ask if she wanted dinner. if i don wan her, y i still get her d keychains, still get d photo package, talk to her once a while though i wanna do other things. i talk to her more than few mths back le leh. y she cant be satisfied?

& since her ankle hurts, y she wanted to do so many things? she jus makin it worse n it's wat i should say 自找. n relatives not comin over for cny le wor. y she wanted to do so many things? she could ve rested for s long s she can.

n i don understand. y my cousins can say her so directly n yet i twist ard n yet she still think like i don wan her. y i'm always their target no matter if d fault is w me or not. to other ppl, they will smile smile even if they late or wat but behind, they grumble or nag at me though it's other ppl who r late or do wrong. i'm not a sandbag oso. i really felt really hurt. since upper pri, how many times had i cried cos i felt so yuan wan? hw many times i cried cos i don feel d love? hw many times do i ve to cry cos of stress? hw many times ve i cry cos of stupid hoo haa? i cant rmbr le. & hw many times did i had d feelin of jus die? hw many times i cried in front of ancestor tablet, cryin for my ah ma to advice me or take me away? i also can't rmbr le.

do they noe tt wat they actually r doin r makin me more distant fr them? i'm scare, i'm stress. hw long can my thoughts run wild b4 something really happen to me? will they regret after tt? mayb someday u might see a pc of news sayin tt a lady commited suicide n make sure tt she will die by takin pills, cuttin wrist n jump fr a buildin tt cos multiple fractures? frankly speakin, tt's wat i tot last nite cos if i wanna die, i'll make sure i wont survive further. i really don noe hw long i cant last like this for. i ended up writin my thought n stress to let them noe tt i'd my own prob too n i don look s carefree s i'm. i care for them too.

i sittin at a corner of my bed. huggin my big bear n cried for very long. n when alarm rang, i realized tt i'd to call dear cos he had to work. it's only aft tt as i cry, i drift to sleep but i was still at d corner of my bed when i woke up w really swollen eyes.

when saw tt mum was rubbin medicated oil on her ankle, i volunteer to put for her but she still coldy say no. so wat do i ve to do? wat i did wrong? they only think of themselves den wat bout my feelings? i put down my pride, my pain n act norm but tt doesn't mean i'm ok. i cant stay tt long at home so i left since i really had to go back to d lab to work cos there r things tt i'd to do otherwise cny holi i'd to come back. but aft doin wat i had to, i ended up standin at a ulu corridor n transport myself to lvl 4 link way until d sun was jus too hot to bear. but going to d lab is quite terrible cos i didn't wanna b w ppl who duno wat i'd been gg thru so far. i cant explain fr beginning. wat i need is someone whom alrdy had background knowledge of wat i'd gone thru but none is available. my friend is at work. dear is at work. tot of callin d auntie but today cny eve. n she must b busy too n she had to take care of 2 grandsons too. so i didn't wanna bother her. so thr is no whr tt can 容纳 me. no one to embrace me. no one to support me nw. i'm all alone.