terrible terrible 1st Feb

1st day of d mth ended up really really bad... i wish i could simply jus dump everything n ignorin everything but i cant...

after dinner, reach home to find mum alrdy hm. she apparently had done many things during d day. she went to take care of my cousins in mornin den went to her youngest sis's place to clean up & den she still tidy at hm & rearrange d sofa & her massage chair.

anw, she seemed fine then. & she still went to cook agar agar as she said my cousins wanted. well, she had sprained her ankle recently & was jus recoverin fr serious flu & yet she still did so many unnecessary things esp like d agar agar so i commented tt she could do another time. she was still alright then. she even warn me tt it's milk agar agar den cos i cant take milk smell & after she added almond essence, i went back to d kitchen to joke a bit too.

well, even gg to her sis's place oso not necessary. knowin tt she wanna tidy own house w her recoverin ankle, etc, since it's gonna ve long holiday, she can jus let her sis to tidy herself wat. so i guess eventually prob set in.

at d end of d day, think her ankle hurts terribly & she kept dad wantin him to drive her to get ankle guard or so but dad nvr pick up & knowin my parents stupid habit, they would call non-stop n surely it'll make u frustrated. anw, i only noe these details aft d whole hoo haa...

fr wat i know fr d beginnin, i jus noe she suddenly go out. i tot she was gg to open letterbox w dad like usual & so i nvr bother. when dad call, i tot they bought something n needed me to go down n take but i cant make out wat dad was sayin w a v disrupted background. so i hang up & call him. in d end, he haven call mum n he suspected w determination tt mum was unhappy cos of numerous miss calls. dad said tt something is wrong w his phone cos he also had many other miss calls for d whole day.

dad den call mum's phone & she nvr brought out again. & dad asked y i nvr ask whr she go. hw i noe? it's norm tt she went out ard tt time esp when dad not back yet to accompany him to sing post to open d letterbox. & she don always have to report to me tt she gg thr. so i assume she went out w him so i nvr ask but my dad is unhappy about it.

when dad reached home, mum wasn't back yet. dad haven even shower n he was really grumpy n mad tt mum must b gg crazy again n felt tt she don understand him. he was further determined tt she called n cant get him & left d hse when he saw whr he placed her phone.

aft shower, w/o even appearin fr his rm, dad alrdy blamed tt i nvr help at hm anymore. did he ever help? y must it b me only? cos i'm a gal? cos i'm their daughter? i not a maid oso wor. n i not playin in sch leh. i work i study. my work oso not jus sit thr doin nothin wor. so wat if i'm an undergrads? i oso work in store, movin cartons of things. n nw, i'm doin fyp. do research is not like d usual 8-5 or 9-6 job. cant go on d dot one leh. n aft gg back still ve other things to do. hw to help so much s compare to last time when i was workin a 8.30-5.45 job only to ve OT once a while.

i think he'd d mentality tt i should be doin easy job w my edu lvl. so he always cant take it tt i'm sittin in front of my laptop at hm thinkin tt i'm playin n when he sees me slpin. does he know tt i go to sleep really late? n i don sleep till tt late even on weekends. w him ard, i oso scare to take nap. y? cos he's not happy. n nw i not usin laptop for fun oso. i doin research, findin papers, updatin resume, n oso checkin n monitorin my finance.

think i don ve stress? think everything so simple? if my fam is rich, do i ve to work part-time? do i ve to use my savings for all my expenses? do i ve to worry bout money? even when i in poly, i alrdy tot of quittin sch. when admitted to ntu, i was really scare. if not cos my friends encourage me, i wont even take up d offer n i really regret. i'm strugglin.

i'm strugglin w my study, to catch up but i nvr did. yet i'd to work to be financially stable & tt take off my study/rest time too. it made sudyin more difficult but i nvr complain. all my grades r mainly Cs n Ds. i can't even get a 3rd class honor. & i failed a module b4 jus tt i nvr say. i was so scare when i was getting my most recent results. i was so scare i fail again or fail others or i cant graduate on time. den i would ve to declare 'bankrupt' le. my $$ is runnin low. i cant afford to delay graduation. i need job almost s immediately s when i graduate but think so easy find meh?

w my grades, compare to those w 1st class or 2nd class honor, wat is my stand? even 3rd class honor student oso might not find tt easily so wat bout me? think i might b better of applyin for a job for diploma rather than a degree. n seein my cert, i'm alrdy demoralized. i don ve much of a mastery. i'm a master of none. so?

n i'm really gettin insufficient sleep. it's hard to get up & i can drift off even if i'm standin. n yet i cant really nap at hm. wat's is all this? i'm physically n mentally stressed n drained but i'm still pushin myself forward. w all d stupid hoo haa... it's makin things worse. i really wish to dump everything, & thought tt though death cant change anything or make things better, at least i wont noe anymore.

last time when i was workin, aft work means no more work. i can go back. i can learn piano, music theory, cookery class, go meet friend, practice piano, cook, wash, clean but now is diff. can he put himself in my shoe b4 blamin tt i nvr help?

cos of feelin so 'yuan wan' & all d stress is eruptin out, i cant control n started cryin. i need to release n cool down but seein tt i was cryin, dad was unhappy again & throw his phone down n said angrily tt he may s well jus die cos 1 angry cos of miss call, another cry jus cos he say i nvr help at hm but i cry not cos of tt only.

he den went out (to search for mum) but nvr brought his phone along. so i pass to him timidly. i oso wish to go out but i was cryin even worse then so i nvr. luckily dear noe i upset & so he called & ask me to calm down & advice me to stay home so tt if mum's back, i can inform dad.

