update on my hip injury...

an update on my problematic hip...

a tue ago, went to see my family doc. said prob due to ligament but ask me go X-ray check & i went.

fri mornin, skipped tut, went to see doc & collect report. said thr is a cysts & asked me go specialist

today, went to d specialist at raffles hospital. prompt appt but... gonna b exp... esp when i gotta go do a MRI scan. doc said d cyst may not cos me prob but prob ligament which x-ray cant show. & tt scan wil cos ard $750 to $1k (w/o GST)... & cant used medisave... sighed...

if i fri go myself, i wld ve chosen govt hospital & wait. it's not affectin me much at all so i can wait... but mum worried.

today, dad sent me thr. doc ask me y i see him. i tot he suppose to tell me wat's wrong w me cos thr r x-ray & referal letter. -.-" aft checkin, he said need do MRI scan see my ligament. & appt fixed on Mon afternoon.

today, dear workin but he after work, rush over thr find me despite d rain. thanks! & don worry that you are late cos in d 1st place, i tot of gg thr alone. i rather go thr alone than go w my parents. your presence is an added bonus.

anw, mon, most likely shld noe d reason le. i jus hope i no need any physio, etc. jus tell me wat i can do & wat i cant will do.

又有家归不得了...

我又有家归不得了。。。 其实不是不能回，而是很不想回。。。 家里的那一家之 ‘煮’实在是太敏感了。。。 让我不知道该如何面对她。。。 就因为这样使得我好像有家可归不得。。。

last few wks b4 exams comin... i tot of restin & not gg sch if no lesson for 1 or 2 days aft all assignments clear to rest but i guess i shall do away w d plan. i'll rather not rest. i'll rather go sch & chiong all d way. i noe i'll get drain out faster. but i really don wanna stay hm & face her... b4 she go crazy. i'll really go nuts...

at most i survive on bread & biscuit again. no prob w tt. luckily i found attachment & started immediately aft exam. cant imagine hw i can survive facin her alone at hm...

y? y do i always like got a hse yet like no hse to rest & do things i like... i think stay hm is more stress than work & sch. if can, i'll rather work 24/7 so i need not go back. mayb it'd been a wrong move yrs ago. i shld ve taken up d paramedic job. odd timin. long hrs away fr hm... & it might oso ended up s something i love to do cos i nvr dislike it or i wld nvr apply...

i noe i may not get d chance of getting into uni & all these part time job offer. but i guess at least i wld ve a job. & d time for work is more dynamic so if i unhappy, i can jus leave hm say i go work or so... unlike nw. my time more or less fixed... i'm one who don like ot if can but if like tt, i rather ot...

hw? wat can i do? wat shld i do? avoidin is nvr a way to solve a prob but it's d easiest way out. & i still ve to go back some how... i always had to drag myself back. ppl look forward to go hm but not me... is tt a hm? ppl's hm is their 避风港. whr is mine?

weight still cont'd decrease...

hmm... enough of d advertisement for d interpersonal skill trg course...

ytd, heard comment tt i'd 'slimmed down lots'... jus took out my bathroom scale & weigh myself cos i don believed.

yes. i don eat s much s yrs ago. & thr was a period of time tt i really lose appetite, all thanks to d koka instant laksa. but i still eat. & recently, i felt i could eat more than tt period of time. so i tot i would ve gain back some weight...

however, it seemed not true... i think my weight still decrease. i had lose another 1 kg. so total, i lose like 4 to 6 kg when i didn't go on diet purposely. furthermore, not exam period whr i survive in lib w jus bread or biscuit. m i too stress? i don think so... unless d stress is hidden... unless it's my weighin balance tt go prob... think i really need to monitor le...

interpersonal skill trg

Advert:
'interpersonal skills'
train u to think within split seconds & act 'appropriately'...
it's strongly recommended + it's FOC!!! any takers?

d only drawback for this course is tt, you gotta train yourself. no trainer provided but rather dump you in real life situation. but it's a real life situation tt can make you learn better...

but despite d drawback, d course is conducted at d 'comfort' of my hm... so 'gd' right? FOC + no transportation (for me)... but if can, i'll rather not take it... stress...

jus got hm aft an international buffet dinner w dear's nanny's family. yet i gotta explain & say d gd & bad of it in a nice way to cover up for my parents. to try make them decide themselve & not i decide for them tt d place is not suitable.

aft tt, mum oso come in my rm chat... gotta go a round way jus to say i busy so cant tok to her. link up fr d sweets. say no help for me in class to keep me awake. den link to say mayb not enough sleep. den link say many project, reports, etc. den link say tt's y i nvr entertain her when she tok... jus cos i cant directly say to her or she think so much... nw become i gotta think so much & all within split sec...

also bout tue gg see specialist. say dad wanna go oso to ask bout his leg prob. told her dear might go aft work oso. told her i workin in mornin oso. told her i duno hw aft tt cos 2 cars. told her whoever i follow oso not right. den link up say tt's y i didn't want them follow. & oso cos i can make my way thr myself (since i so old le - but this 5 words only in my head)

since she said i must say wat doc say, fair enough, i told her tt i noe they would worried so i tot of gg get report le den say but in d end, she found out b4. & they don believed me cos they worried. told her i noe my limit & i really nvr did any trg today. i told her tt i really no pain & no take pain killer & she can go clinic & check w d doc d no of tab i was given & tally. & said tt was y when they don believed me, i got so 'agitated'. so i directed everything back to me...

a few times, i almost blurt out wrong things... but i paused & changed immediately jus to make sure it min d chances for her to think on d negative side.

but d thing is, she oso noe i got many sch stuffs, etc to do... she said so herself. yet she so sensitive tt i nvr entertain her. esp when it's unimportant issues... & nw, give me more task to try turn everything round to min her fr thinkin negatively or unhappily.

think sooner or ltr, i really can get d best actress award le. provided i don go haywire myself...

so any takers to have such interpersonal skills? it's really FOC. it's highly recommended for your future endeavour...


*pardon me... i think i 走火入魔 w 2 biz related modules for this sem... tt's y came out w idea of puttin an 'advertisment'... lol...

d truth tt always hurt...

i duno m i dumb or wat... i noe d truth will hurt yet i wanna noe d truth... but i don wanna 'die' w/o knowin hw i'm being 'killed'...

jus nw, in class, my friend called but i was in class. called back durin my break & sort of fixed to meet him to pass him my medical receipt tml mornin. his mom said she might go too & would not tell my mum. made me puzzled... she was d friend whom my mum always chat w over d phone.

anw, when she said tt she wont tell my mum, i suspect something is not right. in d end, she called me personally to explain y she wont tell mum. it's cos she not cfm if she would b taggin along tml mornin so my mum wont feel so much like gg too.

but... she added on to say she oso got something to tell me. i noe it wont b anything gd but i press on though my class started. i don wanna drag. don wanna delay. i need truth.

d truth become, 我记仇, i don care for mum, i keep secret, i don wanna tok to mum, i ignore her when she tok to me, i don hold her hand...

