wat i'm experiencin nw...
bad childhood memories of being blamed
bad memories of being scolded for thousand & 1 reason
bad memories of being over protected
bad memories of being restricted
bad memories of being a 'sandbag'
feelin of being trapped cos cant go out much
feelin really drained out mentally & physically yet cant & dare not rest
stress financially
worry bout findin a job
scare of being alone yet cant go out
scare to stay in a home filled with mines & yet no whr else to go
cry over small things
cry easily even when jus tryin to talk out
stress to always b in a fully equiped & geared up mode
losin interest in everythinglosin d ability to smile & laugh fr d heart
wishin so much to b freed even if tt means deathwantin to let go of everything
wantin to hack care everything
wantin to hurt myself
& mum's mood swing & grumpyness & negativity r makin me feelin worse. it's prob due to pms for her but it's not doin gd for me cos i even more afraid to face her & b at hm. furthermore, she oso like 2 headed snake. i oso duno if i should believe & listen or not
& dad not in same frequency s me. he don understand tt study & workin is not any easier than jus workin. n so all he sees is jus d surface. tt i nap or wat & feel i so eng & wan me do more & unhappy if i nap. hw many hr did i slp s compare to him? each day on ave, i only slp 4-5 hr leh.
& all these while, i kept pushin myself to d limit but think d eve of cny eve eruption had gone beyond my limit. since then, i had been cryin everyday & every night. i'm scare. i got phobia & ended up i not scare of death cos once no breathe, no heartbeat, i wont feel anything anymore. i wont feel d pain deep inside. i no need to cry, i no need to ctrl & not to scream out.
all these while, i got dear & an old friend who noe me & d prob since more than a decade ago. so i'm so much at ease w them & i could find them even if not immediately but maximum would be 1 day ba. but my friend is busy w study & work & knowin tt dear b away for ~10 days. tt made me really scare & had to hold back n not to cry for d whole day today.
i wonder if 1 day, if i lose all these supports & encouragement & if i had to go thru all d unhappiness, hw long can i endure? will i go mia & hid fr everyone or mia totally fr dis world?
nw i can only wish time would pass faster. at least nw, i no need scare of test & exams. & aft i clear my fyp & found a job, at least another 2 big stones r thrown away & thus less worries.
No comments:
Post a Comment