& truly, mum came back alone. & so i called dad. tried to tell mum tt dad's phone got prob, purposely say loudly over d phone tt i'll check dad's phone when he come back. but it nvr help. not even when i check dad's phone & ask him wat d prob n advice him to go to PS to change his phone n confessed tt i did change b4. mum was still angry & so i ask her to calm down cos dad didn't do it on purpose but she still angry.

say she's in pain n wanted dad to bring her to buy something but dad don pick up n ignore her. dad said tt she could call another no but she nvr & still she was unhappy. told her tt i was hm & she could ve asked me to get for her but she said till like both of us don wan her. wat is this? did i say i don wan her? i was hm most of d time oso leh.

to make things worse, she didn't want dad to go into d rm n hit him to get him out n say she didn't want him anymore. she hit so hard on dad's chest n face tt he usually had high tolerance of pain n yet he shouted 'ouch' n kept backin out.

dad kept tryin to explain n she didn't want to listen n she threw both of her hp on d floor sayin tt since he didn't want to pick up, she also didn't want any phone any form of contact. & she sat in d kitchen floor. n kept shoutin for dad to get out.

dad sat thr to accompany her she also shouted for him to get out. she even throw glass container, she also smashed down d plastic rack filled with things. but when dad wanted to go out, which is suspect he said tt life is meaningless again, mum shouted & scream for him to come back.

i was in study rm den writin notes for them n so i end up sittin at d gate to prevent dad fr gg out. actually, if he insisted, i think in d end, i would be d one runnin out. i wanna get out, to run away fr everything. b uncontactable. n let them had d feel of wat it's like.

anw, last week aft sprainin her leg, mum said tt this week she didn't want to look aft my cousins sayin tt their dad isn't workin so mon aft my fyp, i called back to see if she wanted dinner but she wasn't home. n she still denied sayin tt she wont b lookin aft cousins cos she still went over when uncle is around. if i wanna ignore her, i wont even bother to ask if she wanted dinner. if i don wan her, y i still get her d keychains, still get d photo package, talk to her once a while though i wanna do other things. i talk to her more than few mths back le leh. y she cant be satisfied?

& since her ankle hurts, y she wanted to do so many things? she jus makin it worse n it's wat i should say 自找. n relatives not comin over for cny le wor. y she wanted to do so many things? she could ve rested for s long s she can.

n i don understand. y my cousins can say her so directly n yet i twist ard n yet she still think like i don wan her. y i'm always their target no matter if d fault is w me or not. to other ppl, they will smile smile even if they late or wat but behind, they grumble or nag at me though it's other ppl who r late or do wrong. i'm not a sandbag oso. i really felt really hurt. since upper pri, how many times had i cried cos i felt so yuan wan? hw many times i cried cos i don feel d love? hw many times do i ve to cry cos of stress? hw many times ve i cry cos of stupid hoo haa? i cant rmbr le. & hw many times did i had d feelin of jus die? hw many times i cried in front of ancestor tablet, cryin for my ah ma to advice me or take me away? i also can't rmbr le.

do they noe tt wat they actually r doin r makin me more distant fr them? i'm scare, i'm stress. hw long can my thoughts run wild b4 something really happen to me? will they regret after tt? mayb someday u might see a pc of news sayin tt a lady commited suicide n make sure tt she will die by takin pills, cuttin wrist n jump fr a buildin tt cos multiple fractures? frankly speakin, tt's wat i tot last nite cos if i wanna die, i'll make sure i wont survive further. i really don noe hw long i cant last like this for. i ended up writin my thought n stress to let them noe tt i'd my own prob too n i don look s carefree s i'm. i care for them too.

i sittin at a corner of my bed. huggin my big bear n cried for very long. n when alarm rang, i realized tt i'd to call dear cos he had to work. it's only aft tt as i cry, i drift to sleep but i was still at d corner of my bed when i woke up w really swollen eyes.

when saw tt mum was rubbin medicated oil on her ankle, i volunteer to put for her but she still coldy say no. so wat do i ve to do? wat i did wrong? they only think of themselves den wat bout my feelings? i put down my pride, my pain n act norm but tt doesn't mean i'm ok. i cant stay tt long at home so i left since i really had to go back to d lab to work cos there r things tt i'd to do otherwise cny holi i'd to come back. but aft doin wat i had to, i ended up standin at a ulu corridor n transport myself to lvl 4 link way until d sun was jus too hot to bear. but going to d lab is quite terrible cos i didn't wanna b w ppl who duno wat i'd been gg thru so far. i cant explain fr beginning. wat i need is someone whom alrdy had background knowledge of wat i'd gone thru but none is available. my friend is at work. dear is at work. tot of callin d auntie but today cny eve. n she must b busy too n she had to take care of 2 grandsons too. so i didn't wanna bother her. so thr is no whr tt can 容纳 me. no one to embrace me. no one to support me nw. i'm all alone.