记仇? i tot cos i keep counterin dad over d overeatin or about makin him see d plan more carefully, etc cos all these r v recent. guess wat... it's old issue bout hw my mum will beat me when i young. i use tt to scare my cousins when they naughty, or eat slow, etc... of course oso w hint to show hw fierce mum was in d past & y i so scare of her then. but recently i nvr say le wor... -.-''' i didn't noe mum take it to heart so much & nw become i 记仇... if i 记仇, den i wld ve totally ignore her le lah...

& when did i not care for her. she always used a full day when cousins nvr come to do many many things till her backache. i rub for her cos she said dad used lots of strength. i always reminded her to split d hsework. cny period & aft tt she sorethroat, i keep remindin her not to eat d cny goodies, & even check if she ok when she ate d roti prata but tt day she ignore me... so when did i not care for her?
unless she tok bout me not concern bout d issue bout an aunt & grandma. but i cant asked her on tt. cos mum will get v agitated & mad & i ended up being her 出气筒... so to prevent her fr gettin angry, i don ask loh.

bout keepin secret, i guess it's due to me gg see doc for my hip w/o wantin to tell them but i noe if i tell them, they will think it's serious & worry more which was d truth. she found out, she bug me, i tell her d truth, she don believed, she cant get d 'truth' she wanted, she told dad, dad bug me, oso d same 'truth' & today, went to clinic w/o lettin her noe & say i chased her back.
but in d 1st place, she jus go thr to make appt for dad for next mon. so it's not her plan to stay thr for long so i told her tt she can go back 1st to do her things. in d end, become i 'chased' her back. but i let her stay eventually wor... oso i noe their reaction so hw can i tell them 1st...

& me not tokin to her & ignoring her? well, she always repeat same thing to me or would tell me unnecessary thing like cousin need buy book, etc. so either i jus listen & nod my head or i would asked her to tell my aunt instead if they need buy anything or wld tell her tt she had already say b4 what she was tellin me at tt pt. she oso told tt auntie tt i was doin work when she came in to tok to me. so wat's d big deal? it wasn't d 1st time? it's since long long time ago even yrs back.

& not holdin her hand is another weird reason... nwadays, seldom go out. w all d proj, assignment, etc, hw to go out. i only hold her hand when shoppin w her while dad walk ard by his own. but since nvr go out w her, hw to hold her hands la. if go out will be jus for dinner & dad's oso ard & she wld hold dad's hand. mayb she jealous i hold dear's hand but not hers but she got dad's.

she oso said i 不耐烦 to tok to them but like i said, she got say me tt day when they bug me for d 'truth' of me seein doc. but i got said it's cos i told them d truth but they don believed. & she oso always bugged me if i ate yet, i wanna eat or not, she nvr buy for me, etc. i hw old le? will i go hungry? i may not ve much $$ left, but i not so poor. i can still afford a decent meal & i can cook oso. so hw can i go hungry.
it's oso cos she always so unpredictable so it's oso hard to tell whether i eatin or not... & she's d one who said i seemed to be gg dear's place on mon to wed & i go grandma's hse on thurs & fri & dear would come my place on weekend if he free & not workin & said she wan weekend cos longer hrs & said she 赚到 cos we spend longer hr w her. yet nw she unhappy... i really don understand her...

she said me & dad always ea 1 kind of face ea & she in difficult position. said i always tok 大小声 to dad. i think she show more black face loh... & i seldom really tok to dad oso wor... she even said she wanna run away fr hm. say don think she got no place to go. -.-''' if she wanna run away fr hm, den wat bout me? i think i may s well die le... i always try to escape to d lib, escape by findin job (oso get paid)...

anw, wat she said again, all d blames, etc was all fallen back to me. anw, d main reason prob cos she was scare of loneliness which is causin her to go haywire & tt makes me go nuts too... i cant possibly stay w her 24/7. i got class & in future, i wld work. i can't possibly bring her to sch & work wat.
ya. her friend's son did bring his mum out at times when he go work, etc. but he could drop her somewhr to shop while he go & meet his client & pick her aft tt. our job nature is diff loh. workin in lab, if worst, i might ot till late oso wor... or even weekend or PH oso gotta work, it's all possible one leh...

d ~15 min conversation was enough to pull me down to d valley. but i still ok. but i hope no more heart attack. or i don think i can take it. more proj, lab reports, presentation, tutorial due & exams coming. i don wanna got too down tt i lost interest in everything again. if eveything cont'd, i scare i get depression or anxiety b4 mum actually get hers due to her negative thinking... cos i noe i got a history to attempt to drink shampoo but i dare not really do so but diluted it till probably thousands or million of times. i noe i'm not v stable myself but wat can i do?

mayb i shld forgo sleep & tok to mum & work till next day. den i shall b a walkin zombie. but i doubt i can go beyond 2 weeks & i sure passed out... do i have to go to tt extend? i alrdy brought textbook & notes even to the clinic & read while i wait. i alrdy studied in bus while gg dance trg. wat else can i do?

report back w not gd results

report out. went to collect. doc no charge consultation fee today. so FOC. anw, results not tt gd. need go specialist for further test.

& realized d doc so popular.
clinic open at 8.30 am.
doc come at 9 am.
i reach 8.05 am. was 2nd in queue & duno b4 hw many blood test appt.
b4 clinic open, alrdy got 10 ppl queuein.
by 9.05 am, d clinic assistant go flip d tag to 'closed' & stick scotch tape over to prevent ppl fr turnin over. those who come in ltr gotta take queue no for afternoon alrdy. wow... doc jus see 1st patient, clinic alrdy over-crowded & closed...

initially i tot of gg aft my tutorial class sicne it's jus an hr class. luckily i nvr. jus imagine i make my way over yet it's 'closed'...


anw, my radiological report (in words):

Clinical history: Suspected avascular necrosis.

Findings:
The hop joint is normal in alignment. There is minimal sclerosis and small subchondral cysts at the superior acetabular margin. The visualized bones are of normal density. There is no evidence of a bony injury. The periarticular soft tissues are normal/

Impression: Minimal sclerosis and small subchondral cysts at the superior acetabular margin. Recommend clinical correlation.


