d truth tt always hurt...

i duno m i dumb or wat... i noe d truth will hurt yet i wanna noe d truth... but i don wanna 'die' w/o knowin hw i'm being 'killed'...

jus nw, in class, my friend called but i was in class. called back durin my break & sort of fixed to meet him to pass him my medical receipt tml mornin. his mom said she might go too & would not tell my mum. made me puzzled... she was d friend whom my mum always chat w over d phone.

anw, when she said tt she wont tell my mum, i suspect something is not right. in d end, she called me personally to explain y she wont tell mum. it's cos she not cfm if she would b taggin along tml mornin so my mum wont feel so much like gg too.

but... she added on to say she oso got something to tell me. i noe it wont b anything gd but i press on though my class started. i don wanna drag. don wanna delay. i need truth.

d truth become, 我记仇, i don care for mum, i keep secret, i don wanna tok to mum, i ignore her when she tok to me, i don hold her hand...

记仇? i tot cos i keep counterin dad over d overeatin or about makin him see d plan more carefully, etc cos all these r v recent. guess wat... it's old issue bout hw my mum will beat me when i young. i use tt to scare my cousins when they naughty, or eat slow, etc... of course oso w hint to show hw fierce mum was in d past & y i so scare of her then. but recently i nvr say le wor... -.-''' i didn't noe mum take it to heart so much & nw become i 记仇... if i 记仇, den i wld ve totally ignore her le lah...

& when did i not care for her. she always used a full day when cousins nvr come to do many many things till her backache. i rub for her cos she said dad used lots of strength. i always reminded her to split d hsework. cny period & aft tt she sorethroat, i keep remindin her not to eat d cny goodies, & even check if she ok when she ate d roti prata but tt day she ignore me... so when did i not care for her?
unless she tok bout me not concern bout d issue bout an aunt & grandma. but i cant asked her on tt. cos mum will get v agitated & mad & i ended up being her 出气筒... so to prevent her fr gettin angry, i don ask loh.

bout keepin secret, i guess it's due to me gg see doc for my hip w/o wantin to tell them but i noe if i tell them, they will think it's serious & worry more which was d truth. she found out, she bug me, i tell her d truth, she don believed, she cant get d 'truth' she wanted, she told dad, dad bug me, oso d same 'truth' & today, went to clinic w/o lettin her noe & say i chased her back.
but in d 1st place, she jus go thr to make appt for dad for next mon. so it's not her plan to stay thr for long so i told her tt she can go back 1st to do her things. in d end, become i 'chased' her back. but i let her stay eventually wor... oso i noe their reaction so hw can i tell them 1st...

& me not tokin to her & ignoring her? well, she always repeat same thing to me or would tell me unnecessary thing like cousin need buy book, etc. so either i jus listen & nod my head or i would asked her to tell my aunt instead if they need buy anything or wld tell her tt she had already say b4 what she was tellin me at tt pt. she oso told tt auntie tt i was doin work when she came in to tok to me. so wat's d big deal? it wasn't d 1st time? it's since long long time ago even yrs back.

& not holdin her hand is another weird reason... nwadays, seldom go out. w all d proj, assignment, etc, hw to go out. i only hold her hand when shoppin w her while dad walk ard by his own. but since nvr go out w her, hw to hold her hands la. if go out will be jus for dinner & dad's oso ard & she wld hold dad's hand. mayb she jealous i hold dear's hand but not hers but she got dad's.

she oso said i 不耐烦 to tok to them but like i said, she got say me tt day when they bug me for d 'truth' of me seein doc. but i got said it's cos i told them d truth but they don believed. & she oso always bugged me if i ate yet, i wanna eat or not, she nvr buy for me, etc. i hw old le? will i go hungry? i may not ve much $$ left, but i not so poor. i can still afford a decent meal & i can cook oso. so hw can i go hungry.
it's oso cos she always so unpredictable so it's oso hard to tell whether i eatin or not... & she's d one who said i seemed to be gg dear's place on mon to wed & i go grandma's hse on thurs & fri & dear would come my place on weekend if he free & not workin & said she wan weekend cos longer hrs & said she 赚到 cos we spend longer hr w her. yet nw she unhappy... i really don understand her...

she said me & dad always ea 1 kind of face ea & she in difficult position. said i always tok 大小声 to dad. i think she show more black face loh... & i seldom really tok to dad oso wor... she even said she wanna run away fr hm. say don think she got no place to go. -.-''' if she wanna run away fr hm, den wat bout me? i think i may s well die le... i always try to escape to d lib, escape by findin job (oso get paid)...

anw, wat she said again, all d blames, etc was all fallen back to me. anw, d main reason prob cos she was scare of loneliness which is causin her to go haywire & tt makes me go nuts too... i cant possibly stay w her 24/7. i got class & in future, i wld work. i can't possibly bring her to sch & work wat.
ya. her friend's son did bring his mum out at times when he go work, etc. but he could drop her somewhr to shop while he go & meet his client & pick her aft tt. our job nature is diff loh. workin in lab, if worst, i might ot till late oso wor... or even weekend or PH oso gotta work, it's all possible one leh...

d ~15 min conversation was enough to pull me down to d valley. but i still ok. but i hope no more heart attack. or i don think i can take it. more proj, lab reports, presentation, tutorial due & exams coming. i don wanna got too down tt i lost interest in everything again. if eveything cont'd, i scare i get depression or anxiety b4 mum actually get hers due to her negative thinking... cos i noe i got a history to attempt to drink shampoo but i dare not really do so but diluted it till probably thousands or million of times. i noe i'm not v stable myself but wat can i do?

mayb i shld forgo sleep & tok to mum & work till next day. den i shall b a walkin zombie. but i doubt i can go beyond 2 weeks & i sure passed out... do i have to go to tt extend? i alrdy brought textbook & notes even to the clinic & read while i wait. i alrdy studied in bus while gg dance trg. wat else can i do?