& a referral letter to Raffles Hospital to consult a consultant orthopaedic surgeon:
'Thank you for seeing HS who is a xx/Ch/F who got right hip pain in ... >10 years. worse on exertion & dancing. Previously practised wushu. Chronically pain of obstruction & rotation. X Ray right hip sclerosis & small subchondral cysts on superior acetabular margin."

doc fixed an appt for me on comin tue afternoon which disrupt my initial plans for tt day.


haiz... gotta keep fingers crossed for nw...

mum found out i go see doc on tue & parents bugged me till i sian cos they don believed i no pain. jus nw wanna go secretly to collect report den tell them d outcome ltr, in d end, mum happened to go clinic oso to help dad fixed an appt for blood test on mon.

suay... so she noe i need to see specialist. so she worried. i noe this will happen. cant blame her la. but she keep buggin me. disruptin my plan oso. actually this specialist thingy alrdy disrupt my plan for tt day. plus her decision make my plan go haywire... sighed... shall see hw again...

tired

1 word to describe me nw... flat... thks to my sotong-ness...

ytd, dear sent me back & i left a paperbag in his car. d worst thing is inside d paperbag, thr is my ext hdd which is 1 of d things he cant bring to work...

i only realized aft 12 midnight & he alrdy went to bed cos he workin 5.30 am today & gotta wake up at 4.15 am to get breakfast b4 headin to work. if i ve access to his car, i wld ve taken my dad's car & go & take out but i don.

left him a sms & left him fb msg but still scare he missed it or see d sms too late. & i got tendency to oversleep if he gotta wake up earlier than me. thus, i set up 6 alarm 'clocks'. 1 newer alarm clock, 1 digital alarm clock which had to be tied together w rubberband s i dropped it before, my phone in my room, my hp, my countdown timer, my > a decade old baby G. & on my hp, i set up many alarm times.

guess i was scare i overslept so i end up nvr slept well so nw i v v flat. duno hw to survive 7 hr of lesson straight ltr... but if i fallin aslp in class, den no pt stayin. shall see hw. if so & thr is video lecture, i shall go back & nap instead.

anw, serve me right but i hope i didn't make him rush or end up late for work & get punishment. otherwise i'll feel even worst.

I'M TRULY SORRY!!!!

it will be d last time cos i learnt my lesson. nvr put such items in paperbag or so & left it somewhr in his car. i'll make sure such items r always in my bag which i would nvr forget to bring back home. sorry...

funny tutor

aft 'skippin' 2 tutorials for marketin, today went back for class. skip not cos i wanna skip but due to d hidden lab timetable session.

anw, back in class, our tutor v funny. told us tt she had a piece of gd news. in d end, she announce to whole class tt she pregnant. but she alrdy knew of it on xmas eve. yet nw den tell us her gd news.

our tutor looks v young & shld b able to camoflague in d class so we nvr expect tt she was married. tot her gd news means gettin married but was more. a new life. she tot we suspected s she said we can see. only den i notice her tummy & she really turn to her side, press 1 hand on her tummy & another on her back to show us. lol...

she even told us tt it's accidental cos it's not within her plan yet. but she said something like 'since 'this guy' (pointing 2 fingers fr both hands to her tummy) came & she knew it on xmas eve, she believed it was a gift fr god'. i was shock at hw she describe her baby by saying 'this guy'.

she also said she was not ready & prep to be 'someone's mum'. ya. 'someone's mum' was hw she said too. lol... she said she likes to look at 'blink blink aka accessories', etc but nw she gotta change her lifestyle. oso do away w/o heels, etc.

she oso tell us tt she was unlike many others who got mornin sickness, feeling tired yet. hers was v normal & she still feel energetic. & due to tt, previous tut, she still climb on d table & her husband happened to see when he came to pick her. thus, she got scolded by her husband & he treatened to call parents of ... both of them. there was a pause in btw tt i tot he wanted to call all studnets' parents. cos we r innocent. hw we noe she pregnant la.

anw, she said tt by d next tutorial in 2 weeks fr nw, she might b able to tell us her baby's gender. tt means she might be 4 - 5 mths pregnant. & she really can still walk fast. i think i more scare for her when she navigate speedly thru d tables & chairs to rush to go to the washrm & back. no wonder her husband scolded her tt day.

see doc for my hip

went to seek d 6th medical advice for my hip prob today aft draggin for yrs...

1st, chinese physician jus say nvr warm up properly (> a decade ago)
2nd or 3rd, fr Ma Kuang Clinic but tt one oso no used one lah
3rd or 2nd, think is a doc fr westpt hospital who ended up sayin i hernia
4th, chinese physician who say it's ligament not hernia
5th, chinese physician oso say ligament

today is d 6th, my family doc who ask me lie down & twist twist my leg & hit my knee & say most likely ligament but wanted to cfm oso not due to other reasons like blockage of blood vessel, etc. so he asked go get an x-ray. on x-ray it say some diagnosis like possible necrosis of dunno whr... wow...

anw, he said by right if rest long while shld recover but my case had been comin back. by right durin d 5 yrs break b4 i join dance gp, shld alrdy recover le. unless i injured it again. mayb when i go back to get x-ray results, shld ask if tt's possible. if so, den mayb true cos aft tt, nvr really rest long.

he gave me pain killer again & muscle relaxant. i doubt i would take cos nw, not causin much of discomfort. except it hinder me during my training. but nw, i oso cant train... cos advice me to jus do minor stretchin only & no exercise. not even run. :( shall see wat advcie i'll get again after i get my result ba... sighed...

hp almost no batt

hp almost flat today... ytd saw full bar so nvr charge. dis mornin minus 1 bar.

to keep myself fr fallin aslp in class, play solitaire fr my hp + chat w friend via sms + ask gpmate bout project submission + colleague ask my schedule & my chief fr my dance gp called me.

nvr pick up her call oso cos scare batt flat den i mati if my parents unable to contact me. but i inform her my hp low batt... fast right? mornin only minus 1 bar. late afternoon, left 1 bar.

lucky for me cos mum really called me. askin me whether i eatin or not & say hm got dinner. she v unpredictable one wor... when not happy, can ignore me. otherwise will call & ask so nicely... gd for me lah. anw, if she nvr, i'll call back check & go buy if necessary...

shld i or shld i not?

shld i or shld i not?

my hip cos my trg to b affected but nw it seemed alright again... hw to explain to d doc if i go see him? haiz... wat shld i do lah? i oso cant possibly wait till serious prob den go see doc right?

will b missing d june 2010 concert...

today i v blur... go trg but nvr bring wallet out so meanin no ez-link card. since no wallet, oso means no $$ so i oso cant go trg... luckily figured out almost half-way to bus stop. if i reached bus-stop alrdy, i think i would give up & go back le. cos i will take at least 10 min to reach bus stop by walkin. jus imagine, walking back hm & den out again. at least 30 mins of walkin + i'll b v late. so sotong of me...

anw, when trg endin, noe tt thr is a concert aka performance in 1st wk of june. actually, last week hear of it but jus noe june. i tot i heard wrong but today, noe tt thr is & it's 1st wk of june & i not in sg. sighed... i really wished i could participate... this might b d last time i performin s a Sunflower dance emsemble gp member cos this is my 5th yr in d gp & usually members only have a lifespan of 5 yrs in d gp.

time passed... i rmbr when i was a greenhorn. tt time i was workin. lesser stress. i really worked hard then & could practice on my own or even draw out d dance steps to rmbr better. but since i go back to sch, i don ve such luxury. i could feel i slackin away but i would always do d best i can for every performance. since i got d uni admission letter, i always treat every performance i got s d last cos by right d gp is meant for workin young women. but i always regret not able to put in more effort for all performances i was given d opportunities to participate.

my last performance was also ages ago. it was in nov 2008, days aft my exams. last yr i got an opportunities but i give up due to tight exam schedule. this time, i had to give up again due to my trip. i noe i may not b able to put in effort till aft may but aft tt, i shld b able to. if aft tt, i'm unsure. cos usually graduation is durin d gp anniversay which is in sep. & durin aug till sep, my sch would start alrdy so even if thr is project, i duno if i could take. sighed...

anw, i do think if thr is possibility to extend in d gp like some seniors... but if i'm given d opportunities, i don think i may cont'd. for a couple of reasons... esp my right hip's ligament injury & my last lap of my studies. i noe i will feel sad to leave but tt's part & parcels of life. tt's y i really wish i could perform s a big gp s all shld b involved in d june concert but i cant.

thr is really nothin much i can do bout tt anw, since d trip was booked b4 i noe of such performance. d only thing tt it can give me is to rest my hip & not over exertin it & to put more focus on my upcomin exams...

talkin bout my leg, i seriously shld find a day go see doc le. i really cant twist & turn it & to sweep it from down to up to side den back & down. it oso got no strength. i cant jump much. my back oso feel like being pulled & tightened. my chief said mayb i need physiotherapy. i not sure but cant eliminate d possibility.

mayb i shld go to my GP but i duno when his workin day cos some other locum seemed to jus hear u say say & cant advice much one... but i cant possible ask mum of his schedule. didn't want her to worry cos my hip not to d extend of hinderin my usual tasks. all i need is a gd advice to noe what is exactly wrong w my leg & wat i can do to make it better & not make it worst. wonder if tml nite or tue mornin is d doc... mayb call up d clinic tml mornin ba. can only hope no need go see specialist or do physio ba.

i was a sufferer of injury due to exercise & dear oso had history of sprained ankles & today, he went for a soccer session & he said his ankles still weak & almost sprain it again. i can fully understand & can only keep 'nagged' at him to be careful. sry if i'd been naggy cos i really suffered all these years esp since i decided to join d dance gp. thr had been long period of times tt i cant even stand upright & walk properly. for this i'm scare. i'm scare i cant walk in future.

yet, i noe i shld not do so but due to this injury, i'd been takin stronger pain killer & pushed myself to d max durin actual day of performances. this is so tt i can really do my best but i puttin myself in d risk of irreverisble injuries. i'm glad i made it thru so far.

i only hope i'd not been overstrainin other parts to try avoid injuring d actual part durin normal trg oso. cos nw, i can really feel even my right lower back suffer durin trg or when i walk too fast. so i dare not push myself further nw. but if i'd been in d comin performance, i wld push on again cos i oso wont wanna drag d whole gp down. so i guess it can be a blessin for me to avoid d concert. but avoidin this way is not a right mtd. i must find out d root of d cause. so no matter wat, i think i shld really visit my GP.

anw, i oso always advice my friends in d gp to really take care of themselves cos i noe hw bad it can be & hw it can hinder their 'growth' in d gp. i don wan other ppl to suffer like me. esp when my pain receptors is really over-reactive cos i seemed to b able to feel other ppl's pain on myself.

work plan disrupted...

all thks to my sch assignment... disrupt my plan to work to max out d last few 10 hrs/wk of work... if i had know earlier... i could plan better...

i'll only b workin till 31 mar so not tt much left & i wanna earn & max out s much s possible b4 i'll b really survivin on my savings for prob d next 15 mth if i can... sighed... i wish i could strike 4d or toto... tt's if i buy... :(

wat is wrong w me?

at times, i cant help but think & wonder if thr is a prob w me, myself. hw come i keep steppin on parents's tails esp w/o knowin y?

wat is exactly wrong? wat did i do wrong? is it i didn't deal w everything well enough? is it tt actually everything is not under my ctrl actually but it seemed to me tt it is? is thr prob w my pt of view? is thr better ways to manage everything? wat else can i do or shld i do? is everything backfire on myself? m i askin for too much?

i'd alrdy avoid touchy topics tt might agitate mum. or she think i not concern cos i nvr ask? but when she get agitated, she'll get jumpy oso. her mood swing is really suckin all my happiness away...

ya. i did say i don wanna get affected by her but it's easier said than done. in sch today, was still alright. w work & classes & proj discussions but when it all come to an end, & when i wanna cfm dinner, it was all a dread for me.

mum went out w/o tellin me like usual. i called her & told her aunt wanna eat dinner tml at grandma's hse but she was impatient so i ended up nvr tell her i gg back for dinner today. when class end at 5.10, called hm but she was havin her shower. called 30 min ltr no one pick up phone. call when almost reach hm oso no one pick up.

i was really thinkin hard wat i shld do.

at times, she may cook extra so i wld still be able to eat. so i shld go back straight to see.

at times, she don cook extra so i no dinner & if she haven eat, she may unhappy forced me eat her portion so by right i shld buy back.

at times, she nvr cook & b back late so i shld either buy back or cook myself. i'll prefer cook cos i duno wat to buy. jus put egg or so to steam while rice cook will do for me. easily settle & soon after showerin, etc can eat le.

but if i buy back & she cooked extra, she'll sure b angry. so i buy back oso cannot, i don buy back oso cannot. den hw? anw, luckily today when i got hm, she was not in & nvr cook so i'm safe for nw.

i think i wanna tell her alrdy tt no matter wat, mon to wed, don cook mine. if i come hm early, i'll go tabao. wish to take d trouble to save another trouble.

s for thurs & fri is eating at grandma's hse but this sem fri i cant cos lesson end late. think this thurs of this mth i oso wont go over. in case i need to use d comp for my proj, reports & presentation. at most i tabao back oso loh... anw, take this opportunites to avoid her for time being cos i duno when i might step on her tail w/o knowing again...

cos of this mood swings, i most of my time dread to go back hm leh. was draggin my feet back jus nw & yet aft tabao-in, i still reach hm by 6.30.

wat is wrong w me? can anyone tell me wat wrong did i do? can anyone advice me wat can i do to avoid all these? can someone b kind enough to jus scold me & say out wat mistakes i made? i'm serious in wantin to get this situation better... cos thr is no pt hiddin & avoidin forever. no matter whr i can hide to, d prob will always be thr unless i solved it. so is thr any kind soul to jus scold me & wake me up? i'll b thankful to u...

wat do mum's wan?

WTH... did i stepped on mum's tail early this mornin? i noe she v cranky cos of her mense... but can she face reality? not only she will feel d discomfort & she'd it for like hw long? at least 3 decade & more loh...

life still have to go on... do she ve to be like tt esp durin these few days? i nvr even do anything. she has to get used to it. don tell me if every gal like tt & workin & every mth cos of this discomfort, gotta take leaves? d leaves oso won b enough. face it... i oso can get d discomfort. i oso may end up takin panadol when i cant tahan. but i still go sch, still go work, etc.

today she jus go out w/o tellin me when usually she will tell me one. so i nvr even get d chance to tell her tt aunt reply me say she'll eat at grandma's hse tml.

i ended up callin mum but she nvr pick up 1st time. i tot she might call back but she nvr so i call again like almost 10 mins ltr. actually, i do ve d urge to keep callin non-stop till her hp burst to show her hw irritatin it'll get. but i decided not to do so. i do tt will jus make me mafan only.

anw, when she picked up on 2nd call, told her but she seemed impatient & wanna hang up immediately. usually b4 she go out, she would also asked if dear workin till late & if i'll b eatin but today, i got no chance to tell her at all even aft i called her. fine... at most i go tabao back or go back cook bit of rice loh...

mayb i shld tabao... or ltr she duno will angry if i go back & she nvr cook mine... & den made me eat her portion den she not happy. wat she really wan lah...

so much for d peace i got temp aft 'solvin' d travel plan. peace jus lasted 1 day? anw, i'm tryin not to b affected by her mood swing anymore. i must learn to b more hard-hearted. if don talk, don talk loh. or i'll always get upset by her. i wanna live happily & not sadly...

wat shld i do for my leg injury?

wondered if i strain other parts of my leg & back to avoid injurin my hip...

recently cant really walk fast fast esp today cos will feel slight pain & discomfort. d pain & position is pretty much diff fr d old injury.

anw, d old injury make me cant twist my right leg much. den d it oso no strength. ytd trg was tough for me.

w d twistin of leg, i can do on my right leg though i can support myself on my left leg. when change direction, i can twist my left leg but cant support on my right leg. haiz... made me keep thinkin if i shld really see doc but whr?

but i jus hope ytd trg didn't cos me d discomfort. basically, i jus need to noe & get advice on wat i can do & not for exercise. tt's all i need. tt's y wish to see doc... but d discomfort is not causin inconvenience for me... wat shld i do?

jus make up ur mind la

nw, behind dad's back, mum said put on hold. don call agency 1st. she talk to dad again. argh.........

can both of u jus make up ur mind & tell me exactly wat u wan? don fickle minded & hide wat u really wan can or not!!! hypocryte...

best actress award

d toughest thing is to fake s if nothing happened... & treat them normally to avoid more troubles... tt is if i don get too emo... mayb i can get d best actress award for tt...

they v lihai, can drained me & squeeze me dry jus 1 wk aft term starts. i wish i could don go sch again. actually, i don mind go sch but if thr is not test, no proj, no reports, no presentations, no exams, den it'll b gd.

i'm v angry, v pissed off, v fed up, v sad, v upset...

hw many times do i ve to go thru this? i shld ve 学乖 aft though not tt many overseas trips...

i'm suddenly not look forward to d HK trip in june. all thks to u noe who... i'm so angry... so pissed off... so fed up.... so upset... so sad... y? y do they ve to do this?

they say wanna go HK. mum said wanna bring cousin & she likes to go disney. i object to bring her oso no use. forget it. mum oso suggest disney tt time. today, when dad list out d no of days for d trip & eliminate d days for disney, i said tt is not i wan one but they wan. mum said she nvr say... i really wanna faint on d spot...

d trip was 6d5n. 1d at disney, 1d macau, 1d shenzhen, 1/2d city tour, 1/2 a day gone to travel to HK, almost another 1/2 day gone to travel back to airport... so don ve much time left...

they still wanna follow our friend's itinerary say shenzhen 1d not enough. so ask us to find out if can extend a nite at shen zhen which i don see d pt. parents say v rush jus go shen zhen 1d. but she oso say nite time more to walk. so y stay 1 nite thr? next day 12 we still gotta check out. so wat can they do thr in mornin?

if get transfer by travel agency, sure more exp. if transfer by their 'MRT', sure v mafan & they sure grumble. i got my friend's itinerary & noe they go thr 3d2n but parents insist is 2d1n. so do they mean they wan extend another 2n at shen zhen?

wat they heard is shen zhen sell cheaper than HK. den they jus go shen zhen la. i understand tt they wanna utilize d time thr & since thr, go s many places s possible. but i can say even 8d7n go both HK & Shen Zhen oso not enough one lah. unless they stay thr for mayb 1/2 a yr?

d thing i really mad & angry is tt they ask us plan. yet they do this again. history repeat all over itself when i did more intensive research nw in findin detail map, in finding places to shop, etc. d transfer, etc. I DON WANNA PLAN AGAIN. I DON WANNA GO HOLI W THEM AGAIN!!! jus gonna b 2nd trip & dear alrdy reach max. said wont go w them again.

i can say i sch busy. for attachment, for FYP, & den for work. but... tt means if dear/friends wanna go overseas or wat, i cant go oso. cos i suppose to b 'busy'. but i really don wanna go w them... nvr again... hw... if i go w them, i don noe hw can i cope... i really donno... cos i definitely no whr to go but stick w them for those days esp if i alone w them.

i was alrdy angry w them for pushin away d disney idea, & den addin in more stun. durin dinner, saw d soup only left 1 prawn & dad likes prawn so i jus say i don wan tt bowl of soup & took d prawn to dad's bowl & say i don wanna eat so many seafood oso cos of my allergy. but main reason is dad (but i keep hush bout tt). in d end, mum say i 没胆. cannot b scared...

i wanna blurt out & say if i 没胆,
i wont go play in d sea water since sec sch d beach even though parents don allow,
i wont learn cyclin behind their back,
i wont go kayakin out to d sea when i don noe hw to swim,
i wont sneak to wild wild wet yrs ago when i don noe hw to swim at all,
i wont lie & get d chance to stay o/n w friends in d hotel aft my poly d&d
i wont ve d intention to go to d pub, etc durin d nite stay at d hotel
i wont go try pick up swimmin w my friends ignorin my parents' concern,
i wont join d dance gp i'm in nw & performed in front of many ppl,
i wont take up d role s my friend's weddin banquet emcee,
i wont go try roller blading w my friends,
etc

thr r many many things they don noe bout me. & i'm sure thr r many things i would like to try & if i don try nw, when do i? when i old? can they jus face it? i'm no longer a kid. can they don instill their thinkin & treat it s mine?

tt's not all d blow today. they ordered 3 dishes + 1 soup + 30 satay today for dinner. i stopped when i full & oso remind dear not to force cos dad keep askin him to 'help clear'. dad comment say i not cannot squeeze but i don wanna squeeze. say i capable of eatin many. if yrs back, i agree but not nw. told him tt i went buffet w friends mths ago & i end up v bloated & uncomfortable & end up takin med. told him, if he wan, i force in & asked d med fr him. he said eat & squeeze 1 or 2 more time wont pain le. -.-'''

oso told them tt dear tt time, end up vomittin & stomachache for whole nite & even vomit again in middle of d nite till his mum questioned me wat he ate. bout dear, i alrdy told mum cos dad always keep askin dear to 'help' clear d food but mum seemed to forget or choose to forget. guess wat, he said d same thing by saying squeeze 1 or 2 more time b ok le. he oso said if dear's mum asked, he'll say his mom nvr let him eat much. told him not so cos his mum always cook alot & cant finish. his reply was, d food not to dear's liking. -.-''' so i ended up sayin tt at least his mom nvr forced us to eat & ltr his mom forbid him come eat w us. mum said it's ok. at most she & my dad eat tgt loh.

so aft d trip issue, & me 没胆 + wanna forced us eat when we cant, i was v v v angry & upset alrdy. dear by my side & tryin to comfort me actually made me more emo cos i can see tt he care but my saddness overwhelm me. & tt's not all.

neighbout bout fried oyster egg for us. parents asked us share. we ate 1st & they said still many so i said if cant finish, jus throw. they say i nvr eat so i said i did cos i really do. i say i cant squeeze anymore or ltr i too bloated. dad got angry. say i nvr eat yet keep sayin stomachache. of course i angry. 1 noe my reply v harsh. i said, 'ok. next time divide into 4. if i can finish i finish. if not i throw my portion.' i don understand cos if dad overeat, he oso stomach pain. y he like tt? of all ppl, he shld understand better... yet...

2 days ago, he said i v free one when mum wanted a photo for her hp wallpaper. d photo in dad's hp. so cant he jus sent it over? mum said i busy but dad keep insistin tt i v free. shoot him back & asked him to study himself. told him i still got many projects, reports, presentation on hand. ytd oso shoot him back when he say me again. say i teach mum to play sudoko but not him. so i shoot him back even fr my rm when he's in d living rm. ask him y he keep sayin me. mum only noe hw to laugh.

w d consecutive blow of attacks within hrs, i really cannot take it. my eyes keep gettin wet & i had to fight back to hold back my tears but dear's comfort only make d tears flow more uncontrollably tt i ran to d bathrm a couple of times. he said, 'dear, don sad sad, boy boy stay w you', 'dear, hw can i make you not so sad?', etc etc...

dear must ve seen my red eyes tt jus aft he left, he sms & asked me not to cry though i didn't cry in front of him. seein d sms, made my tears flow again tt i dash off to d bathrm for a shower cum a cry out session. even go to d last resort to fill up d basin & dip my face into d water. it's amazin hw it help me after a few tries. i calm down more. but dear's worries bout me do make me feel emo again when he asked if i ok & said he worried & said he will stand by me.

since late afternoon, i kanna headache again. at 1st, dad was nappin, so i took d chance to nap s well, when it rained, i closed d window & soon aft dad woke up, i dare not sleep le. & even when i got d headache, i oso nvr dare slp. den they came out w all tt. can they b more reasonable? i can really exhange everything i ve, my phone, etc. i can slp on d hard floor. i jus wan them to b reasonable. m i askin for too much?

Dear, Thanks!

dis mornin, i duno if i really itchy mouth or really cos of my stomach upset. jus 2 sip of kopi-o & soon stomach started to churn. & didn't wanna tell mum or she worry so i try to walk faster aft alightin fr dad's car aft breakfast but she walk slow.... sighed... aft tt i took charcoal pill again & dug out a few pkt of d lacteol fort. & luckily aft tt felt better & ok since... *keepin fingers crossed* but i avoid chilli for my chicken rice lunch cos chicken rice oso pretty oily le.

anw, d main thing i wanna say is tt i today oso quite suay... dropped my hp in water again. ya. hp went swimmin again. almost a yr since this happened. last yr was april, durin my exam period. nw is mar. haiz... & it happened jus b4 i need to go sch...

i quickly dismantle & try to dry it as much as possible & swop my sim card into my mum's old hp w/o d clear button. guess wat... it need to set up & i by accident click bahasa indonesia... -.-''' totally cant understand. not quite la. but w my limited vocab, i oso cant change back language.

i assume bahasa is language but when i click tt, thr were 2 options rather than a whole list of d diff types of languages... so i really cant find out. d last time i use d phone was so long ago tt i forgot hw to lock it. w d foreign language, i cant find my sim contacts. i cant really type sms. i cant send cos i donno my friend's contact.

in d end, rmbr tt dear's took malay class b4 & he had a malay-english translation dictionary in his shelf. so decided to go to his house since he was already on his way back. so i sort of got no choice but to skip class oso in case i need to send my hp for servicing. but i unsure. cos warranty over. last time, they changed d 'main board' which cost like $300+ but under warranty so no need pay. if really spoilt & gotta pay tt much i really duno wat to do. tt price can get a decent new hp le. but this phone is bought by dad. so ltr he ask hw...

anw, think d phone is ok but thr r condensation in my camera lens so i decided to let it dry o/n. hope really ok. *fingers crossed*

but i must really THANK DEAR. he jus finish work & was on d way hm & was near hm but he came over to pick me knowing the trouble i'd gotten myself in. & he really listen to me & drove back to his place but realized tt i actually jus wanna used his dictionary, he helped me see & changed back d language at his lift lobby. he den saw tt thr is still time for me to go for lesson, he nvr even go up to change fr his uniform & he u-turn back to his car & sent me to sch. & he picked me up again after my class again.

Dear, THANKS!!!

recently, when i was so down tt i went to west coast to chill, he oso went to pick me up aft work. tt period of time, he would try to accompany me if he was not workin. actually, he would try to do so all d time. but at least he understood my plight. Thanks!

Say NO to affairs...

recently thr had been too much scam... previously tiger wood, ... till nw jack neo, a 'celebrities' so near to us.

jus saw d video of d press conference he held w his wife. i'm really tongue-tighted... i donno wat i shld say bout his wife. did she really forgive him or is it jus another act? if she really forgive him, wat really makes her have such a big heart?

if it's me, wat would i do? i wont ve such a big heart to forgive & forget d hurt tt will incur to me. even if i got kid(s) & no matter hw young d child(ren) is/are. i wont stay w such husband. NEVER. cos who noes when he'll go haywire again? + he would be a bad example for d kid(s). furthermore, i may not get a gd qualification but i wont go hungry. i have d ability to take care of myself & even kid(s). i'll make sure he would nvr get d chance to find me & disturb my future life.

ya. i may sound too harsh but s a modern woman, we do ve a ability to look aft ourselve & need not depend on the husband. so we must fight for our rights & nvr get bullied by ur other halves...

anw, i can be nice & sweet & yet d opposite dependin on hw i'm treated. like a friend said in her blog. i agreed totally w wat she said:

"...No matter what age the other party is, extra marital affair cannot be condone... An affair is an affair, and the age doesn’t matter. ... And guys who are rich or relatively well off, the multiple zeros in your bank account doesn’t give you the right to fool around. If money means a guy can have mistresses, then I rather be the wife of a poor man. At least, if my husband is mine and mine alone, then I can be counted as the richest lady in the world."

stomach upset...

1 word to describe me... 'sian'...

ytd mornin a while aft breakfast, kanna stomachache. stomach lots of wind. still churnin when i reach d LT for my test. so i ended up takin charcoal pill. was ok in d afternoon till... nw... i tot was ok le. but a while ago, it came back again. sighed...

do i really ve to take pills every week? i hope i get better. cos early tml mornin got test at 8.30. haiz...

actually 2 nite ago, when i slpin, in middle of d nite, i suddenly cough & feel like vomittin but was ok after tt. mayb since tt nite, stomach alrdy unwell. shall avoid d kopi-o tml cos i oso cant drink too much one. jus hope let me get thru tml test... let me feel ok at least btw 8 to 9.30 tml...

picnic at work...

a sweet treat fr colleagues who cant tahan me... & ignoring me & gg to get d pastry fr soemwhr despite me saying, i no need d cake... i think if i really work thr, can really gain weight... sometimes, buffet oso... lol...

jus nw, colleagues said they forgot get d cake for me & asked if i wan so they go take. i alrdy ate sandwich so i full le. don wanna snack so i decline their kind offer. in d end, my colleague v funny... try all means to try tempt me. say d cake v nice. i must try. it's worth d try, etc... lol... so funny... in d end, i thks her but told her tt it will nvr tempt me cos i not 'chan zui' & i don snack & she pretty sad sad. she gave up in d end but said she don care, will go get for me & 'drop' tt 2 on d table in front of me...

i kept aside since i don feel like snackin 'yet' & when she saw, she suddenly asked if i wanna wait for it to get mouldy. i 'jumped' cos i was trying to find out some name & got too engross. so i gotta tell her not to 'pound on me' anymore cos when i engross, i'll get 'scared' easily... lol...

anw, she made me finished up tt 2 piece of cakes. luckily not v big. or i gotta die being too too full. but she gave me another piece soon aft i finished. they even wanna gave me coffee/tea/lemon tea. lol... i oso wonder if i go thr work or go thr picnic...

anw, aft all d commotion tt ppl keep thinkin i 'jian fei'... w such nice colleagues, hw to? plus will some one on diet go eat mac, kfc, etc... so i really don understand y ppl keep thinkin i 'jian fei' actually, i do eat slightly more than previous le leh. at least i can try finished up a bowl of rice (normal portion) if i want to but i'll b pretty bloated le.

but i cant admit d fact tt my weight was lesser than b4. mayb 3-5 kg diff back on d inaccurate bathrm scale i got at hm. but d prob is all d pants i bought long long time ago (in poly) & those i bought throughout d yrs r still wearable.

y i cant recall...

aft all d summarizin work & studyin & gp-in certain name & associate w d drug class, i got confused... i noe tt d drugs r agonist or antagonist yet i cant rmbr exactly which pg of my summary or top or bottom part... i'm so mad at myself... my summary list does help but i cant recall... i blank thr... baka baka baka...

anw, 1 down & 1 more test to go... den tests b over. den focus on projects, reports, etc... all d nvr ending task... gambatte!!!

pharmacology

studyin for pharmacology is crazy. all d drugs names, class, etc...

my friend's comment in fb: Hmm.. I was wondering how the pharmacists & doctors remember all the drugs' names & classes... 佩服!!!

today went to d dentist & he had a chat w me b4 he began his work. he said tt actually clinician/doc, etc don need to noe d literature behind d drugs. tt's job of researchers or future researchers... accordin to d dentist, they (he was referrin to doc) don even need to read up d literature of d drug. most of d time, they don even understand wat d paper was saying. oopss...

they jus wanna noe if d drug is safe, wat it's meant for & wat r d side effects or contraindications. tt reminds me of hw 'limited' d no of drugs in d clinic unlike d whole list of drugs we needs to rmbr. doc jus see which is d best drugs & get those & prescript to patients.

guess if i managed to memorize all d drugs & wat they target & whr, i guess next time, if sick, i can jus go to d clinic, see doc & asked for this or tt med... no need doc to prescript le. jus need d doc signature. lol...

life is really precious

life is really v precious...

within 24 hr fr ytd afternoon till dis mornin, saw 3 accidents. i donno hw serious they r but d 1st i saw ytd was tt car hit to d traffic light tt even d traffic light spoilt... is it purely accident or due to human error (tiredness/judgement fault/thrill)? i donno.

i think d most upset ppl r their families/loves ones/friends s they will b worry sick hearin d truth. if jus injury, wounds may heal but d wounds incurred deep in those who care for them r hard to heal. prob it can diffused off to a min lvl but wat if death resulted? sighed...

anw, back to sch. term break over. back to serious biz... so far so gd for today. oso enjoyed d short discussion today. actually i don mind stayin w d fun but got lecture to go but lecture ended early.

on way back, it rained heavily. durin d lrt journey home, i was balancin myself & supportin me fr fallin w my hand placed on d door. when i saw hw i place my hand, i suddenly got d urge to play my piano. played it not too long ago but still tempted to. so i played a short while when rice was cookin. haha...

ya. i cooked rice. mum nvr cook today. she asked me buy back but i lazy go buy esp when it's rainin. + i oso duno wat i wanna eat. thus, decided to cook rice & find something to heat up or cook. i thaw d otah fr freeze & cut bit out to heat up for dinner. seein d egg, i suddenly rmbr d nyonya cincaluk omelet i ate at Melaka.

so i tried to fry d cincaluk omelet. it's edible but bit salty. cant really see d cincaluk oso. weird. luckily i still ve d common sense to decide not to add soy sauce or salt to d egg. lol.

i oso cant seemed to find recipe for it. haiz... anw, fried bit more. ltr ask dad try. duno if wanna ask mum try. she don eat cincaluk one & it's shrimp so i oso duno if she can eat due to allergy but she don eat not cos of tt reason. mayb don tell her wat it is but scare she allergy.

actually, in d past i oso don eat tt one. i don fancy it nw oso la. but aunt recommend tt dish to me b4 i went Melaka & i got d chance to try it so i'd been thinkin of tryin to cook tt but nvr had d chance to or rather i too lazy to use d pan & then wash it after. haha...

i oso forget i had 2 tiny itchy blister on my palm. think ate too much seafood durin these period of time. i only rmbr aft i cook it & realized it's shrimp. hope wont cos more 'bubbles' to come out.

well, ltr shall see wat dad's comment ltr. but i think if wanna cook tt, mayb put lesser cincaluk or mayb add more ingredient like vege, etc esp if thr is any tt can lessen d salty-ness? hmm... shall venture more. i wish i got more time to try try...

sighed... i think i really in wrong course la. i can do all sort of things but jus not interested in studies & research. a serious mistake... but nvm... shall perserve for another 1 + yr. must tell myself. nw 2010 & 2011 i'll graduate. soon soon. haha... gambatte!!!

immunity low

so much for sayin i'm recharged...

ytd nite 8+, duno wat come over me... nose keep runnin till i buah tahan go take flu med. i was oso v ko by 11. s i runnin nose, nvr on aircon slp. in d end, too hot tt i woke up but i was like drunk, no energy move. move a bit, ko thr even if position pretty not right...

late in d nite, oso keep wanna cough tt i drag & pull myself to grab my cup to drink. luckily still got tt enegry or d cup gotta dropped & break...

this mornin, woke up ok but at ard 10+ like tt, nose started to run again. used up 1 pkt of tissue & it sort of stop ard 1. jus aft i took my med. my nose oso ki siao is it?

haiz... hope i'm really alright... nw ok. tml mornin shall see hw. tml still got dance trg. well, jus hope i'm ok. if not go doc? cos med oso runnin out le... :( my immunity for this yr is really low.... i noe i get sick easily but this yr was d worst impact so far... cos every wk oso got prob one leh...

drastic changes of high & low...

recently, thr seemed to ve 'drastic swing in my mood'... but don mis-understood... i not gg crazy yet... lol..

aft mid last week, got v down cos of unknown reason y mum seemed angry w me. & w d sch loads comin, i sort of couldn't take it & venture off to west coast park on fri to take a break.

& in same day, my mood swing fr down to calm aft sittin for hrs at west coast park lookin at d sea. & mood progress to high aft bookin for HK trip at NATAS fair though i duno wat i gotta face then.

den sat i got sian cos i think i noe y mum unhappy on fri & it's not my fault. & mon stayed in sch till late tt i worried parents angry & i was angry at myself for always being affected by them, by their over-protectiveness esp when i ve grown so old alrdy... ytd, was told harsh truth. a truth which i noe but i refused to admit but i gotta face it somehw... sighed...

last fri, while at west coast park, i did tot of jumpin into d sea, into d water & 'drown' my unhappiness away but i nvr do tt lah. i still ve my common sense. but today, i got d chance to. lol... went for a swim. short session & though nw arms ache but i'm feelin gd... of course tired but mayb got a little high w d natural pain inhibitor produced by d body. haha...

i feel recharged to chiong for d next 1/2 of my sem le... provided nothin 'bad' happens these few days & subsequent weeks lah...

guess d 'watery' retreat + d getaway trip do their jobs to allow me to push myself further. GAMBATTE!!!

GPA is jus a no & yet its power/influences is so great

today, was further enhanced tt my perception had been right...

academic grades (gpa) really did play a role for future job applications. esp when d degree is tie w d honors... & if get 3rd class & below, may s well don further ur studies...

haiz... i noe i'd made a serious mistake yrs ago. i shld jus b satisfied w my poly dip. though not excellent results, at least i can get to ve a 'decent' job. at least i was called to go for interviews... jus tt i'd no choice but to reject SGH then due to d SARS case & dad forbid me go. at least w tt kind of grades, company do ask me go for interview & i still can get to choose d place to work at.

anw, even though i noe my stand (chances extremely slim), i was told tt employer will 1st see academic grades & so they will jus dump my application away no matter hw gd i can work in d lab. Sob sob

i noe theory impt but if u r to work in d lab, lab skills & understandin of d experiment & hw to proceed is impt oso. if w jus theory, den not gd at lab skills oso no use. but i gotta face reality. d harsh reality.

i can try to enhance my resume w my hands-on skill but i wonder hw far can it take me... anw, was told to buck up & stop d 'snowball' fr rollin. so easier said than done... but wat to do? sighed... guess gotta start 'pullin' my hair again & try my best to chong further. if not,...

well, d most impt i guess is to be able to get a gd start to capture d employer esp w gd gpa. if they dump away my application, no matter hw much i can do practically oso no use cos they oso wont get to find out.

gpa, gpa, gpa, u r jus a no yet ur power/influence is so strong. left 2 sem of examinable modules & 1 sem of FYP to pull up my socks. if not, i really don noe y i press on... i hope my efforts will really pay off...

a day of hunger, a day of eatin...

aft gg w/o 'dinner' last nite, 2day was being fed by my colleagues...

got buffet teabreak & lunch outside office & they pull me out of my seat to go eat. initially i tot of eatin bread so not to get too heavy lunch & become v sleepy. in d end, i nvr even get to eat my bread.

d buffet was due to d symposium thingy... but thr is too much food so aft d invited guest had their shares, the staffs thr could also eat. cant say leftovers cos it's still lots left...

d mornin teabreak was delayed so we only eat at ard 11.30. i tot tt was lunch which apparently not. anw, they said got another session but i might not b ard tt time. but cos of d late teabreak, i was v fully & d aft meal effect kicked in soon after. was dozin off while i tried to do 'data entry'.

in d end, lunch was 'early' & so ard 1.30 can eat le. in jus 2 hrs hw to digest. & i don eat lots nw so i tot i'll skip 'lunch'. but i was 被骗 to go out. colleagues suggested for me go out take a drink but ended up they passed me a plate & fork & spoon. so i ended up takin 3 small pcs.

a day of hunger & den a day of eatin full. like tt oso not right... lol... was oso given 3 small dark choco. no wonder mum tt time asked if i go work or i go picnic cos d last time i work in d HR dept of another company, d cleaner auntie oso sort of keep feedin me...

anw, chatted w colleagues, they were shocked to hear i was workin thr for 4 yrs & alrdy a 3rd yr student nw. meanin to say i was thr for almost 7 yrs le. they asked if i would cont'd stay. told them i would jus apply anywhr & go anywhr for d experiences b4 i can do anything else. so if d place would b d same, den i got no choice. shall see hw ba... still got > a yr to go.

i'm stressed up again..............

today worked in mornin b4 havin discussion w friends. end up discussin till late.

at 1st i tot of finishin it all up. but s clock ticks, i got more & more uneasy. cos mum not cookin & refused me cook bit of rice myself so i promised tt i buy back eat... yet it was getting late...

plus, parents don want me go back myself fr sch even if 7+ pm when it's still bright but it'll get to 8pm soon. ltr they sure angry again... sighed...

angry i go back late, angry i eat late... so i got too 'stress' tt i keep askin when my friends wanna go...

why? WHY? i alrdy hw old. in crude, based on estimation to nearest 10, i alrdy almost 30 le leh... y do i ve to stress over issue tt parents unhappy i go back late, etc... i really hate it... when they wanna protect me till? i not 3 yr old kid. not even teenager... their protectiveness is really stressin me up oso...

i end up took a cab back & luckily i got back b4 parents hm. & sort of jus in time to get mum's call. had to lie i ate dinner le cos i no time to get mine. of course cant cook s they can b back any moment.

好不容易, i destress myself last fri. y do i ve to go thru all these torment again? i noe hw to take care of myself lah. i not d xiao mei mei tt can be easily 骗 lo... can they jus give me a breather?

sob sob sob sob sob... T.T

aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so fed up...

tt's y i super hate it if i get tied down & being ctrl too much... tt's y i believed tt thr is a limit in everythin... gg beyond is jus toxic/poison... T.T :(

is my luck getting better?

i think, i hope tt my luck is really gettin better since fri nite...

mum ok even though i 4get tell her i gg toa payoh on sat mornin a while to see d doc for my face prob... tot she'll b mad cos jus happen tt day cousins not comin & mayb she wanna go walk walk oso. *phew*

oso ytd, parents seemed ok too. but i dare not nap lah... dad was cleanin d air con & once a while asked me help but most of d time was mum helpin. usually she wld ask me help instead... weird... but gd for me... i'm glad...

sat, was editin resume & type out a 'CV' to send s email to seek for attachment. cos a no of ppl adviced me to do so in d past 1 mth plus. send out to 5 of d prof i worked under b4 & 2 of d prof which my friend adviced me last wk. i tot chances v slim cos i expect most lab b full. in d end, i got 6 reply so far & only 2 labs full.

4 of d labs r by d prof i worked under b4 & r willin to meet me & prob willin to accept me. i shld ve send 1 application by 1 application. i wanna meet them but i oso duno what will happen durin cos my grads sucks... hw...

anw, in case gotta go interview or wat, i don wear to 随便 cos i shld b able to go interview any time cos i'll b in sch workin or havin proj discussion... but got prob w my shoes. cos i injured d back of left heel. wear cover shoes pain sia... sighed... no choice. so i may limp once a while... wrong time to injure... sighed